Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Suicidal...
*sigh* mum yelled at me again this morning.

she forced me out of bed and made me go to school...but, u kno, goin into the school grounds doesnt mean im goin to CLASS does it? hehehe i wagged from the second i stepped into the grounds XD but hey, i was too damn upset to go to class. and u kno wut? i got to thinkin about why the heck i cry every single time i get yelled at.
its not weakness or sensitivity. its pain and anger all building up inside me. lets just take a flashback shall we...
when i posted 'I've become so Numb' i had gone completely numb on the outside after she yelled at me and i'd wanted to hit her. and before that, as we go back in a timeline of me being hit and screamed at and offended my anger just dimms out nearer to when it all started off.
iv been getting angrier every time im abused in any way. i realised that this morning when i pushed her off my arm for the first time in my life. i felt so much anger inside. and it came so close to bursting out in screams of 'I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!' and a good hit or two across the face.
at school i was just wandering around and came so close to just walking up to one of the fences and punching the hell out of it. i wanted to commit suicide. iv wanted to do that since last night actually...and before that. just one good stab to the throat. and its not only to end my suffering, its to end the suffering of others as much as possible too.
iv watched one boy in particular do so much damage to so many people, including myself. he calls the girls gossips when he's like ten times worse, and feels them up. if he doesnt cut it out i can bet you ten bucks he'll become a rapist. if i ever commit suicide, i not just going to be killing myself, i wont rest untill i drag him to hell with me. plus im protecting everybody else from more damage from that anger i was talking about...its retarded.

i know...my posts are getting way too deep into my thoughts and mind to be normal and wotevur...but im just weird anyways XD my next post wont be a deep, promise!

and OOOOOOOOOO isnt my new bg the BEST or wut???

catch yaz all!
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   Pedophiles...EVERYWHERE!!!
EVERYBODY IS OUT TO GET SMEH!!! some dude on youtube...he has like a KZILLION accounts and hes mostly targetting me! prolly cos i aint afraid of kinkin up our convos if u kno wut i mean ; ) but anyways...iv blocked him on youtube but im not sure what that will do exactly because iv never done it or had anybody do it to me...
PLUS ther wus a couple of dudes i got into a fight with on msn nd they live in the same fucking city as me! o.O
o well...SCREW THEM!!! im not afraid of them. i mean, sure their like WAY older than me AND their guys AND they seems like the type to use pocket knives...but who cares? im never alone! theres always construction workers outside to hear me scream rnt ther?

will finish off my post tomoz cos my fucking mother is yelling at me AGAIN! WHY DOESNT SHE FUCKING PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

ciao evry1...
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Saturday, October 28, 2006

Drunken Idiocy
omg...i got drunk for the first time in my life yesterday...i was talking to my friend KT from england and they were gettin drunk...i started to cut my wrists again but decided that i'd try out gettin drunk instead and see if that helped me out of my misery better...IT SO DIDNT!!! i drunk three and a half glasses of wine! couldn't bring myself to finnish the last because i felt so damn sick from it...i was talking to people on msn lol. you should see some of the things i said...i checked it out later and it turned out that most of the time with one person i went on about my own crap and wen they said somehting i'd just go 'wut?' and continue on talkin gibberish LOL. most of the things i remember saying at the time i thought actually made sense cos i was trying my best to concentrate but when i look at some of them now it just makes me think '...wtf? wot dus that say???' i cant understand most of the things i wrote! i was throwin up at least a dozen times wandrin round the house bumpin into stuff...i can only vaguely remember talking to people on msn when they ask me if im feelin ok now...i just felt so damn sick during all of that...and then KT went offline when she told me that she and her three or woteva other friends were cutting themselves tryin to commit suicide...i remember that moment...i didnt even CARE! i was sayin 'ok hav fun!' prolly cos i was feelin the same way cuttin myself too...KT's alive though...i talked to her afterwards when i'd woken up from my 2 hour sleep in front of the heater trying to get over it...i was still cross-eyed mind you, though i wasnt laughing at everything anymore...i got worried that i might have iron poisoning from cutting myself because when i licked my cuts it tasted weird and when i looked at my cuts i saw grey stuff like iron in them...i might have HIV or something else though...but i cant be stuffed going to the doctor...something just makes me want to die. i know now that i dont have iron poisoning because i searched it up on google. if i had iron poisoning, i would be dead by yesterday afternoon. i would have gotten too much iron in my blood system and i would have some serious damage done to my brain (not that i dont already have some serious damage done to my brain...). if i do have iron poisoning though because of the little dosage i took licking it up off my cuts then i wont die peacefully. i'll die sufferring, vomitting and all this other shit before i seem fine then...BAM, i'd have a stroke or something which i cant remember and i'd die. not such a happy post is this? meh...

on a slightly happier note...LOOK AT MY BACKGROUND! look at it! aint it prettyfull??? ...i luvz it *huge grin*^^

laterz yall
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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

New avi! and stuff.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA aint my new profile avitar just ingenius??? that wus hand written by moi. u kno, smth makes me wonder y i didnt just use the text thingy...

