Thursday, December 30, 2004

well, i'm doing a little better today. i'm still dissappointed that she's not here though. i went to work to talk to jessica (she was really looking forward to meeting rebecca. she's like, "let's meet this girl you're always talking about.") well, she was mad that she couldn't come down. oh well. then i went to a video rental place and got taking lives, hero, and resident evil 2. watched hero...it was all right, but not the best movie i've ever seen. just trying to take my mind off of missing her...failing, but *shrugs* at least i'm trying.

as for comments...rayea, i went to the mall (sporting goods store) to find a heavy bag (those big hanging punching bags), but they didn't have any. i was gonna go to gi joes, but i got distracted by the movie rental place. witchchick...i can't kidnap her. she would be pissed off at me...not to mention, i'd be in prison right now...and i doubt yelling would've done much good. as for the rest of you, thanks for the support.

Edit: rayea, i'm not mad at rebecca. never have been. i'm mad at her family. one more thing, it's not because of dean. he's done all he can to help her as well. it's because of her family and the way they are and how they treat her that this happened...no one else.
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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
the song in the intro has become the story of my life lately or so it would seem.

Welcome to the worst vacation ever.

ok, first off, i'm sorry if this is incoherent or jumbled in any way and if it confuses you. i'm so pissed off while i'm writing this that it's hard to think straight.

so i get up early this morning and drive up to shelton (3 hour drive) to pick up rebecca and bring her back here to stay with my family for a few days, right? wrong. i get there and her dad says hi, then goes grocery shopping, so i'm at home with rebecca, grandma, and step-mom. apparently, i'm welcome to stay there as long as i'd like, but rebecca's not leaving. they won't let her come back here with me. anyway, there's a little argument and rebecca's crying the whole time i'm there because she thinks she can't leave because it would be disrespectful (they don't show her any, so i don't see the problem there). she's upset that i drove all that way for nothing. i tell her that she could just get in the car and come back with me. then it wouldn't have been for nothing. she refuses for a while, then eventually calls her mom. after she hung up with mom, she says she's coming with me and changing her flight to be out of portland instead of seattle (portland is only 20 minutes from my house). she goes to get the flight information so she can change it, then the next thing i hear she's staying and i'm leaving alone.

i'm so pissed off right now and there's another whole in my heart. who knew some old bitch could rip my heart out? (talking of grandma here...step-mom just sorta sat there saying, "it's not my decision." at least one of 'em knows that...it's rebecca's decision, not grandma's, but rebecca doesn't understand that.) here i was looking forward to spending most of a week (or at least a few days) with the girl i love and her family won't let her come. my family was looking forward to meeting her too. guess that's not gonna happen. wanna know how many telephone poles, trees, and oncoming semi-trucks i thought of driving into on my way home? didn't think so, but it was a lot.

just so everyone knows, i'm not mad at rebecca for this. i'm a little dissappointed with her (but more dissappointed in myself. i've been trying to teach her to stand up for herself, and to support her, but i guess i've failed). i'm really pissed off at her family. they've known for about a month that we'd planned on her staying there through christmas, then have me come get her and bring her back to my house after. then i get there and they deny knowing anything and say they never heard about it or they don't remember. so, i guess i went through all this trouble of fighting my boss for vacation time for nothing. i put my name on the vacation calendar to have this week off when i found out she would be coming down here (about a month ago). then i get the schedule for this week and see i'm working several days. i had to go argue with my boss and get him to re-do it because i'm on vacation and can't work this week because a friend is coming in from out of town. well, i got the vacation (at the expense of pissing off my boss...who's already pissed off at me about service-related garbage), and find out i should've just worked. and now, since i got the vacation time, i don't even have work to take my mind off of all this bullshit. something tells me that if i'd brought up any of that, they wouldn't have cared. they'd just be like, "well, tough shit. you'll get over it." i don't even care anymore. if she'd like to stay with them (no matter how they treat her or how much she hates it there), then fine. i'll just sit here on my computer all day killing time waiting for her to get back home in tennessee so i can talk to her again. i wonder what they said to her while i wasn't there to make her change her mind about changing her flight and coming back with me. well, whatever it was, i'm sure it was some kinda guilt trip thing. you should've seen the guilt trip grandma was laying down on her just during the few hours i was there. wow, that is one manipulative bitch. *bows before grandma* i'd like to dedicate a song to rebecca's grandmother. here it is...

