Monday, January 10, 2005

to my dearest rebecca
"Forever's As Far As I'll Go"

I'll admit I could feel it
The first time that we touched.
The look in your eyes
Said you felt as much
But I'm not a man
Who falls so easily
It's best that you know
Where you stand with me

I will give you my heart
Faithful and true
And all the love it can hold
That's all I can do
But I've thought about
How long I'll love you
And it's only fair that you know
Forever's as far as I'll go.

When there's age around my eyes
And gray in your hair
And it only takes a touch to recall
The love we've shared
I won't take for granted
That you know my love is true
Each night in your arms
I will whisper to you.

I will give you my heart
Faithful and true
And all the love it can hold
That's all I can do
But I've thought about
How long I'll love you
And it's only fair that you know
Forever's as far as I'll go.

-Alabama
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Sunday, January 9, 2005

well, we didn't use the new table last night...was raining/snowing, so chris didn't wanna pick it up in his truck...would ruin the felt top, but we still played. i lost the first game ($10 down), but i won the second game and walked away with another $20 profit...the first game woulda been nicer to win though. there were more people in the first game, so the pot was about $120...ah well, guess ya can't win 'em all though....as long as i make any money, it's better than i've done for the past month or so...hehe.

"I Wouldn't Mind The Shackles"

I've been known to have a drink or two
In the comfort of my home
It helps to minimize the crazy things
I hear when I'm alone
You'd think by now that every sound
Wouldn't send her memory crashing through my brain
I wouldn't mind the shackles if it wasn't for the rattle of the chain

Certain little things she used to say
They come through loud and clear
It's sad but I admit I listen closer than I did
When she was here
Now every noise sounds like her voice
And I'm torn between the pleasure and the pain
I wouldn't mind the shackles if it wasn't for the rattle of the chain

I wouldn't mind the shackles, I knew the day she left
That I'd be wearing them until the end of time
But every day's a battle just to keep the burden of my heart
From interfering with my mind
It's knowing that I'll always have her last goodbye
Ringing in my ears, driving me insane
I wouldn't mind the shackles if it wasn't for the rattle of the chain

Now it seems like everytime I turn around here it comes again
Someone else is telling me about the brand new love she wound up in
I tell myself they all mean well
But I still tremble at the mention of her name
I wouldn't mind the shackles if it wasn't for the rattle of the chain

I wouldn't mind the shackles, I knew the day she left
That I'd be wearing them until the end of time
But every day's a battle just to keep the burden of my heart
From interfering with my mind
It's knowing that I'll always have her last goodbye
Ringing in my ears, driving me insane
I wouldn't mind the shackles
If it wasn't for the rattle of the chain

No I wouldn't mind the shackles
If it wasn't for the rattle of the chain

-Darryl Worley
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Saturday, January 8, 2005

last night
i gotta call from chris last night asking me to come up and play poker, but i hadda hurry because it was "snowing like a mother" (his exact words). just outta curiousity, how does a mother snow? anyway, he lives on top of a hill and i drive a little two-wheel drive car with half-bald tires, but i made it up the hill all safe and sound...didn't go above 5 mph and i didn't stop at the stop sign at the top of the hill (never woulda got moving again), and i was sliding a bit, but i made it there just fine....only five people were able to make it, so the pot wasn't that big, but i won it ($20 profit), then we played another two games that i lost, but oh well, i still walked away with $10 profit, and i'm going back again tonight. he's getting a new poker table today (like the ones on tv), so we're playing tonight to break it in. supposed to be about 10 people there, so it'll be a decent pot...hopefully i'll be able to walk away with at least a chunk of it. wish me luck guys.

