Thursday, February 10, 2005

about yesterday
well, i'm sorry to have confused you guys. now you have some insight to the way my mind works (that was mild compared to some of the garbage i come up with). believe me, you do not wanna poke around too much in my head. it's a scary place in there...even i don't like what i see in there half the time.

time for some comment response junk:

kuraiangel - yup yup, i'm back...hurray...i think. your name looks very familiar, but i'm sorry i don't remember exactly who you are. we never really talked much...i think...unless i know you on aim, but don't remember your name here.

purgatory - stay up late in the summer? why not stay up late now? as for ddr...no, i don't really like it. i said that part because of what hardcore otaku said in the post before that (about ddr being the cure for everything) and i figured i was already doing my zombie dance, so i may as well see if it matched up with any of ddr's songs. *hugs back*

hardcore otaku - (see above for ddr stuff). that elf thing is from everyquest 2...yeah, i know, i'm a dork, but what can i say? it's a fun way to pass the time and escape reality. i'm not gonna die. there's only one thing i'll allow to kill me, and i don't think she's willing to do that...i hope. *hugs back*

black pearl - hmm, that's what i was afraid of...stupid dark side. why can't john just die? see 'real name' in left column if you're confused, but john is the name of my 'dark' side. he's not really evil (he does things with good intentions most of the time), but he does screw things up a lot...he's the part of me that screwed everything up with rebecca. i hate him. why can't he just go away?
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Wednesday, February 9, 2005

'ello again everybody. well, my little dark elf is now a monk and an alchemist...yippee...like anyone cares though.

hmm, maybe i am gonna die? between my dream and purgatory's dream, it seems likely...*does my zombie dance* wheee...hey look, i can play ddr and do my zombie dance at the same time. hurray! lessee, what else is going on? i got my military id renewed, so now i have basic medical insurance again. yippee. blah, i'm going to go watch tv. maybe it'll distract me from the real world. see ya guys later. i miss talking to some of you on aim too. *big hugs for everyone that's on while i'm not around...and what the hell, big hugs for everyone else too*

"My Give A Damn's Busted"

Well you filled up my head,
With so many lies.
Twisted my heart
Til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
but my give a damn's busted.

You can crawl back home
say you were wrong,
stand out in the yard
cry all night long.
Well go ahead and water my lawn.
My give a damn's busted.

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Nope...
Sorry...
Nothin'

You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
After all you didn't pick em
Well maybe Oprah's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.

Well let me get this straight now
Your therapist said
It was all just a phase
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uhh ... who's your enabler these days
My give a damn's busted.

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper

Oh you're tellin' me
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Well honey... give me somethin' I can use.
My give a damn's busted.
Ahh you knew I was gonna say that, didn't ya.

My give a damn's busted
My give a damn's busted
Honey trust me
My give a damn's busted yeahhh
My give a damn's busted yeahhh
You wanna do what?
My give a damn's busted
Get the party started thats what we'll do
My give a damn's busted
I'm not done honey, trust me
My give a damn's busted
Been there, done that
My give a damn's busted
My give a damn's busted

-Jo Dee Messina
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Monday, February 7, 2005

hey all, sorry i haven't been around much. i've been pretty depressed the past couple of days and didn't feel like talking with anyone...at least not to anyone that knew any of my problems. i've been playing everquest (or evercrack as most of us call it) a lot this weekend. it helps me to escape from reality and interact with people that don't know anything about me. sometimes that's very refreshing. anyway, i may be back more in the next few days, but no promises. i really wanna get my little brawler to level 20 so i can become a monk...and my tradeskilling class needs to get to 20 so i can become an alchemist and help my guildy out with his neolith tempers he needs for armoring...that and i'm really tired of the real world so i wanna get out of here.

i hadda really strange dream last night too. i killed myself, but it wasn't like suicide. there were two of me...one with huge angelic wings and the other with large demonic wings. we fought each other and the demon one killed the angelic one. i'm not quite sure what that might mean, but i don't think it's a good thing. ah well, i'm not gonna worry about it. i quit caring about everything else, why worry about some stupid dream. well, maybe i didn't quit caring about everything. i still love you guys.
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Friday, February 4, 2005

well, i feel a little better today. i told her that i give up with trying to help her. i'm done watching over her. basically i gave up on everything. she told me she's always up to talk to me, but she just doesn't want any help. i've existed for so long solely to help other people that i don't know what to do now that i can't. guess i can go find someone else to help, but the way i am right now, i dunno how i can help anyone. i just love feeling useless, don't you? anyway, here's a song for my kitten. i still love you rebecca.

i love this girl's voice. her lyrics are pretty good on most songs too. well, here's the song.

