Monday, March 21, 2005

let's see, what's going on? i'm on spring break now. i guess that's good...another week or so until i can find out if i passed my classes though. i played poker saturday and sunday. sat i won the tournament and left with $50. then sun i played for 8 and a half hours and lost $20. ah well, i'm still up for this weekend, so i don't really care. i'm so tired right now. maybe i should go to bed. bed's so lonely though. i miss visiting rebecca and holding her close all night while we slept. now it's so cold and lonesome. i can't sleep much lately...i got maybe 8 hours of sleep this weekend, but i still can't seem to fall asleep. i need drugs.

rebecca, if you ever read this (which i doubt, but hey, doesn't hurt to say it, right?) i still love you. you mean everything to me. there might be a reason for me to exist without you, but i haven't found it yet. you are my everything. i know you don't love me and no matter how much i wish things were different, we will prolly never be together again, but that doesn't stop me from giving you everything i am. i love you with all my heart. i always have, and always will.

good night everyone
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Monday, March 14, 2005

my computer.....
.....is retarded. it's been kinda laggy lately and has too many pop-ups. spyware everywhere...grr. ah well. some guy recommended some program thing for me to download...microsoft xp service pack 2. hopefully that'll help things. i also discovered that the automatic updates for my computer somehow got turned off, so i hadda lotta things to go back and install manually. hopefully they do something and make my computer behave itself. it's very frustrating trying to play and get killed by some orc i shoulda killed easily except some pop-up thing showed up and the time wasted getting rid of it and switching back to the game instead of using another skill or healing myself causes it to kill me before i can kill it. i don't have any lyrics for you guys to read today. um, you can go find sanitarium by metallica if you wanna hear what i'm listening to right now. other than that *shrugs* see ya
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Sunday, March 13, 2005

um, i don't have much to say so this will be kinda short. i've been playing poker twice a week. in the last two weeks or so i've made $75. i still love rebecca with everything i am. you know what sucks? when dean says the same things i've been saying (rather die alone than be with someone other than her, or love her more than anything, etc) it's sweet and loving and whatever, but when i say those things i'm just being stupid or trying to manipulate her. god damn i hate his friends. buncha pricks. whatever...i give up on trying to please anybody. if someone doesn't like me, big fucking deal. the other day i pulled into mcdonald's parking lot and this song came on the radio. i just sat there listening to it staring at the picture of rebecca i keep in my wallet.

"If I Ain't Got You"

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yea
Some people live just to play the game

Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within and I been
There before that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

And some people want it all
But i dont want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If i ain't got you yea

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And thats the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
No one to share
No one who truely cares for me

And some people want it all
But i dont want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If i ain't got you you you

And some people want it all
But i dont want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If i ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If i aint got you yea

And some people want it all
But i dont want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If i ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If i aint got you yea

If i aint got you with me baby oh ooh said
nothin' in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If i ain't got you with me baby

-Alicia Keys
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Monday, March 7, 2005

nothing really to talk about, but i figured i'd update for the hell of it. i played poker on saturday. got home around 3am, and won about $48 profit. i'm so tired right now. anyway, i just found out i have a test in my next class, so i'd better go make up my notesheet for that and get ready to miserably fail another one.
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Wednesday, March 2, 2005

well, i hadda long post all written up and hit the submit button, but then the internet at school crashed and i don't feel like rewriting it or even summarizing, so i'll talk about something else. i think i might be changing my major again. i'm getting so tired of electrical engineering. i want something more hands on and less theory. maybe electrician. who knows? ah well, i've got plenty of time to figure out what i wanna do.

well, time for bed. i'm so tired...i'm always tired now. tired, headaches, and apathy. gotta love it eh? ah well. how're you guys doing?
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Monday, February 28, 2005

i just wish she could be happy....

"Nobody's Home"

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
I's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find a reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

-Avril Lavigne
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"Over and Over"

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it’s on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

I can’t wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it’s a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again
Ohh
But I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
I Can’t go on not loving you

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again yeah
And I can’t take it yeah I can’t shake it
Nooo

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that you would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
and this choice I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again
Playing my head
Over and over again
Ohh
I think she’s leaving
Ooh man she’s leaving
I don’t know what else to do
I Can’t go on not loving you

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo

Now that I’ve realizes that I’m going down
From all this pain you’ve put me through
Every time I close my eyes I like it
I can’t go on not loving you

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause it's on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo

