Thursday, December 16, 2004

last night
i went to see ocean's 12 with a buncha people from work. i thought the first one was better, but this one was still good. if you liked ocean's 11, i recommend seeing this one. if not, well, then don't bother.

our bathroom door is back up by the way. guess mom only wanted the outside sanded and stained, so the inside (bathroom side) is still blue, but we don't have to look at that ugly yellow color anymore. in a way, it seems kinda weird walking by a stained brown door instead of the ugly yellow. it's been that yellow color since we moved in here a little over a year ago. guess i kinda got used to it.

my fingers are also doing a lot better. i still can't feel much with my index finger, but the rest of 'em are fine now. i'd give you guys a song now, but i'm too tired to bother, so i'ma go back to bed (after i check my email)...don't you feel special? you guys came before my email did this time..hehe.
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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

heh, how could i forgetta tell you guys about my dad's new project yesterday. my mom's decided she can no longer live with our bathroom door being blue and yellow (the colors the people who built the house painted it when they lived here). so, she had my dad take the door off and now he gets to sand the paint off and stain it. we've already done that with all the bedroom doors, but we decided to leave the bathroom door because, well, you can't very well have a bathroom with no door on it, now can you? well, now we do...there's a shower curtain hanging in the way...hehe...my house is so ghetto now. hopefully he has the door finished soon.

this song just came on the radio. guess who i'd like to dedicate it to....hehe, how'd you know? you guys are either psychic, or i'm too predictable now. anyway, here's to you rebecca. i love you.

"November Rain"

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time
to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

-Guns 'n' Roses
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Monday, December 13, 2004

hey guys. how's everyone doing? i'm doin' pretty good all things considered. i burned myself last night at work though. i was an idiot...grabbed part of the fryer basket in the deli that had been submerged in oil (220 degrees) for 7+ minutes. oops. oh well, luckily it didn't cause any permanent damage. just seared some nerve endings in my finger tips, so now i have that kinda numb can still barely feel kinda feeling in all four of the fingers on my right hand.

let's see, what else has been going on? my sister decorated our tree the other day and the cat wouldn't leave her alone (it's his first christmas). she brought him into my room and handed him to my brother (why's he always in here?) to keep an eye on, but that didn't last. the cat "got away." i wasn't looking, but i suspect sean just dropped him on the floor and let him go back to the living room. then we heard a crash and caitlin came in complaining that the cat had knocked a bulb off the tree and it shattered on the carpet. other than the cat thing and burning myself, it's been pretty dull around here. how've you all been?
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Saturday, December 11, 2004

wow, i'm surprised how many of you thought i was thinking of things
like suicide...don't worry 'bout that. i won't kill myself. what i
meant by option three yesterday is i just sit here patiently waiting
for her to come back, but she never does and i eventually die of old age or some other natural cause. though, reading this next poem/song thingy prolly won't do much to convince you guys of that. i wrote this one around the chorus thingy about a week ago. it still seems like something is missing, but i'll show it to you guys now and maybe you can help me out in fixing it.

"Goodbye"

She's gone and she's not coming back
All hope is lost

Goodbye cruel world
I've no reason left to live
Goodbye cruel world
I've nothing left to give
Goodbye cruel world
I'm leaving you today

Her heart belongs to another
What purpose is left for me?
There's nothing i can do
To make her stay
I wouldn't want her to anyway
He makes her happier than I ever could.

He has her heart
And she has mine
I don't want it back
I have no use for it anyway

Goodbye cruel world
I've no reason left to live
Goodbye cruel world
I've nothing left to give
Goodbye cruel world
I'm leaving you today

-me
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Friday, December 10, 2004

i updated the song in the intro for those of you that're interested
this is for how i am now. all i have left to do is wait here patiently for one of three things to happen. 1) she changes her mind and comes back. 2) i find someone else. 3) i die alone. right now the first and third seem preferable.

"Like A Stone"

On a cold wet
afternoon
no room for love and emptiness
by a freeway
I confess I was lost in the pages
of a book
full of death
reading how we'll die alone
and if a god will lay to rest
anywhere we want to go
in your house
I long to be
room by room
patiently
I'll wait for you there
like a stone
I'll wait for you there
alone

and on my death bed
I will pray
to the gods and the angels
like a pagan
to anyone who will take me to heaven
to a place
i would recall
i was there so long ago
the sky was bruised
the world was black
and there you led me on

in your house
I long to be
room by room
patiently
I'll wait for you there
like a stone
I'll wait for you there
alone

in all I read
till the day was gone
and I sat in regret
in all the things I've done
for all that I've blessed
and all that I've wronged
in dreams till my death
I will wonder on

in your house
I long to be
room by room
patiently
I'll wait for you there
like a stone
I'll wait for you there
alone
alone

-Audioslave
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Thursday, December 9, 2004

ok, first things first. i have some good news and i have some bad news. bad news first...i don't think i did very well on either one of my finals today. i just hope i did well enough to pass my classes so i can continue on to the next ones in the series. and now for the good news...those finals were the last time i had class this quarter, so i am now on winter break until the first.