i don't think it'll snow enough for them to cancel school though. hopefully there's not enough snow for people to be snowed in to keep them from going to work today (i have to work, so it'll be harder on me if they do). just about all the snow was melted when i left chris's house this morning at about 615 though, so i think it'll be all right.
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Friday, January 7, 2005

finally...the end of the day
well, the day is finally over. it was a loooong one. i got to school at around 945ish and circled through three different parking lots. then i found someone with their reverse lights on and sat in one spot in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before the line moved and someone left so i could take their spot. gotta spot and went to the library until my first class...physics was actually fairly interesting today...bernoulli's principle (has to do with pressure of fluids and a little with flow of electrical potential). then i had an hour to kill between classes so i read Demon Ororon #1. it was pretty good (thanks akemi...hehe, i remembered your name this time). ororon kinda reminds me of me...especially in the beginning. then i went to circuits where i had trouble staying awake, then into a 40 minute break where i went to mcdonald's for lunch, then on to calculus...integrals suck by the way. after that, i hadda physics lab to do involving pressure and density calculations. it took around three and a half hours. after the lab, i started home...thought i would get there just fine and end the day, but noooo....i got pulled over for speeding. i had already downshifted and was slowing down to the limit when the cop flashed his lights behind me. luckily i got off with a warning...he did tell me it woulda been a $173 ticket had he written one though. thank god for lazy cops...i mean nice ones...hehe. i stopped by work on my way home to pick up my pay check and make sure they'd gotten my availability right with school starting again. they did...unfortunately, they didn't schedule me to work on the weekend either, so now i have no hours for next week...means no paycheck for the week after. *sighs* got home, and saw that no one was logged onto aim (except those with away messages up), so i went to play eqII...except every time i'd hit the play button, it wouldn't load...just kept taking me to the character select screen. so, i shut that program off, then aim and the internet wouldn't connect, so i restarted my computer and it seems to be working all right now. *knocks on wood* hope your guys' day was less aggravating.

and the worst thing of the day...i found out during my lab that a girl in my physics class was killed yesterday in a car wreck. her name was Kristina Lovell. she was 25 years old working on a degree in civil engineering. R.I.P. Kristina. you will be missed. *sniffles*
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Thursday, January 6, 2005

well, the weather people said today that the chance of snow at lower elevations (mine) has dropped quite a bit. that's good and bad, but mostly good i think.

on my break at school today, i drove over to the mall and went manga shopping. the lady that worked there saw me all confused in the manga section and came over to help me. we talked a bit about manga and other junk like tv shows and stuff. i eventually got demon ororon 1-4...thanks to hardcore_otaku for recommending it...well, maybe i should wait until after i read it before i thank her, but whatever. oh yeah, she's my newest little sister, so you other siblings, welcome her to the family...hehe

one last note....by the time you all see this post, i will have passed the 1000 hits mark....it's at 997 as i'm updating.
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Wednesday, January 5, 2005

well, um, i really don't have much to talk about. this morning my physics teacher was talking about a possible snow day on friday or monday (no snow or ice yet, but a few have predicted it). in a way, i hope he's right, but at the same time, i hope not. i'd like the day off from school, but it'll be a pain. in college, we don't just skip material because we missed days...they cram all the material into less days, so it makes life hard (as if it's not already hard enough). well, um, lessee...what else is there? i hadda leave my last class early to get to work on time today. apparently my service record isn't very good, so they sent me to some service class....it was basically just the orientation i got when i was hired...in fact there were a few new-hires there going through orientation. one of 'em is gonna work at the gas station at my store. he seems pretty cool, but i won't see him very often...works on other end of the parking lot. well, after that class thing (best part of which is i got paid for four hours of work without having to do anything), i came home, ate some leftover pizza from when the family had dinner earlier, and got online. how was your guys' days?
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Tuesday, January 4, 2005

pretty fun quiz
click here to take the quiz. my answers are:

blue - 11
sensitive tan - 9
violet - 8
indigo - 7
lavendar - 6
crystal - 6
abstract tan - 6
yellow - 6
magenta - 6
logical tan - 6
green - 5
red - 3
environmental tan - 3
orange - 2
red overlay - 2

the quiz is a bit long, but it's kinda fun to find out what color aura you're supposed to have....i'm thinking just your top two or three are the most important and whether you have a red overlay or not. overall i think it was pretty accurate. the first two for my results were especially accurate i think. the third seems close, and the fourth is pretty good. after that, there's bits and pieces, but overall, they don't seem to resemble me all that much...or i don't think so anyway.
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Monday, January 3, 2005

writer's block sucks
i heard a song on the radio by pat green called "don't break my heart again" and i liked one line in it. i wanted to write a poem around that line, but i can't think of anything. the line is "baptised by tears." i was thinking of making that the title, but i dunno the rest of the poem yet. is it considered copyright infirngement if you borrow one line from a song? i've heard of people getting sued for using a couple of notes in sequence from another song, but i'm not doing it for money and not many will see it, so i'm sure it's all right. well, whatever, i'm gonna make the song and if pat or the writer/producers of the song don't like it, they can ask me to remove it...now to think of something to write....

