Tuesday, November 9, 2004

"More Than Love"

We were in love before
But now it's so much more
Cause when I kiss your lips I can't explain
What I feel in my heart for you
I don't know what I'd do
Baby if I lost you
Cause I've been without you and I know how it feels
And I can't be alone anymore
I know its more than love
Baby I can feel it
When I'm close to you
I know its more than love baby do you
Maybe my words can't explain
Why I'm feeling this way

-Los Lonely Boys

i posted this part yesterday, but it was kinda late, so i don't think anyone saw it...no one commented anyway, so i'm reposting it here.

I found where i heard that before
korn's version of another brick in the wall has something similar at the end....

goodbye cruel world
i'm leaving you today
goodbye
goodbye
goodbye

goodbye all you people
there's nothing you can say
to make me change my mind

that's the thing at the end of the song.
Comments (6) | Permalink

Monday, November 8, 2004

writing a song
i've started trying to write a song...i've got what i think will be the chorus down...trouble is, i can't get the rest, so maybe i'll just leave it and call it a little poem. other problem is it seems a bit familiar to me like i've already heard this song and am just half remembering it. i don't wanna write something outta my head, then find out that it was actually someone else's work that i'd incorporated into my being, so i'll post the chorus here for you guys to look at. tell me if you know this from somewhere else so i don't accidently claim it as my own.

goodbye cruel world
there's no reason for me to live
goodbye cruel world
i've nothing left to give
goodbye cruel world
i'm leaving you today

no, don't worry, it's not a suicide note. i just thought it sounded pretty...is it bad that things about leaving this life sound pretty? am i more depressed than i thought? i'm having a really hard time feeling anything right now. it's beginning to feel like i've forgotten how to be happy. oh well, i'm sure i'll manage somehow...after all, i've got you guys to help me, right? and i'll help you where i can. anyway, tell me if that sounds familiar. until then, i'll just say it might be mine, and it might be somewhere in my subconscious from a song i've heard in the past.

i'm going to see saw this wednesday with some people from work. i'll tell you how it was after i see it. good night and i'll talk to you all later.
Comments (8) | Permalink

Sunday, November 7, 2004

more poems and one of the most awesome songs ever written by one of the greatest bands ever....
i wrote two more poems i'd like to share with you guys...hope you like 'em...i like the second one better...here they are...

"Faith"

I can feel my faith
In God
In life
In love
In happiness
It's slipping away
Going to a place I can never find it

and

"Understanding"

I must remain strong
For those who depend on me
And who care for me
I will cling to my broken heart
Until the day I die
And when judgement day comes,
I will ask God...why?

Understanding
That's all I want
To know why
Why did this happen?
I don't understand and probably never will
Because there is no God
Or if there is, he just doesn't care

i've also had this song stuck in my head all day...korn remade it (did an awesome job too....i think it was korn anyway)...but they play it way too much on the radio lately...ah well; without further ado, here it is...

"Another Brick in the Wall - parts 1-3"
and
"Outside the Wall"

Daddy's gone across the ocean,
Leaving just a memory,
A snapshot in the family album.
Daddy, what else did you leave for me?
Daddy, whatcha leave behind for me?
All in all it was just a brick in the wall.
All in all it was just the bricks in the wall.

We don't need no education.
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teacher, leave those kids alone.
Hey, Teacher, leave those kids alone!
All in all it's just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
We don't need no education.
We don't need no thought control.
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teachers, leave those kids alone.
Hey, Teacher, leave those kids alone!
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

I don't need no walls around me.
And I don't need no drugs to calm me.
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need any thing at all.
No. Don't think I need anything at all.
All in all it was all just the bricks in the wall.
All in all it was all just the bricks in the wall.

All alone, or in twos,
The ones who really know you,
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand,
Some gather together in bands,
The bleeding hearts and artists,
Make their stand.
And when they've given you their all,
Some stagger and fall.
After all it's not easy,
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall

-Pink Floyd

i think that song pretty much sums up existance for me...none of us are really all that special on our own, but together, we're part of a bigger whole...we need each other to be worth anything...i mean, sure each of us is unique and special in our own individual ways, but we need to be together...held together by love and friendship to ever really amount to anything...a brick wall is a pretty good analogy of human beings i think...love and friendship are like the mortar that holds us together...by ourselves we're just a weak little rock, but when we're held together, we form something much stronger than any individual can ever hope to become. ok, i'm gonna let you guys ponder this on your own before my over-analytical brain ruins any deepness that may be left in this analogy. good night all.
Comments (6) | Permalink

Saturday, November 6, 2004

i have over 100 guest book entries now...(101 to be precise)...yippee? thanks all *shakes the hand of all that signed. hugs a few extra special ones...rebecca (you knew that was coming), rayea, brosenka (still not my type dude, just a friendly hug...hehe), black pearl, purgatory, kittieofdoom, and vampyress (didn't expect that, did you?)* sorry if i missed any of you with a hug. if you want one too, lemme know. i'm giving 'em out free all day...hehe...well, maybe not entirely free; you gotta pay with a hug back...hehe.

any of you ever hear of a guy named jack handy? anyway, he's kind of a comedian type guy...he has a segment called Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy...this guy is more random than i am...even when i'm hyper. anyway, here's an example. i may give you more over the next few days..."When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear."

here's your song for the day. this is such an awesome cd ("the end of all things to come" by Mudvayne). this song is track one.

