Saturday, October 30, 2004

all my poetry and a little explanation about each
hey, i don't really have much to say today, so i thought i'd post all the poems i've written so far...for those of you that're newer to my site and missed the first couple of 'em. before anyone wonders, yes every poem i've ever written (outside of a school assignment - those were before i met her) is about rebecca or my own feelings about her, or since she left me. tell me which is your favorite...

this was the first poem i'd ever written. it was back when i first met rebecca. we only had one computer in my parents' room at the time and my mom wanted to go to bed, so she kicked me off. this was about the time when rebecca thought i'd left and forgotten about her. truth is i was busy with school and work for two days and was unable to get on at the same time she was. i also used the time to figure out how i felt for her. i thought i was falling in love, but i needed to make sure i wasn't just feeling protective and fooling myself. i'm sure you guys can figure out which conclusion i came to. while i was gone, she'd gotten a new screen name (my aim was set up so only people on my buddy list could see me), so i had no way to contact her...or so i thought. i thought she'd abandoned me or run away or killed herself. i don't think i'm supposed to go into detail, so suffice it to say when i first met her, she had really low self esteem (still does at times), but i've been working with her for nearly two years, and she's made incredible progress. i'm so proud of her for that. anyway i was so worried sick about her that i couldn't think straight. i didn't think to contact her through neopets (that's how we met). one day i went in there and hadda message from her saying she hadda new sn. i was worried about rebecca and i wanted to help her, but i was forcibly removed from her so while i was angry at my mother for taking me away from any means of contacting her, i wrote this...

"Helpless"

My love
Sweet kitten
So far away
Frightened and alone
So helpless
I need to save you
I’m going insane
Separated from my love
Depressed and afraid
So helpless
I haven’t slept in weeks
Thinking only of her
My sweet kitten
There’s no escape
So helpless
Their beautiful death
Set you free
No longer afraid
No longer helpless

i don't remember when i wrote this next one. i was just trying to find a way to express what i felt about rebecca at the time...

"I Need You"

I need you
I need your touch

your sweet, gentle kiss
to smell your hair
to hold you close and
to look deep into your eyes and say

I love you
I love the way you whisper my name

the way you cling to my waist
the way you comfort me everyday
the way you make me feel
when you look deep into my eyes and say

I love you

i wrote this next poem about the same time i wrote "i need you." it was trying to show what rebecca is to me. of course she's far more to me than i could ever put into words and i hope she realizes that. anyway, here's the poem...

"You Are"

You are

my love
my life
my best friend
my reason for being
my everything

You are

my darling
my fishie
my biggest fan
my reason to go on
my everything

You are

my soulmate
my smile
my sweet kitten
my reason for laughing
my everything

as many of you may know in my dreams, i have large angelic wings. they used to be of the purest white, but when rebecca left me, they were torn off. with her love and darke angel's excellent bandaging skills, they were healed. however, they are now the darkest black imaginable. rebecca says they're still soft when i wrap them around her to protect her from bad dreams and the like. this next poem is about my wings...

"Angel's Wings"

You long to escape
To be free from all this pain and suffering
I will take you away
I will fly you to a place where you can be free
On angel's wings

You long to feel safe
To know that you're loved and protected
I will love you forever
I will keep you safe from the world wrapped
In angel's wings

You long to be accepted
To feel that you're honored and respected
I will honor you always
I will lift you up and support you
With angel's wings

I long to hold you
To make you feel safe and warm
I will protect you forever
I would like to thank you for giving me
My angel's wings

this next poem i think all of you have seen already. it was me trying to figure out what went wrong and why she left...

"Questions"

Where did i go wrong
What should i have done for love
Was it even me

and finally, the last poem i wrote shows what i've been feeling since she left...

"It's Not Her Love"

All alone in this world
Dwelling in my cold, lonely heart
Existing without life

People all around
Tell me that they care
But it's not the same
It's not her love
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Friday, October 29, 2004

i'm sure you can guess who this is for
well, i couldn't think of anything to post and i was informed that i hadda say something, so here's a song for you.