well, rebecca and i are not getting back together...at least not any time soon...and from what she said, we may never get back together. she said she needs to be alone for a long time, so we're just going to be friends. she says i'll find someone, and who knows, i just might, but right now, i don't want anyone else. the way my heart's feeling right now, i'm going to die alone unless she decides she does want to be with me again somewhere in the future. just friends? heh, after all we've been through, it's going to be hard, but for her, i'll try. i can't just stop loving her, but i will stop telling her if it hurts her. that's the last thing i want. surprisingly, it doesn't hurt that bad to hear that we won't be together. then again, maybe i'm still numb and the pain will kick in later. she's asked me to stop telling her i love her (it hurts her to hear when she can't do anything back), so i'm going to try my best to stop. i'd like to dedicate one last song to rebecca before i have to stop though. here it is...

"While You Loved Me"

If I ever write the story of my life
Don't be surprised if you're where it begins
Girl, I'd have to dedicate every line on every page
To the memories we made, while you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
I lived while you loved me

I'd start with chapter one, love innocent and young
As the morning sun on a new day
Even though I know the end, Well I'd do it all again
'Cause I got a lifetime in, while you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
I lived while you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
I lived while you loved me

I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
I lived while you loved me

-Rascal Flatts

from when i stayed with her family in sept
good bye my love...i guess i'm just your best friend now...or a friend at the very least.
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Saturday, January 1, 2005

this is posted on my xanga, so some of you may have read it already
new year's eve...thus ends the best and worst year of my life. best because it's the year i finally got to meet the girl of my dreams in person. we've gone through so much together. there's no way i can imagine myself with anyone else. it's also the worst year because of all the things we've had to endure together, but at least it was together...even if our relationship ended. i'm not going to go into details of the hardships we've endured. many of you already know some of them. the rest...i'm not at liberty to say, so just suffice it to say, we've been through more than any other two people i've ever met....and through it all, my love for her remains as strong, if not stronger, than the day i first fell in love with her. i know she still loves me...i'm just not sure how she loves me, or what she wants from us.

rebecca, i love you so much. all the joy you've brought into my life, and all the strength you've given to me...i love you for it. through all the hardships, and the trials we've been through together, i've never once doubted that we were meant to be together. maybe someday we will be, but for now, i'll wait patiently for you to figure out what it is you want. i love you kitten....nothing will change that.

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Friday, December 31, 2004

i was watching dogma the other day (one of the greatest movies ever by the way). well, the scene with bethany and bartleby talking on the train really caught my attention. here's what they said:

Bart: I was uh dumped once.
Beth: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, why was i so easy to cast aside?
Bart: You wonder if the other party's gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Beth: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bart: When actually, it hurts more.
Beth: You know what we need?
Bart: What do we need?
Beth: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.

well, it's been about three months now since she left me, and the pain of no longer being with her still hasn't subsided. if anything, it's worse. she still has all of my heart and all of my love. right now she seems undecided about what to do with it. she likes it when i'm around, and loves hanging out with me, and sometimes it feels like she wants more. unfortunately, she's unable to say it. i don't know for certain if she wants to be with me or not (it does seem like it a lot of the time), but i hope she does. and if she does, i hope and pray she's able to get over the fear of hurting me again. i'm not in pain anymore from anything she's ever done. all that hurts me now is her indecision. i'd like an answer, but there's no way i can push her. i can't do that to her. she'll give me an answer in her own time. until then, i'll wait here for her. i'm terrified that she'll tell me i'm wrong and she really has no feelings for me, but at the same time, if that's the way she feels, i think it's something i deserve to know.

Later that day: i called and finally got ahold of her. she says she's doing ok, and is making it through. as long as she's all right, i guess i'll be fine. i still wish she coulda come down here (i know she wishes the same), but at least she's ok there.
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