Thursday, October 19, 2006

Depression
hmm...more depression. xept its gettin worse. i feel like screamin but i dont know wot to yell out. im just feelin so damn heavy now, nd just sit here at the comp doin nuthin. i havnt eaten anything since lunch and its like night time now...i skipped dinner...iv completely lost my appetite. at least i'll be losin some weight...but still. it'll gain like bloody hell when i start eating healthily again...IF i start eating healthily again.
my starvation habit has only just started today but still...eating just doesnt 'cut it' with my appetite anymore. i dont even know what im CRAVING which is even handier. i want to let it all out and i dont know who to talk to. every single one of my friends has used the same line on me at least once: 'well, if you ever need to talk, im here'. and i really am thankful for that, truly. but i dont want to be a burden and lay all of my shit out on them making it seem like they need to give advice even when they have none. lets be honest here, everybody has the same problems as i do, and everybody needs the same advice as i do. wer all looking for the same advice and help but we dont know who to get it from. what are we supposed to do about all of this? wer r we supposed to go for the answers?
we cant keep going on in life like this, we seem to be given two choices in this generation. iether stay depressed and keep looking for answers, or we can act like the pain doesnt exist and keep ourselves busy surpressing it and acting completely stable waiting for it all to just...BURST out of us someday takin it out on somebody hu dusnt deserve it. life is full of choices, but these seem to be the main two. and we need to think about them deeply before choosing the trail towards wherever that choice will lead us.
and who knows? everybody is different. maybe the ending results of life will be good, or bad. but the point is, no matter which road you choose, you wer meant to follow. no matter which way wer supposed to go, wer meant to end the way we do.
this mite not make any sense to some pplz, as for me, as im re-readin it thru, im thinkin 'wtf?' wen i read the very end of wot i just wrote again, cos not even i understand wot i mean by the very last sentence. but im guna leave it up ther. cos just meybe i'll b able to look bak on it and understand myself.

hmm...wots actually happened to me lately...lets see. my bf, kai0101, was talkin to me yesterday afternoon on his mobile with that mig33 thing, walkin home from his teacher's house. and he all of a sudden just...went offline. and i didnt know wot happened. so, to add to total stress over depression, i was worked up worring what the hell happened to him (which i dont want to tell him because i dont want to lean on him more than i have...which is only a little but still...he aint used to bein leant on yet...). ANYTHING could have happened and i wouldnt know about it. i dont have any of his friends' email addies, nor do i even live in the same friken country as him, so if he'd been hit by a car or beaten up, or seriously injured in any way, i wouldnt know anything about it until i'd given up waiting for him to come online. wen he DID eventually come online this afternoon and told me that he'd been grounded form everything (he stole his phone for a min just to tell me) i was pissed...i think he only thought it was because he ditched me in the middle of convo...well...no it wasnt. it was because of all the above. i didnt even get the chance to TELL him that...bloody oath.

------Quotes------

-Just because you dismiss something, just because you choose to ignore it, or if you neglect it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

-When you cant run, you crawl, when you cant crawl, you get somebody to carry you.

-I hate the way my life has turned out so far but I won't complain to anybody because I know it'll get better.

-God created the man before the woman because he needed a rough draft.
(duh)

well...cyaz all
Comments (2)