"Shameless"

Well I'm shamemeless when it comes to loving you
I'll do anything you want me to
I'll do anything at all

And I'm standing here for all the world to see
Oh baby that's what's left of me
Don't have very far to fall

You know now I'm not a man who's ever been
Insecure about the world I've been livin' in
I don't break easy I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied

I'm shameless, oh honey I don't have a prayer
Every time I see you standin' there
I go down upon my knees

And I'm changin' swore I'd never compromise
Oh but you convinced me otherwise
I'll do anything you please

You see in all my life I've never found
What I couldn't resist what I couldn't turn down
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew
But I can't walk away from you

I have never let anything have this much control over me
I work too hard to call my life my own
And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly
But it's your world now I can't refuse
I've never had so much to lose
Oh I'm shameless

You know it should be easy for a man who's strong
To say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong
I've never lost anything I've ever missed
But I've never been in love like this

It's out of my hands
I'm shameless, I don't have the power now
I don't want it anyhow
So I got to let it go

Oh I'm shameless, shameless as a man can be
You make a total fool of me
I just wanted you to know

Oh I'm shameless
I just wanted you to know
Oh I'm shameless
Oh I'm down on my knees...shameless

-Garth Brooks
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Thursday, October 28, 2004

random junks today...no depressing crap this time...i know...shock....i'm as surprised as you
thanks KittieOfDoom. i think i like your name for my poem the best. it sums up the feelings i had when i wrote it and ties well with the end of the poem. seems to make it more complete. anyway, for those of you that didn't read her comment...the title of my poem will be, "It's Not Her Love."

at work, i was so exhausted for several hours. ya know how when a little kid gets really tired, they get all hyper? that was me for the last hour of my shift. unfortunately, my job forces me to be confined in a small area so i couldn't run around to get rid of my hyperness...so instead i was singing and talking really really fast to all the customers and laughing at everything. i was like a pot-head...minus the pot...hehe, i couldn't stop laughing at everything. oh yeah, the few times it wasn't busy enough to keep me trapped in one spot and i was able to escape my little hole for a few minutes, i would run back and forth with my arms out like an airplane making whooshing noises. you shoulda seen the looks i was getting from the other employees...dalton had to lean on a checkstand to keep from falling over. jessica was just laughing and trying to concentrate on her job, and rory was sitting in a roller chair rolling back and forth giggling like a little school-girl (rory's a guy by the way...a really big guy).

what was i singing you might ask? someone, anyone, please ask...ok, fine, i'll tell you anyway. remember willy wonka and the chocolate factory...the oompa loompas in particular? well my brother and i re-wrote their song a while ago and i was singing that.

"oompa loompa doompity doo
if you were smart i would listen to you
oompa loompa doompity dee
since you are not, you will listen to me"

hehe...i was also singing

"be kind to your web-footed friends,
for a duck may be somebody's mother
you may think that this is the end
well it is"

when i got home, there was a message from jackie. she finally called me back. she was s'posed to get the number for the hiring office for a shipping company here. i needa new job, so i'm looking into a place called DHL airborne express and UPS...i have a friend who works for UPS and i guess they pay something like $30,000 a year for school...that'd be damn nice to have. i'm still looking around at other places too. it's gonna be hard to find a decent job though. i don't wanna work retail (done that for almost 5 years and i can't stand it), but i don't wanna take much of a paycut if any and the company needs to be flexible enough with hours that i can keep going to school...wish me luck.

well, i also had a song that i posted here a while back by SheDaisy called "come home soon" stuck in my head my entire shift. i kept humming one part in particular..."i know that we're together...even though we're far apart...and i'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck....pressed to my heart." that gave me an idea. see, rebecca gave me one of her dollar coin thingies from her little collection when i went to see her and i think i'm gonna drill a small hole into it. then i'm gonna remove the cross from one of my necklaces and replace it with the coin. that way i can always have it with me close to my heart to remind me of her...like i need anything to remind me of her, but i'm sure you guys know what i mean. that'll also keep my brother or sister from taking it because they needa dollar for something. they don't know that it's worth far more than a dollar to me, so even if they wanted to pay me back for borrowing a buck, there's no way they ever could. *hugs rebecca* thanks for the souvenier kitten...oh wait, i said i wouldn't make any depressing crap in this post, so i'll stop now before i go down this train of thought too far...

*skips off humming* oompa loompa doompity doo...
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

new poem
well, i was trying to write a poem today between classes to show how i felt. i got the beginnings of a few different ones going...several lines, but none of 'em really fit together, so maybe i'll make 'em into several different poems or just say screw it. i did get one little one done though...then i tweaked it and now it's a haiku. here it is...

Questions

Where did i go wrong
What should i have done for love
Was it even me

Edit: just finished one more poem...it still needs a name though. any suggestions?

All alone in this world
Dwelling in my cold, lonely heart
Existing without life

People all around
Tell me that they care
But it's not the same
It's not her love

and a song for you guys that i heard this morning on the radio...i never really paid attention to the meaning of it before, but now as i was listening to it, my stomach tightened up and my heart ached. i just wanna hold her forever...to be with her...as more than a friend...unfortunately, it seems that friends is all we can be right now. she won't let me be any closer. *sighs* anyway, here's the song.

