Monday, June 12, 2006

i am at bef's house at moment. living there for a couple days. till tueday, then working that day too, so be home late tuesday night. at school right now. i dont know what to say.

i have been having bad thoughts...nightmares if you will. i am trying to be happy with this. but old worries, and new ones too, are settling in. i find myself having to force myself to try and trust him. it hurts so much. maman, bef, they have all been telling me to be careful. i know i will get hurt. i only hope i dont fall in love with him before i do... he is dangerouse and unpredictable in that sense. not only that has been haunting my mind. haunting, never far from my thoughts, is so much of whats going on. i ca`'t say it on here. theses are things i would rather keep secret, if that okay. at the moment anyway. i cant really write them down. it hurts to keep them in, but i will be strong, i can handle it on my own.

a couple days ago, someone asked me about my childhood. very general questions, nothing specific. they asked if i had had an easy or difficult childhood. i thought of that. i have never been raped, nor beaten, or abused. i have had a lucky childhood. its not over yet. i have been having so much trouble, and it all my own fault. its all been inside me. my mom was the one who called me a whore. but its my fault that i took it to heart. i never had any friends, but it was my own fault for trusting that they would like me for who i really was. i am not alowed to go out, but thats my own fault for breaking my parents trust. it was all my own fault. if i had been abused or raped, then i could honestly say that it was not my fault, all of this stuff that made me cut, everything that was insdie, all the pain, but nothing bad like that has ever happened to me. but i knew this. ive always known this. it doesn't matter.

i am going to koz tonight, after school. i cant wait. mika is coming. that will be good. yea. i think i am going to go now, for now anyways. i cant think stright right now. byes. maybe ill write later. maybe not. i guess well see
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