"Silenced"

Sticker this
Censor this
Ban this
We've got something to say!
Release this
Condemn this
Damn this
We'll be heard anyway!
Middle finger in the back then I wait but I'm silenced.
(Listen here)

Is it a possibility,
That we're all just equal?
Slap the power down
(Abusing)
Oh doesn't it piss you off,
To be beaten at your own game?
You lead us with false morals
And shelter reality!
(No more)
We're not buying your product but you sell it to us preaching silence!

Insult me in my home
Where you were never invited
To live life on your curb
(Frustrating)
Throw sticks into the spokes
To relieve insecurities
Stifle all dissention
And sticker our freedom of speech!
(So wrong)

Sticker this
Censor this
Ban this
We've got something to say!
Release this
Condemn this
Damn this
We'll be heard anyway!
Middle finger in the back then I wait but I'm silenced.
(Silenced)

Don't tell me what I want
Don't tell me what I need
Don't tell me how I need to feel
I feel
Goddamn nothing!
Through the eyesores on my face
I can still see right fucking through you
Fuck you and everything you are
I feel were all still mental.
Closed eyes while you fucking criticize
keep your policy
and try to exploit me
Fabricate your lies
We have burned these ghosts just to bleed out in silence!
(Listen here)

Stand on my soapbox
And speak my own piece
Whatever you may think
(It's real)
to go through what is me
And step on your beliefs
Need these bodies to sell us
Robbing our integrity!
(Bring it on)

Sticker this
Censor this
Ban this
We've got something to say!
Release this
Condemn this
Damn this
We'll be heard anyway!
Middle finger in the back then I wait for it

-Mudvayne
Comments (4) | Permalink

Friday, November 5, 2004

i'm sorry
sorry all. i've been so focused on myself and my own pain lately, i haven't been paying much attention to everyone else. if any of you need me for anything, i'm here for ya. i can't promise much, but i will at least give you someone to talk to. anything else i can do for ya, please tell me and i'll try. tell me how ya guys are doing.

i love you rebecca. i'm sorry my post about being ignored upset you, but you did ask me not to try to keep my feelings in. i do feel much better now than i did when i posted that. i know you don't ignore only me and i guess i forgot about your msn problems. i still don't understand how a computer can do that, but it's not important. if you're away or idle or not signed on on aim, i won't try to talk to you on msn. again, i'm sorry.

"Love Song"

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again, again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again, again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Love you
Love you
Love you
Love you...

-Jack Off Jill
Comments (6) | Permalink

Thursday, November 4, 2004

no class today
my circuits instructor is off at some conference or something, so we don't have that class today or tomorrow. i decided to skip physics today and go to the art store instead. i took the wrong exit though. oh well, went to one of the malls instead (there's 4 in the immediate area). i tried to go christmas shopping for rebecca. i know she wants anime stuffs....do you have any idea how many animes there are? that one store had like 800 different ones plus mangas. i looked around for a bit and found a few she might like, but i didn't get 'em yet. i went to hot topic and sam goody to get some cds that people had recommended to me. i got avenged sevenfold's waking the fallen, and jack off jill's clear hearts grey flowers. neither place had the joj cd i was looking for...the one with "when angels fuck" on it, so i got this one instead. i haven't listened to a7f yet and i'm in the process of listening to jack off jill as i write this....on track 5 now..hehe. anyway, it's a pretty awesome cd so far. maybe it's good they didn't have the other one. i like this one. i put the lyrics to track 2 up in the intro. hope you guys and gals enjoy them.

well, guess i should quit writing here and work on my project. since we don't have class, the instructor gave us a project to work on....gotta model a human neuron as an electrical circuit and turn in a written report with our research and our model on it. i got three books on the human brain at the library today and found a few websites. now to look through them and find what each part can be translated into an electrical component as (resistors and sources right now...maybe a trasnsistor, but not likely).

i just watched the Star Wars III trailer...pretty cool. go here to see it if ya like. *wiggles in my chair in anticipation of the third one coming out...hopes it doesn't suck like I and II did*
Comments (2) | Permalink