"Paint Me A Birmingham"

He was sitting' there, his brush in hand
Painting' waves as they danced, upon the sand
With every stroke, he brought to life
The deep blue of the ocean, against the morning' sky
I asked him if he only painted ocean scenes
He said for twenty dollars, I'll paint you anything

Could you Paint Me A Birmingham
Make it look just the way I planned
A little house on the edge of town
Porch going' all the way around
Put her there in the front yard swing
Cotton dress make it, early spring
For a while she'll be, mine again
If you can Paint Me A Birmingham

He looked at me, with knowing eyes
Then took a canvas from a bag there by his side
Picked up a brush, and said to me
Son just where in this picture would you like to be
And I said if there's any way you can
Could you paint me back into her arms again?

Could you Paint Me A Birmingham
Make it look just the way I planned
A little house on the edge of town
Porch going' all the way around
Put her there in the front yard swing
Cotton dress make it, early spring
For a while she'll be, mine again
If you can Paint Me A Birmingham

Paint Me A Birmingham
Make it look just the way I planned
A little house on the edge of town
Porch going' all the way around
Put her there in the front yard swing
Cotton dress make it, early spring
For a while she'll be, mine again
If you can Paint Me A Birmingham

Oh paint me a Birmingham

-Tracy Lawrence
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Tuesday, October 26, 2004

*spreads my arms* welcome to the land of the dead. please, make yourselves comfortable
anyone ever wonder why they continue living? i've been doing a lotta thinking lately about that. with all this pain and being unable to see any hope in the future, it's no wonder the suicide rate for 15 - 24 year olds is the highest of any age group. don't get me wrong here, i won't kill myself. i couldn't do that to you guys. i know you care about me and i don't wanna hurt you anymore than seeing me in so much pain does already. it just doesn't seem like i'm living anymore. i'm an empty shell just wandering around the world with no purpose...at least none i can talk about here in the open because there's a certain someone not allowed to know of it. anyway, don't ask what that purpose is or who's not allowed to know because i won't tell you nor will i confirm or deny anything. well other than that one thing, i have no reason for being here. my heart is gone as is my soul. i've become an empty husk.

My Only Love

I never stopped loving you
for a second or even a moment.
I never breathed without you on my lips,
I never smiled without your face on my mind.
Every face I saw was yours..
Since you've gone, I've looked at no other,
your lips as soft as silk, are the only thing left on my lips.
Photos, are vague reminders of our love.
Your smile shows the love you once held for me.
Letters of yours I clutch tightly running my fingers over "I love you"
trying to smile as I remember how much I love you, but all I can do is cry.
I sit here and clutch the things you have given me,
things I should've thrown out, but that I couldn't bear to part with.
Your memories live on in my heart.
Hard to forget your face, your touch.
I sit here and try to remember what happened..
I take my feelings and shove them back in my heart until you are locked away.
I stare at the key in my hand,
and I throw the key away hoping for it to never be found.
Your love is something I'll never get again.
I've lost the key.

ps. i love you rebecca.
Comments (7) | Permalink

Monday, October 25, 2004

new quote for my avatar...think it fits pretty well
well, last night i did one of the hardest things i've ever had to do...i took away several things from mine and rebecca's relationship...kisses, her sitting in my lap, cuddling, holding hands, just about every sign of affection. while i love doing these things with her, and i know she enjoys doing them with me, it just doesn't seem fair to me or dean. it doesn't seem right for her to show me signs of affection and to keep giving me hope that we'll be a couple again and then for her to say, "i don't love you like you want me to." it tears my heart to pieces every time. her actions show me she wants to be with me, but her words are saying something completely different. i don't know what to think, so i'm taking them away for now. those are the things she should be doing with her love anyway. if i were her love, i'd be more than happy to continue doing them, but i'm not, so dean, if you notice a change in her, you know why...i took away those things from her so she could do them with you. it's one of the hardest decisions of my life, and i cried myself to sleep last night because of what i've lost with rebecca. i will still be her best friend and i will watch over her and protect her. i will comfort her in her times of need, and i will do what i can for her, but i just can't do those things anymore. they hurt too badly.

rebecca, you are still the love of my life. i will do anything i can for you or with you. if you ever need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone to comfort you in times of pain, or a safe place to run to, i'm here for you. i love you. *gives her one final kiss and fades away until i'm needed again*

"Pain"

I don't feel the way I've ever felt.
I know.
I'm gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.