ANYWAY, im at home agen...nuthin spesh...watchin Johnny English over and over just to not feel alone...talkin to evry single 1 of ma frends at once wundrin y i dont just cut my losses wit da convos nd sign out...NEWYZ, i just got wind that there might be a 4th season of Beyblade featuring the Bladebreakers's kids! WOOT! ok, i am a little pissed that it aint the same characters...to be honest when i heard that i just shlumped back in my computer chair and sulked...no more hot teenage Beybladers to watch on the telly and drool over...but...at least Hiro should be about the same...PLEASE don't let Hiro be grey and old and MARRIED of all things!!! i'd cry if he got married...*cries* o well...there's still dvd's...and the clips i can embed off youtube for now. i doubt the HTML codes to embed them will cancel, because HTML codes are just describing what to embed to your interface or wuteva tis called XD

Ep 13 clip 1


latuh pplz
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Friday, October 20, 2006

THIS STINKS!!!
Yesterday Youtube.com got letters from Japanese TV, music, and movie companies citing problems with Youtube because of copyright infringement. Since yesterday, Youtube has taken down 30,000 videos dealing with anime, j-music, and japanese movies. This is very important cause if this continues, anime, j-music videos, concerts, and movies could be banned from Youtube.

More news here:
http://www.extremetech.com/article2/0,1697,2034529,00.asp

thats the bundle of crap i got in on my YouTube account's bulletin board. this is SHIT! we amv makers worked SO hard on all of our amv's and found the perfect place to host them all (all amv's of which we were all incredibly proud of) and now their taking down vids!
ok, i admit that it was wrong to infringe copyright or whatever but STILL!

----------------SO----------------

-------------NOT COOL--------------

-------------!!!!!!!!--------------

i mean, seriously, some people had like HUNDREDS of amv's up! their whole youtube account was devoted to amv's. this SUCKS! okz, so the japanese people have a right to get youtube to take them down...youtube peoples should have KNOWN that every anime is copyright! i mean, everybody KNOWS that cartoons are copyright. seriously. they KNEW that people were uploading amv's all over the place. they could have asked those pplz permission once they knew what was going on for crying out loud.
...i feel so god damn empty now...all of my precious amv's..taken down...out of the limelight...*cries* i had 20! 20 amv's! ok, like 4 or 5 of them were crap but still! ther guna be taken down! ma precious vids!!! *sobs pathetically* i need a hug!

...eh...maybe i'll just mess round with my bg nd pic nd shit...newyz, heres one of my vids for u pplz to watch. YEA. THATS RITE. IM EMBEDDIN EM! HA! *givs youtube the finger* up yours!
im uoploadin the best few anyway. XD catch yaz all! im such a friken rebel^^
im not sure which ones iv already embedded into other posts so yeh...

Kai Hiwatari - Hero


Which Beyblade Boy is Gay???


Hilary V Mingming


Hey Beyblade Bitty


Beyblade Girls - Sunshine


Supergirl - Mingming


Fruits Basket - Because you live


ok, so some of the scenes of the fruba one need some replacing or woteva, but their my best. if u watched em, i hopes ya enjoyed em^^

laterz
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Thursday, October 19, 2006

Depression
hmm...more depression. xept its gettin worse. i feel like screamin but i dont know wot to yell out. im just feelin so damn heavy now, nd just sit here at the comp doin nuthin. i havnt eaten anything since lunch and its like night time now...i skipped dinner...iv completely lost my appetite. at least i'll be losin some weight...but still. it'll gain like bloody hell when i start eating healthily again...IF i start eating healthily again.
my starvation habit has only just started today but still...eating just doesnt 'cut it' with my appetite anymore. i dont even know what im CRAVING which is even handier. i want to let it all out and i dont know who to talk to. every single one of my friends has used the same line on me at least once: 'well, if you ever need to talk, im here'. and i really am thankful for that, truly. but i dont want to be a burden and lay all of my shit out on them making it seem like they need to give advice even when they have none. lets be honest here, everybody has the same problems as i do, and everybody needs the same advice as i do. wer all looking for the same advice and help but we dont know who to get it from. what are we supposed to do about all of this? wer r we supposed to go for the answers?
we cant keep going on in life like this, we seem to be given two choices in this generation. iether stay depressed and keep looking for answers, or we can act like the pain doesnt exist and keep ourselves busy surpressing it and acting completely stable waiting for it all to just...BURST out of us someday takin it out on somebody hu dusnt deserve it. life is full of choices, but these seem to be the main two. and we need to think about them deeply before choosing the trail towards wherever that choice will lead us.
and who knows? everybody is different. maybe the ending results of life will be good, or bad. but the point is, no matter which road you choose, you wer meant to follow. no matter which way wer supposed to go, wer meant to end the way we do.
this mite not make any sense to some pplz, as for me, as im re-readin it thru, im thinkin 'wtf?' wen i read the very end of wot i just wrote again, cos not even i understand wot i mean by the very last sentence. but im guna leave it up ther. cos just meybe i'll b able to look bak on it and understand myself.