"Head Like A Hole"

God money i'll do anything for you.
God money just tell me what you want me to.
God money nail me up against the wall.
God money don't want everything he wants it all.

No you can't take it
No you can't take it
No you can't take that away from me
No you can't take it
No you can't take it
No you can't take that away from me

Head like a hole.
Black as your soul.
I'd rather die than give you control.
Head like a hole.
Black as your soul.
I'd rather die than give you control.

Bow down before the one you serve.
You're going to get what you deserve.
Bow down before the one you serve.
You're going to get what you deserve.

God money's not looking for the cure.
God money's not concerned with the sick amongst the pure.
God money let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised.
God money's not one to choose

No you can't take it
No you can't take it
No you can't take that away from me
No you can't take it
No you can't take it
No you can't take that away from me

Bow down before the one you serve.
You're going to get what you deserve.
Bow down before the one you serve.
You're going to get what you deserve.

Bow down before the one you serve.
You're going to get what you deserve.
Bow down before the one you serve.
You're going to get what you deserve.

No you can't take it
No you can't take it
No you can't take that away from me
No you can't take it
No you can't take it
No you can't take that away from me

Bow down before the one you serve.
You're going to get what you deserve.
Bow down before the one you serve.
You're going to get what you deserve.

You know who you are.

-Nine Inch Nails

Edit: i wrote this post when i first got home and waited to post it until the next day thing updated. i'm still dissappointed that she couldn't come down and i miss her terribly, but i'm not mad anymore...maybe a little upset still, but not mad.
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Monday, December 27, 2004

GET IT OUT!! GET IT OUT!! GET IT OUT!!
*smacks the sides of my head* i have "drop it like it's hot" by snoop dogg stuck in my head. i went with my brother and a few friends to a strip club tonight to celebrate one of the guys' 18th birthdays. well, the guy that was driving had that cd in the player and kept playing that song...alas, there is a type of music i can't stand...hip hop, rap (gangster rap anyway), and other things of that nature.

any of you ever been to a strip club? prolly not: i think most of you are under 18, but some of the girls are awfully pushy. it gets kind of annoying. there was this one really scrawny girl (i'm talkin' anorexic scrawny) that kept trying to get us to buy a dance from her. it's hard to come up with a reason to say no without sounding like a jerk. luckily for me, i'd promised one of the other girls i'd go down to the stage for her (a girl i went to school with and she wasn't getting a lot of attention, so i decided to help her out). i have decided one thing recently though. most strippers are the coolest people ever. they're so interesting. i love just sitting there and talking with them about whatever. at first they're so friendly because they want money (of course, it's their job), but sometimes you can get 'em to just sit there and chat for a while. they do have to cut the conversations short a lotta the time to go mingle though (also part of their job), but they're pretty cool. chris (the birthday boy) was so excited because he got a stripper's phone number. hehe, i bet it was a fake number. oh yeah, and people, if you go to a strip club, please....bring lots of money...that shit's expensive. greg only brought $10...that pays the cover to get in and half the drink. then he bummed money from the rest of us. he owes me $40, chris $80, and my brother $5.