"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I believe in
I just want to get it over with
tears form behind my eyes
but I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want whats yours and I want whats mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

We the stars fall and I lie awake
Your my shooting star

-Michelle Branch
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Thursday, February 3, 2005

about yesterday
well, i talked to her a little bit yesterday. she says she doesn't hate me. that's good i guess, but i still get the feeling she doesn't like me all that much. maybe purgatory's right. maybe she does feel smothered by me. guess i'll just stand back until she's ready to talk to me again. i give up trying. nothing goes right when i do, so i'm just gonna stay here and do nothing. no more going to see her or watch over her or try to help her. i don't mind helping people if they show appreciation or even if they don't, but when they yell at me or get pissed off about me trying to help, there's no point in me trying anymore, is there? *tears my wings off and leaves 'em in a dumpster in the back alley* guess i won't be needing those anytime soon, will i? they'll regrow when they're needed again. as for dying...i still feel dead, but i'm not going to kill myself. i couldn't do that to you guys or her or any of the people that care about me here.

on a different subject, i finally got around to buying one of those little usb thumbdrive things. for those of you that don't know what that is, it's a removable storage thing kinda like a floppy disc, but it goes in the usb port. it has 512mB of storage and saves a little faster. i got it because that's the primary drive thing on the school computers and my computer really hates floppys...not sure why, but whenever i put a floppy in it, it just makes obnoxious buzzing noises and the program i'm trying to save from freezes.

speaking of computer stuff, something's wrong with my monitor. i heard some kind of high-pitched buzzing sound. at first i thought it was my speakers, but when i turned 'em off, the buzzing was still there. not sure what it is, but i'd guess a capacitor is going out somewhere in it...guess what that means...yup, that's right...my warranty musta just expired. i'm gonna talk to peter in my circuits class tomorrow to see if he knows what it might actually be...he's some kinda computer guru. as long as it keeps working through tomorrow so i can get my lab done, it'll be all right...hopefully i don't have to buy a new monitor.
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Wednesday, February 2, 2005

anyone ever see the james bond movie, the world is not enough? well, there's one line in there that seems to sum up the way i've felt lately..."what's the point in living if you can't feel alive?" i haven't felt alive for four months now...that's how long it's been since she left me and nothing's gone right since. is there something wrong with me? i love her more than anyone or anything i've ever loved before, yet i mean absolutely nothing to her. i know i can't force her to love me and i don't want to. i just wish i meant something to her. i can't even be nice to her anymore without her getting pissed off at me. for example, today i told her that if she ever needed anyone to talk to about anything that i would be here for her and i was never going to leave her...how does she respond? she gets all pissy about it and thinks i want her to come running to me and sit in my lap and let me hold her. god, i can't even say i'll be here for someone without being misunderstood and yelled at. what's the point in going on if the only person you love can't stand you. i keep getting the feeling that she hates me but is too nice to say it. the only time she's shown any amount of care for me since she left was when i went to pick her up from her dad's and she was crying because they wouldn't let her go...i get the feeling that had nothing to do with wanting to be with me though. she was more interested in meeting my family and getting away from hers. why do i love her so much? why do i even bother trying to be nice to her or show that i care and that i'm here for her if she needs someone? all that happens when i do is my heart gets torn out over and over again and thrown in the dirt and stomped on. i can't just leave though. for some reason, despite all the pain i've endured, i still love her with all that i am. i don't know how i'll continue without her. i used to be a more independent person, but i can't do that anymore. i need her. she's everything to me. what's wrong with me?

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

-Evanescence
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Monday, January 31, 2005

hey, sorry i haven't updated in a while. nothing much going on. i lost $10 at a poker game the other day and went to see hide and seek, and assault on precint 13. if you wanna see hide and seek, i'd recommend waiting to rent it. it wasn't scary at all, and not really worth seeing in the theater. assault on precinct 13 was all right. i thought there'd be more action in it, but it was still good. it's one you might wanna see in theaters, but don't expect too much out of it...i'm getting kinda tired of movies being left open for sequels...especially when it's obvious they're doing it. oh well. i'll visit your guys' sites when i get home from school. right now i needa go write up a lab report.
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Thursday, January 27, 2005

um, today i saw elektra. i'm not sure why they say it's the sequel to daredevil...the two have nothing in common...except elektra makes a brief appearance in daredevil. well, anyway, elektra was a hell of a lot better than daredevil was...then again i can't stand ben affleck, so i was already biased against daredevil, and well, jennifer garner's hot, so even if the movie sucked it had her in tight red leather goin' for it. *wink* as superhero type movies go it was pretty good. as movies in general go, it was decent. oh well, it's the first time i've gotten outta the house except for school and poker in a while...certainly since i got sick.
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

i've really got nothing to talk about, so i'ma give you guys another song today.

"If I Die Tomorrow"

I wake up to find myself
After all these years
And where all the time has gone
Still seems so unclear
'Cause there's no one else
Since I found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow

It brings out the worst in me
When you're not around
I miss the sound of your voice
The silence seems so loud
'Cause there's no one else
Since I found you
I know it's been so hard
You should know

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow

I spent all my life
Looking for our innocence
I've got nothing to lose
One thing to prove
I won't make the same mistakes
Now I know
That everything will be ok
When I die tomorrow

If I die tomorrow
As the minutes fade away
I can't remember
Have I said all I can say?
You're my everything
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
You make me feel so alive
If I die tomorrow
If I die tomorrow

-Motley Crue

Note: not a suicide note
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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

hey guys, sorry i haven't updated for a few days. i haven't been feeling very well. been sleeping away most of every day. my flu is still here, but it's getting better. my headache is gone and so is the fever. i'm still kinda weak physically (can barely stand sometimes), my throat hurts, i'm dizzy, and my stomach is kind of upset (but not enough to stop me from eating anymore). other than that, there's really nothing going on in my life. well, off to take a quiz in circuits that i'm not ready for...either that or to turn in the homework i didn't do...hope it's a quiz...at least i'll have a chance to try on that.
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