Friday, September 29, 2006

Everything I Am
Tonight, I had alot of time to think about things. My mum and I went over to my uncle's house. My uncle drove my cousin Sarah home, and I complained about wanting to go home because, naturally, with only a 6-year-old boy there, and me being a 15-year-old, I'd be bored shitless. She thought I meant I wanted to go home as in, us both. No way. Why the hell would I want to go home with her around? I wanted her to drop me off. I didn't make that clear enough...obviously you can tell from reading that that I'm a girl who knows what she wants, and gets it no matter what it takes. I have a very 'Kai Hiwatari' personality that way. So, after standing in front of her for ages and ages failed, I thought I'd go outside in the freezing cold to prove how much I wanted to get away from everybody there. Instead, it turned out to be more like 'Think time' rather than 'Tantrum time'. I thought about her personality, and my own, and I thought about alot of other things. I sat on the car bonnet, which was parked out in the silent streets. It was grey, and still. The cold breeze brushing past every now and then, I had a thousand thoughts running through my head all at once, but couldn't figure out which one to listen to. One thought was talking about the fact that mum and I are too much alike, another thought was talking about the fact that she still hits me when I'm a 15 year old, and another was talking about how close I was to running away if it weren't for the fact that I'm afraid of having to face the harsh reality of having been raped. I know that I'm more mature than her in more than a thousand ways, but she doesn't see things that way. To her, if your older, your smarter. But I see things differently. The more you'v been through, the more you understand. And I understand more about life than you could ever know, or even see in me. I never act like it, but I do. She likes me because she sees herself in me. I hate her because I see myself as a failure, an immature, short-tempered b*tch who doesn't see that life isn't a movie. I hate being around her because I'm afraid her bad traits will rub off onto me. I'm afraid of being pulled down because of her. She's a bad example to me, and I know it. If I ever get into a bad mood around her, she plays around with my mind, making me seem like the bad one. 'Your selfish, you always get what you want and you never lift a finger, NEVER'. I know that I always get what I want. She's playing that against me because I, unlike her, know how to get what I want. Being selfish? She's only rambling on about herself. I may have snide comments, I'm definately not up for a politeness award because of my failure to say please and thank you, but that doesn't mean that I can't be a true friend and always stay that way. And what about never lifting a finger? That just falls into the 'always getting what you want' catergory. Every time she beats me, hits me and punches me around, it adds another wound to my already beaten spirit. She won't break me, though, she couldn't. I'm too wild and free. I've given up my wholeness for my freedom inside, and I'm not going to let her take that away from me in the end. Not after I've been taking all this pain to remain free. I know I'm strong. I know I'm stronger than her. And I won't let anybody break me. Not now, not ever. Not while I still have strength left in me to keep on going.

Everything I am, is freedom, and every intention of keeping it that way.
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