*looks up* wow, that was a long post about strippers...hehe, sorry, hadn't intended to make it this long....gonna be a little longer though. my brother got me a new keyboard for christmas, and i keep hitting the wrong buttons. my old one was a little smaller and i'd gotten used to where those keys were, so forgive any typos...i think i fixed 'em all as i made them, but just in case...
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Sunday, December 26, 2004

updated kinda late last night
so this is just so it'll appear like i updated, so you guys will go check out that last update if you're interested. *back to clearing out room for all the junk i got* there are so many pillows laying around my room now. they won't even fit on my bed (at least not while i'm there too).
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Saturday, December 25, 2004

merry christmahannekwanzaka
hey all, sorry i haven't updated in a few days or come by your sites. work's been keeping me pretty busy getting ready for christmas (retail is a nightmare this time of year). i do have good news though. first of all, i'm on vacation. officially it starts tomorrow, but the store is closed today, so i get today off too (and it's a paid holiday, so it's really like 8 days paid vacation). the second bit of good news is, i finally gotta call from rebecca last night. i'm going to pick her up from her dad's house on tuesday and bring her back here for a few days. i'm not sure how long she's gonna stay with my family, but she'll be here a little while. hopefully my family doesn't scare her too much (they can be strange...as you've no doubt guessed based on what you've seen from me). *leans back in my chair and stretches, then yawns* hope you guys are doin' good and the rest of this year turns out good for you. love you all *big group hug*
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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

hurray! my brother bought his own computer today from a friend of ours. now he won't be on mine all day, so i'll be able to play more and talk longer without having to act like a jerk to him by not letting him play his game...hehe.

this song is dedicate to guess who...that's right, rebecca again. i love you kitten. based on what rayea's told me, this song fits pretty well. i've already posted this one once, but i think it fits the situation pretty well, so i'm posting it again.

"Everything You Want"

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

-Vertical Horizon
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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

hmm, this is really weird. everytime i go to my backroom, it says i have one unread private message, so i click the link and there's no messages there. i've searched through my sent and saved messages, and there's nothing there either. must be some kinda bug. so, if any of you have sent me a message recently and i haven't responded, that's most likely why...i can't get to it.
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Sunday, December 19, 2004

first of all i'd like to thank all you guys for supporting me like this. and secondly, i'd like to thank rebecca for answering honestly. it was such a wonderful answer that it actually brought a tear to my eye. ya know something? a lotta the time it almost seems like she wants to come back to me, but she's too scared she'll hurt me again. rebecca, if you read this (not sure you have internet access right now), please know that i love you no matter what and if you ever decide you'd like to give us another chance, i'm here waiting for you. please don't let your fear of hurting me hold you back. i hate seeing you living in fear, so i want you to know that i'm not worried or afraid you'll hurt me again. what hurts me most right now is knowing that you might want me somewhere in your heart, but you're too afraid to admit it. if this isn't true, tell me, but if it is, i'll do what i can to reassure you that everything's going to be ok and not to worry about my heart. it's fine. i love you.

"True"

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move 'til you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
It's true
'Cause I'm afarid to know the answers
Do you want me too?
'Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I won't hide
It's time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You don't know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afarid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I won't hide
It's time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I won't hide
It's time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

This is true

-Ryan Cabrera
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Saturday, December 18, 2004

I don't wanna be me anymore - type o negative
i was listening to affirmation by savage garden recently. one of the lines seems to fit me right now. that line is..."I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye." well, i know what i said goodbye to: the most wonderful, sweet, amazing girl on earth. i just wonder what she thinks she's said goodbye to....or does she even care? does she even think she's said goodbye? rebecca, if you read this...please tell me, what do you think you've left behind? if you don't want them to read it, pm me, or tell me on aim, or in person...whatever you want...but please, tell me.


this song represents the way i'm feeling right now. all that's left is to cling to the past where there were happy memories.

"Scars"

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
and I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
and I can't help to fix myself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
and I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
and I tried to grab your hand
and I left my heart open
but you didn't understand
but you didn't understand
You fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

-Papa Roach
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Friday, December 17, 2004

i got my grades from fall quarter today
i passed both of the classes i took....barely...C+ in circuits and a C in physics, but i passed!!! i was kinda worried for a while there. now i can move on to the second part of each sequence instead of waiting a full year to retake those two again...hurray for me.

so, how's your guys' day goin'?
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