Saturday, September 30, 2006

   temporary embedment
OK, im getting pissed with the music embedding thingy proccess so ya can listen to the song i love via this video i made ages ago. i hate the fact that there r so many repeats in this amv, but the song is awesome and makes it all worth it.


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Friday, September 29, 2006

Everything I Am
Tonight, I had alot of time to think about things. My mum and I went over to my uncle's house. My uncle drove my cousin Sarah home, and I complained about wanting to go home because, naturally, with only a 6-year-old boy there, and me being a 15-year-old, I'd be bored shitless. She thought I meant I wanted to go home as in, us both. No way. Why the hell would I want to go home with her around? I wanted her to drop me off. I didn't make that clear enough...obviously you can tell from reading that that I'm a girl who knows what she wants, and gets it no matter what it takes. I have a very 'Kai Hiwatari' personality that way. So, after standing in front of her for ages and ages failed, I thought I'd go outside in the freezing cold to prove how much I wanted to get away from everybody there. Instead, it turned out to be more like 'Think time' rather than 'Tantrum time'. I thought about her personality, and my own, and I thought about alot of other things. I sat on the car bonnet, which was parked out in the silent streets. It was grey, and still. The cold breeze brushing past every now and then, I had a thousand thoughts running through my head all at once, but couldn't figure out which one to listen to. One thought was talking about the fact that mum and I are too much alike, another thought was talking about the fact that she still hits me when I'm a 15 year old, and another was talking about how close I was to running away if it weren't for the fact that I'm afraid of having to face the harsh reality of having been raped. I know that I'm more mature than her in more than a thousand ways, but she doesn't see things that way. To her, if your older, your smarter. But I see things differently. The more you'v been through, the more you understand. And I understand more about life than you could ever know, or even see in me. I never act like it, but I do. She likes me because she sees herself in me. I hate her because I see myself as a failure, an immature, short-tempered b*tch who doesn't see that life isn't a movie. I hate being around her because I'm afraid her bad traits will rub off onto me. I'm afraid of being pulled down because of her. She's a bad example to me, and I know it. If I ever get into a bad mood around her, she plays around with my mind, making me seem like the bad one. 'Your selfish, you always get what you want and you never lift a finger, NEVER'. I know that I always get what I want. She's playing that against me because I, unlike her, know how to get what I want. Being selfish? She's only rambling on about herself. I may have snide comments, I'm definately not up for a politeness award because of my failure to say please and thank you, but that doesn't mean that I can't be a true friend and always stay that way. And what about never lifting a finger? That just falls into the 'always getting what you want' catergory. Every time she beats me, hits me and punches me around, it adds another wound to my already beaten spirit. She won't break me, though, she couldn't. I'm too wild and free. I've given up my wholeness for my freedom inside, and I'm not going to let her take that away from me in the end. Not after I've been taking all this pain to remain free. I know I'm strong. I know I'm stronger than her. And I won't let anybody break me. Not now, not ever. Not while I still have strength left in me to keep on going.

Everything I am, is freedom, and every intention of keeping it that way.
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   pissy with music code thingies now
ya know what really sucks majorly? when you want to find ONE music code thingy for your site from a rare band BUT YA CANT FRIKEN FIND IT! ...in that sentence i WOULD have said fuck if i didn't care about looking that badass. i mean, seriously. im only 15 for fuck sake XD anyways, where was i? o yeh, i has been workin so fucking hard to find Celldweller's Stay with me (unlikely) and all iv found are codes for whole videos and that lyrics thingy up there *points up*, which, i gotta admit is pretty cool but STILL! i has been workin my ASS OFF to find this song and i cant find it! on not one site! all they have is Switchback! stupid people...*scowls at stupidity*

yes i do complain alot.
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Thursday, September 28, 2006

   I'm a homocidal maniac today
HOW FUCKING LONG DOES IT FRIKEN TAKE TO LOAD E-CARDS UP?!!!! SOMEBODY TELL ME! iv been waiting for almost a week now...FUCK. and clearly im pissy with theotaku. ok, i dont have shitty dial up, so their being sent in as fast as they possibly can. AND u know whats even handier? im living in the fucking down under! so they'll probably end up only coming out what, like next MONTH?! GRR im so pissed off waiting for these things to HAPPEN. clearly im not a very patient person here. dont get me wrong, im trying my best, but i want them to be loaded up before i upload anymore! and iv got more! and its pissing me off! ok...i'll go...let off some steam...sharpen some knives now...
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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

   pissy wit teh e-card loading
eeeeey pplz! iv submitted more e-cards, but their taking forever to load...-.-; how long does it take to load some e-cards? ok, i know one of them just MIGHT have been rejected cos of bad language, but still. come on! and ya gotsta check out this amv pplz...ok, made it a few days ago but its friken hilarious! i made it to the tunes of 'Backstreet Boys are Gay', i call it 'Which Beyblade Boy is Gay?'. it has to be one of my best rated amv's yet, its gone a full 5 star so far^^ the link is below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6eT5E8jciA
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A Devotion
I made and devoted this amv to a friend who had it so hard in life she decided to end it. It turned out that, thankfully, she hadn't succeeded in ending it all with an overdose of drugs, and I'm just glad she's alive and well now. I called it 'Tortured', the song is Disturbed's 'Prayer'


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