hmm...wots actually happened to me lately...lets see. my bf, kai0101, was talkin to me yesterday afternoon on his mobile with that mig33 thing, walkin home from his teacher's house. and he all of a sudden just...went offline. and i didnt know wot happened. so, to add to total stress over depression, i was worked up worring what the hell happened to him (which i dont want to tell him because i dont want to lean on him more than i have...which is only a little but still...he aint used to bein leant on yet...). ANYTHING could have happened and i wouldnt know about it. i dont have any of his friends' email addies, nor do i even live in the same friken country as him, so if he'd been hit by a car or beaten up, or seriously injured in any way, i wouldnt know anything about it until i'd given up waiting for him to come online. wen he DID eventually come online this afternoon and told me that he'd been grounded form everything (he stole his phone for a min just to tell me) i was pissed...i think he only thought it was because he ditched me in the middle of convo...well...no it wasnt. it was because of all the above. i didnt even get the chance to TELL him that...bloody oath.

------Quotes------

-Just because you dismiss something, just because you choose to ignore it, or if you neglect it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

-When you cant run, you crawl, when you cant crawl, you get somebody to carry you.

-I hate the way my life has turned out so far but I won't complain to anybody because I know it'll get better.

-God created the man before the woman because he needed a rough draft.
(duh)

well...cyaz all
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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I've Become So Numb
i have literally gone numb. i cant feel anything anymore. physically. i seriously feel cold nowadays...like...if i walk, i can barely feel my own movements. its like i dont exist anymore. i just dont feel the blood in my body anymore, i just feel like sitting here at the computer like a potatoe doing and feeling nothing and if somebody poked me with a cheese cube stick i wouldn't feel anything. this song called 'Numb' by Linkin Park describes it so well...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

MYO FAMILY UPDATE

MyO Rents:
*sniff* MyO orphan...

Younger sisters:
U3d@
DatAnimeChic
SetosGrl19
Anime Girl 1
Posion Fangs
Kaiz Dark Angel05

Older sisters:
hieifan06
Juz Cuz
Saiyla

Younger brothers:

Older brothers:

Cousins:

Second self:
IMDX

MyO sweetheart:
Kai0101 (^^)

BTW
kai0101 and i made an amv together with the song Numb a few days ago, and i decided to post it up and show it off XD
all the sharp work in the beginning is his work and all the soft fades work later on is my stuff. enjoy^^


i know. iv been busy lately. well, catch yaz all
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   Myo Family - Update
Ooh I'v already had more people wana join mah lil colony^^
xept im still a myo orphan...*cries*

MyO Rents:
None...*blows nose*

Younger sisters:
U3d@ (luv ya lots^^)
DatAnimeChic (you still need to show me your new Hiro sketch^^)
SetosGrl19 (heard you and DatAnimeChic r close, newyz welcome to my little family^^)
Anime Girl 1
Posion Fangs

Older sisters:

Younger brothers:

Older brothers:

MyO sweetheart:
Kai0101 (i got nothing to say but *squeal!*)
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Monday, October 16, 2006

   MyOtaku Family!!!
okez everyone, i'm startin a myo family of ma own and if u wana b in mah family, even if i dont know u yet PM me!
i have the whole day off today, i think it might be because my year level co-ordinator called my mum when she found me all upset walking around the school instead of bein in class and told her i was depressed and refused to go to class >: }
newyz, im on a high 2day as u can prolly tell by my upbeat post and brand spankin new wallpaper^^ which, i'll probably be all upset again tomorrow seeing as iv been extra moody so much lately...newyz,here's my family so far (i will update the list every time i get a new family member):

Younger sisters:
U3d@

Older sisters:

Younger bros:

Older Bros:

*clears throat* as you can see the list needs a bit of work. if u think a myotaku family is overrated u get cram it and dont bother commenting about it. XD

so, i know that my wallpaper doesnt suit my personality at ALL (by all means, im definately a fire gal), but i just couldn't hold back from using it, shiya (aka: wolborg) is just so beautiful dont ya think? i cant help but love it^^

well cyaz all
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   MOODINESS
ok, stuff this. WHY am i getting moodier every day? i frikin CRIED all morning last thursday and had to be taken home at lunchtime after seeing the school psychologist who recommended DRUGS after the first fucking five minutes! LITERALLY! FIVE MINUTES! and i swear i had lost so much body fluids crying non-stop all morning i had one HELL of a smasher headache! i was rolling my eyes in that session like a stuck up little bitch lol and she was noticing *snickers like a pathetic 4-yr-old*
and dont get me STARTED on this morning!

...ok then XP
mum yelled at me again this morning. and to make things worse i was getting all stressed not knowing what the hell to do trying to find my books which i left in my classroom on thursday and the fucking IRRESPONSIBLE teacher didnt know where they were >< i started crying because everything was just building up like hell inside and i couldnt stand it anymore, so i decided to wag class, or even the whole day. i ended up spending the whole day wandering around the school with my two friends who had been asked by the yr 9 co-ordinator to hang around with me making sure i dont do something stupid like hurt or kill myself, which i was SO not going to do! *fiddles with pocket knife in pocket*

well...cyaz all
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