Anyone can make what I have built.
And better now
Anyone can find the same white pills.
It takes my pain away.

It's a lie. A kiss with opened eyes.
And she's not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are horrid times.
Oh oh oh
I can't let it bother me.

I never thought I'd walk away from you.
I did.
But it's a false sense of accomplishment.
Everytime I quit

Anyone can see my every flaw.
It isn't hard.
Anyone can say they're above this all.
It takes my pain away.

It's a lie. A kiss with opened eyes.
And she's not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are horrid times.
Oh oh oh
I can't let it bother me.

I can't let it bother me.

It takes my pain away.

It's a lie. A kiss with opened eyes.
And she's not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are horrid times.
Oh oh oh
I can't let it bother me.

-Jimmy Eat World
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dedicated to my kitten


i love you so much rebecca...no matter what happens, i'm here for you. you've given me so much strength and hope. now i'll try to return it to you.
Comments (5) | Permalink

Sunday, October 24, 2004

*points down below*
i posted again kinda late yesterday, so i'm just making this post so it shows that i've updated on your guys' lists, so you can check back and see what i said. i may post again later if i come up with something to say...until then...i leave you with a poem that i wish i had the talent to have written...

"Never Have I Fallen"

Your lips speak soft sweetness
Your touch a cool caress
I am lost in your magic
My heart beats within your chest

I think of you each morning
And dream of you each night
I think of your arms being around me
And cannot express my delight

Never have I fallen
But I am quickly on my way
You hold a heart in your hands
That has never before been given away

- Rex A. Williams -

ps. i love you rebecca
Comments (5) | Permalink

Saturday, October 23, 2004

read your comments on my last post
i'd like to say thanks guys. i actually hadda tear or two in my eye while reading them... especially yours rayea and black pearl. i love you gals too. you're both like my sister...hehe, i've acquired quite a collection of little sisters online...though i guess pearl would be my big sister. i'm glad i mean so much to so many. i just wish i meant more to the one i love the most. i'm sure many of you know that feeling as well...i know for a fact some of you do.

i'd like to give a special thanks to brad, pearl, and rayea. you three have been here for me from the beginning and out of everyone here, i think you're the only ones that truly understand what i'm going through. others may as well, but they haven't really talked to me about it. thanks again, i love you guys. *hugs all around*

as for rebecca...i'll never leave her. i'll be your guardian angel as long as you'll allow me to. i love you more than you can possibly imagine. kitten, i'm proud of you for following your heart and i don't want you to worry about hurting me. i've been doing a lot of thinking about pain lately and i've realized...you've never hurt me. all the pain i've felt with you was my own doing. i overthought and second guessed everything. i knew you still loved dean, and i was worrying myself too much about you loving him more. that worry is what hurt me at the time. now i guess you do love him more, so i have nothing left to worry about...well, i do, but you know what i'm worried about now. i'm not gonna post it here, because i doubt you want everyone knowing about it. anyway, i'll do what i can to keep you safe from what i'm worrying about. i love you, and whether you're allowed to tell me back or not, i know you love me too.

here's another song for you guys. i'm not gonna bother bolding anything, because if i did, i'd have to bold the entire song, because it's all true.

"Cure For The Common Heartache"

This morning I'm aching all over
Can't eat, can't sleep, can't rest
Oh I need to go see a doctor
For this achin down deep in my chest

Is there a cure
For the common Heartache
An unknown prescription
Any loser can take
I'd be the first to become addicted
If there's a cure
For the common heartache

I know right where I got it
This sickness that's got me laid up
I don't have the strength now to fight it
This old condition called love

Is there a cure
For the common Heartache
An unknown prescription
Any loser can take
I'd be the first to become addicted
If there's a cure
For the common heartache

Is there a cure
For the Common Heartache

-Terri Clark
Comments (3) | Permalink

another little part of my heart/hope/whatever died today. i don't know how to explain it, but it died. i didn't know there was enough of my heart left to die. guess i was wrong. sorry darke, sorry kitten...the black spot's not gonna come off for several more years at least. i don't know why i bother sticking around. i try to help people, but it's never enough. as soon as i think i've made some progress with someone, they go right back to the way they were the day before. "i'm happy, now i'm depressed, happy, depressed." god dammit. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm not getting anywhere...in school, work, love, life, anything. nothing's going right. sometimes i think i should just give up. then i look at rebecca's picture and i'm reminded why i live. i'm here to protect her. if it weren't for her i don't know what i would do. even though i feel like i should just give up on life and end this, i can't just give up on her. she is my everything. i love you kitten.

"White Flag"

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

-Dido
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