Cause its all in my head
I think about it over and over again
And I can’t keep picturing you with him
And it hurts so bad, yeah
Cause its on in my head
I think about it over and over again
I replay it over and over again
And I can’t take it I can’t shake it
Nooo

Over and Over again
Over and Over again
Cause it’s all in my head

-Nelly & Tim McGraw
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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

hi guys, i'm at school right now. the cable guy got my internet working. he hadda replace the splitter and something on the tower, but i dunno what. oh well, it works again and that's all that really matters, eh. i really haven't felt like going online anyway though. i've been playing a lot. i'm not sure why. i love the people i've met in that game so far. i guess one of the nicest things about them is they dunno any of my problems, so i never feel like they're just being nice out of pity. i'm sure none of you pity me and i'm thankful for that. i got another 4 levels in my tradeskill class and 1 more in my adventurer class over the weekend too. now i'm a 25 monk / 28 alchemist. i also helped a guildy get through her first three class specific armor quests last night. that was pretty fun. she's been playing a cleric for a while, and just created a monk, so i've been helping her figure out what to do as a monk (way different than a healer) and i'm gonna upgrade all her skills for her (that's what alchemists do...make fighter class skill upgrades). anyway, i'ma shut up about this since i've prolly confused all of you with my rambling.

lessee, wanna hear what happened last time i was online? tough, you're gonna hear about it anyway. i was talking with rebecca about my game and how it's my escape from the real world. i told her i have a really hard time focusing on reality or caring about anything here any more. guess what she told me..."i hate to say this, but i don't think you were ever in the real world." and ya know what? i think she's right. i've been living some delusional fantasy for a long time now. i need meds...strong strong meds. oh well, i gotta go get some lunch before class. here's your song (i heard it in the car today and finally figured out who sings it. i love this song now)

"Lonely No More"

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else

Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way?
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby

Well I don't want to be lonely no more
I don't want to have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
It's just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You're the one who could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't wanna be lonely anymore

Now it's hard for me
When my heart's still on the mend
Open up to me
Like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me
And it's harmony
Girl what you do to me is everything
Let me say anything just to get you back again
Why can't we just try?

I don't want to be lonely no more
I don't want to have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
It's just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You're the one who could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't wanna be lonely anymore

What if I was good to you?

What if you were good to me?
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me?
What if it was paradise?
What if we were symphonies?
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you?

I don't want to be lonely no more
I don't want to have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
It's just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You're the one who could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't wanna be lonely any more

I don't wanna be lonely any more
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna be lonely any more

-Rob Thomas

it's been five months now
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Thursday, February 17, 2005

bleh
well, my internet at home is all messed up. it hasn't let me stay online for more than 30 minutes at a time lately, and when i get kicked off, a lotta times it won't lemme back on for several hours. well, the cable guy should be coming over this morning to have a look at it and hopefully get it fixed...just hope we don't get in trouble. as far as the cable people know, we only have one computer...we actually have four running through the router. i don't see anything wrong with that though. it's not like we're stealing cable. if routing cable internet was illegal, best buy wouldn't be allowed to sell cable routers, now would they? *looks at clock* the cable guy might even be at my house right now...i hope he is. i want the internet to be working when i get home from school...it's a lab night though, so i'll be home late...ah well, talk to ya guys later.

oh i do have one more thing to tell ya guys. i've stayed up late the past couple of nights watching tv. i've now seen two episodes of inuyasha...it's kinda hard to follow, but maybe with a few more episodes i'll catch up and figure out who's who and what's going on. i like that lord sesshoumoru (or however ya spell it) guy. and after that last night i saw big o for the first time. that android chick is pretty cool (i think he called her dorothy, but i can't remember for sure). i love the monotone way she talks. it's great.
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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

i posted this yesterday, but the website wouldn't respond after i put it, so i'll just redo it today. i think this song describes my views on life pretty well.

"Life's A Dance"

When I was fourteen I was falling fast
For a blue eyed girl in my homeroom class
Trying to find the courage to ask her out
Was like trying to get oil from a waterspout
What she would have said I can't say
I never did ask and she moved away
But I learned something from my blue eyed girl
Sink or swim you gotta give it a whirl

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you wanna recieve
There's a time to listen, a time to talk
And you might have to crawl even after you walk
Had sure things blow up in my face
Seen the longshot, win the race
Been knocked down by the slamming door
Picked myself up and came back for more

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

Life's a dance
Life's a dance
Life's a dance
Take a chance on love
Life's a dance
You learn as you go

-John Michael Montgomery
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