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

   being ignored by the one i love
anyone ever feel like they're being pushed away by someone they care about? that's how i feel right now. rebecca told me a while ago that she'd never leave me and would stay by my side. i believed her...now i'm not so sure. recently, she hasn't been talking to me. i know she said she needs some time alone, which is fine. i understand the need for time alone just as well as anybody...better than most...i've been a loner for at least the past 12 or 13 years...and i like it that way. what i don't understand is that if she doesn't want to talk to anyone, why does she sign onto msn or aim? why not just stay signed off of both? take last night for example...she signed on to msn, then almost immediately set her status to away. what's the point? i know she still talks to people on msn while the away message is up (she's talked to me that way before when there was someone on that she didn't want to know she was there). i can't say for sure if she's there or not, but when i just see her sign on, then set it to away, i know she's there (at least for a minute)...computers don't do that on their own. the thing i don't know is if she talks to anyone else though, or if it's just me she's ignoring. it hurts to be ignored...i don't know why, it's never hurt me before. in fact, i've gotten pretty used to it but to be ignored by the person you love the most is painful. if she's just not there, i guess it's ok...after all, i'll give her space if she wants it...but why can't she just tell me, "i need some space, so don't bother me right now." is that really so hard? know what, i don't even care anymore. if she doesn't wanna talk to me, fine. i'll still be here waiting for her if she ever decides she needs me again, but i don't think i should hold my breath...after all, she has dean for her now. forgive me if i sound a little bitter, but it's hard not to right now. why is it so hard to hold onto the ones we love? even as friends...i thought we could still be friends, but if she's ignoring me, then i don't see how that's possible. i understand she may not want to leave, but she might feel she has to. we've talked about doing things we have to do that we don't want to before. maybe she's decided she has to leave me for some reason. i don't understand why, but if she did, it would be nice to know. guess i'll no longer be the one to initiate a conversation. i'm not going to talk to her at all until she says something. i don't see the point. it's like talking to a wall.

rebecca, i still love you and i miss you terribly. please respond to this and tell me what's going on.

"Gunning Down Romance"

Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
In your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in
Your veins, in your veins
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin

Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that Hallmark cards are true
I really do

I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy

Love don't leave me

Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away

I'm gunning down romance

-Savage Garden
Comments (6) | Permalink

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

new friend
hey guys, go visit my new friend's site...those of you with xanga accounts anyway. her name is fallen_angel_Xx. she's been having a rough time lately, so show her some love...hehe...*looks at what i just said*...not meant to be dirty. other than that, i've really got nothin' except that i love you rebecca. i hope you feel better soon.
Comments (3) | Permalink

Monday, November 1, 2004

my halloween
this morning i finally gotta talk to rebecca for a couple of hours before i went to work. *big smiles* it's been about three days since i last saw her and i missed her a lot. well, then i hadda go to work after we did a little rp. i worked 12:30-9. work was hell for the first half of my shift...hundreds of people trying to buy candy (i was the express lane, so i got 'em all). the people buying not candy went to the other lanes. after my lunch break it was pretty cool though. we were all so laid back and no one cared what was going on. the employees were wandering around the store goofing off eating candy and drinking in our checkstands (neither of which we're allowed to do because it looks unprofessional). i didn't have a single customer come through my line for about 25 minutes at one stretch, so i sat with my feet propped up on the checkstand and started cleaning under my fingernails with my knife. chris (poker buddy) came in and started laughing at me. he's like, "what the fuck are you doing with that big ass knife?"...yes, he's a potty mouth...shame on him...hehe. ah well. i made shoba (i call her shobi...short for shobi-wan-kenobi but she doesn't know that) go on her break a little before i left so she'd be back by nine so i could go home on time. i got outta there around 9:10ish and hadda be careful driving home so i didn't run over any little trick-or-treaters. there weren't many out when i was going home though. it was pretty cold, so i think they gave up early. ah well. i got online as soon as i got home hoping rebecca would be on again, but she wasn't. *sighs* oh well. at least i gotta talk to her this morning.

hope your guys' and gals' halloweens went well. tell me about 'em.

i love you rebecca and i still miss you whenever you're gone.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Sunday, October 31, 2004

football game
well, i just got home from a college football game. university of oregon ducks vs university of washington huskies. i'm not much of a football fan (especially college), but some friends of mine invited me along, and i had nothing better to do, so i went. chris hadda coach a flag football game this morning, so we went to that first, then went straight to the college...hour and a half drive. well, everyone else had tickets in advance (one of their dad's gets free tickets), so they didn't have to worry 'bout 'em. i found a scalper when we got there and got my ticket. i thought the scalpers were pretty brave. they were standing on street corners right next to cops selling the tickets. i always thought scalping tickets was illegal, but my mom just explained it to me. if they're not sold for a profit, it is legal. well, we got to the duck store and stood around waiting for doug to show (he had everyone else's tickets). about 10 minutes before kick-off they were freaking out wondering where he was. chris and doug had been calling back and forth on their cell phones trying to figure out where each other were. well, we finally found doug...he went to the south gate (we were at the west gate). so we got in there and started watching the game. it was cold and rainy for the first quarter, but then it cleared up. it stayed cold, but no more rain. oregon won...don't remember the exact score...34-6 i think...i know washington had 6. oregon's i'm not too sure about. after the game, chris, greg, and nikki went to greg's sister's house to spend the night. i drove home (gotta work sunday). i assume doug went home as well. i got lucky with traffic though. i thought it'd be a nightmare, but it only took dme 2 hours to get home...it's a 1 and a half hour drive in clear traffic. well, that was my day. tell me about yours.

ps. i love you rebecca...and now i miss you too
Comments (5) | Permalink