ok, i still owe you guys two more songs, so here's one of those two. i've posted this one before, but it's still true. even though we're no longer together, her happiness is one of my two main concerns...the other is her safety. this song is also for the time right after she left me and said she wanted dean, but was afraid to tell him because she thought he wouldn't take her back. i hadda push her to tell him that's what she wanted. yes, it hurt me to push her to another guy, but her being afraid hurt me more, so i did what i had to do. unfortunately, i think my doing that made her think i wasn't in as much pain as i was. she thought i was all right...it doesn't matter anymore though. *points up to quote under my avatar* that's me at the moment. anyway, here's your song:

"Just To See You Smile"

You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from bein' made of gold
I don't know how but I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no
Just like when you were leavin' Amarillo
Takin’ that new job in Tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I can't forget the way you looked at me

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
Cuz leavin' didn't hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin' down your face
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin' up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance I’d lie again

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
I'ts worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

-Tim McGraw
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Wednesday, December 8, 2004

this describes the way i felt right after she left me. my heart is still lonely without her, but when she's around it feels better...sometimes.


"In Love And Lonely"

In love and lonely
In love and lonely

I'm not with you my baby
Just to see you cry
I'm in love with you
Not the tears in your eyes

I can't remember
The last time you smiled
Oh I know how it feels
I know what it's like

To be
In love and lonely
In love and lonely

Don't know what to do my baby
It's not alright
This can't be the end
The time to say good bye

No I won't walk away that easy
After all this time
Oh you know how it feels
You know what it's like

To be
In love and lonely
In love and lonely

Oh you know how it feels
You know what it's like
You know how it is
But you just can't stop crying

In love and lonely
In love and lonely

In love and lonely
In love and lonely

-Him
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Tuesday, December 7, 2004

this song is for the time between when she first started thinking of leaving me and the time that we were officially over as a couple. i'm bolding the chorus only because it's especially true of the way i was (and still am) feeling. think of the rest as being bolded, and the chorus as being superbolded.

"Let's Be Us Again"

Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I'd do anything to make it right
Let's be us again
I'm sorry for the way I lost my head
I don't know why I said the things I said
Lets be us again

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reachin out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again
Us again

Look at me, I'm way past pride
Isn't there some way that we can try
To be us again
Even if it takes a while
I'll wait right here until I see that smile
That says we're us again

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reachin out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us
Ohhh

Baby baby, what would I do
Can't imagine life without you

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I dont wanna ever see the end
Baby please I'm reachin out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Oh here I am I'm reachin out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again
Oh, lets be us again

-Lonestar
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Monday, December 6, 2004

this song is for the moment i knew she wanted to end our relationship. i still tried to hold on and didn't wanna hear her say good bye. i thought that if she didn't actually say the words, we could stay together (foolish, i know, but it's those little self delusions that allow us to survive sometimes).


"Don't Speak"

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

-No Doubt
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Sunday, December 5, 2004

this song basically describes what rebecca was telling me when she first told me about dean and i was insecure and thought i'd lose her to him. she kept telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me. guess she changed her mind. either that or my insecurities came true. *shrugs* maybe i did over-react a bit, though she did eventually leave. i'm not really sure how being insecure when the girl you love is torn between you and another guy is over-reacting though. it seems natural to me to fear losing the love of your life. oh well, here's the song.

if you're interested in learning a bit more about me, i filled out a survey thingy. click here to see it. that's my xanga site by the way.

"Don't Be Stupid (You Know I Love You)"

You're so complicated-you hang over my shoulder
When I read my mail
I don't appreciate it
When I talk to other guys
You think they're on my tail
I get so aggravated when I get off the phone
And I get the third degree
I'm really feelin' frustrated
Why don't you take a pill and put a little trust in me
And you'll see

Don't freak out until you know the facts
Relax

Don't be stupid-you know I love you
Don't be ridiculous-you know I need you
Don't be absurd-you know I want you
Don't be impossible

I'm mad about you
Can't live without you
I'm crazy 'bout you
So don't be stupid-you know I love you

Stop overreacting
You even get suspicious when I paint my nails
It's definitely distracting
The way you dramatize every little small detail

Don't freak out until you know the facts
Relax-Max

Don't be stupid-you know I love you
Don't be ridiculous-you know I need you
Don't be absurd-you know I want you
Don't be impossible
I'm mad about you (I'm mad about you)
Can't live without you (can't live without you)
I'm crazy 'bout you (I'm crazy 'bout you)
Don't be stupid-you know I love you

Don't be stupid-you're my baby

I'm mad about you (I'm mad about you)
Can't live without you (can't live without you)
I'm crazy 'bout you (I'm crazy 'bout you)
Don't be stupid-you know I love you
Don't be ridiculous-you know I need you
Don't be absurd-you know I want you
Don't be impossible

-Shania Twain
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