Friday, October 22, 2004

nothing to say....
...so i decided to follow what a few others were doing and show you my desktop. i don't remember who drew it, but i found the pic on deviantart.


Comments (6) | Permalink

Thursday, October 21, 2004

story time....again
ok, story number two for you guys. i told you it would be about an event that stuck in my life, so here it is. this story also takes place starting when i was 13 years old. i lived on a navy base in southern california (pt mugu - some of you have heard of it). well, my family and i used to attend the chapel there every sunday and one particular story the pastor told stuck with me. here's what he said....

"several years ago, when i'd first become a pastor, i was performing a wedding ceremony. well, at the end of the ceremony, i said, 'let us pray.' now usually when i say that, i mean for you to all bow your heads or otherwise prepare yourself for prayer, then i do the praying. well, this time, before i could say anything, the groom just started talking. here's what he said...'lord, i know i don't deserve her, but i sure am glad i got her.'"

well, after that, he went on to talk about how we don't deserve god's love, but we have it anyway. that's not the point of this story, however. when i heard that prayer, it sort of went over my head at the time...i was 13, i didn't know what love was and i didn't care. but then i met rebecca and i knew i didn't deserve her. i used to whisper that little prayer into her ear every night before i went to sleep. it became even more apparent that i didn't deserve her after i hurt her, but she stayed with me anyway. to this day, i still don't know why. like i said in that story about my heart, i thought it meant she really, truly loved me. oh well, back to what i was saying...i knew i didn't deserve her: that may be why i was so thankful that i "got" her...now, though, i've lost her, so i guess i can no longer whisper that prayer to her. i hope some day in the future there will be someone i can whisper it to...who i will actually "get".
Comments (7) | Permalink

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

storytime
today and tomorrow i'm going to tell you guys a story. today will be a story about my past that may help you understand why i am the way i am. tomorrow will be about an event in my life that's stuck with me ever since i first heard it.

before i start, i'd like to say...good luck cleaning my heart kitten and darke. it ain't gonna happen anytime soon and all the soap in the world isn't going to help.

ok, on to today's story. i was 14 in the 8th grade. i went to a school that was about 90% mexican and they thought it would be fun to pick on me because i'm white. anyway, i was constantly picked on by them, so i needed someone else to pick on to make me feel better about myself. i found that person in A.J. Rosa. he was a short, fat, stupid kid that everyone made fun of. i joined in without a second thought. i figured, he was just the annoying fat kid and since everyone else was doing it, one more wouldn't matter. yes, i was an asshole when i was younger. anyway, one day aj came up to me and told me that he respected me. he said he respected me because i was taller than him, and much smarter than he was. for a second i felt sorry for him and the way i'd treated him. then i looked around and saw all these people looking at me talking to aj. i couldn't be seen as being friendly to him...that would've made my life worse...and back then, all i thought about was myself. i tried justifying it by telling myself i had to think only of myself or i would get beat up everyday. now i realize how wrong that was. well, anyway, back to the story. when i saw them looking at me, i knew i hadda do something, so i knocked his soda out of his hand and pushed him backwards. he fell on the ground. everyone laughed. some even came by and spit on him. well, i moved away several months later, but one of my mom's friends called us and told us that one day aj had put a butcher knife to his throat and threatened to kill himself. while i can never prove that i was responsible, i felt really guilty about it. i mean, sure, many others picked on him...most more than i did, but he didn't look up to them or respect them. i took his admiration, and ground it into the ground under my shoe. after hearing of his attempted suicide, i began looking into myself and exploring why i behaved the way i did. i tore down all the walls and the lies i'd told myself to justify my horrible behaviors. i didn't like what i saw, so i decided to change myself. since that day, i've become the one that will stand up for someone even when no one else will. i befriend those who are outcast from society and the ones that are picked on by others. i have also helped to council many people through their problems and have become a source of strength for many. while this is sometimes hard for me to do, i look forward to it. making others feel better about themselves makes me feel good as well. while i can't say for sure whether it was my self examination that made me this way, or just me maturing as i grew older i can never say for sure. however, i can say for sure that aj at least had a part in my maturing into someone i can live with. i've finally found a purpose in my life and i'd like to thank the short, fat, annoying, stupid kid for it. i doubt he'll ever read this, but i'd like to say thank you A.J. Rosa...thanks for forcing me to examine myself and to change who i was.
Comments (8) | Permalink

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

well, um, not much to say except that my heart is still dead. oh wait, i know...another song for you guys..hope ya like it.

"No Place That Far"

I can't imagine, any greater fear
Then waking up, without you here,
And though the sun, would still shine on,
My whole world, would all be gone,
But not for long,

If I had to run, if I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls,
Always know that I would find a way, to get to where you are,
There's no place that far

It wouldn't matter why we're apart,
Lonely miles or two stubborn hearts
Nothing short of God above
Could turn me away from your love
I need you that much

If I had to run, if I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls,
Always know that I would find a way, to get to where you are,
There's no place that far

If I had to run, if I had to crawl
If I had to swim a hundred rivers, just to climb a thousand walls,
Always know that I would find a way, to get to where you are,
There's no place that far

Baby there's no place that far

-Sara Evans
Comments (5) | Permalink

Monday, October 18, 2004

fuck life

....yup, that's all i have to say at the moment.
Comments (4) | Permalink

delayed post
this is the post i was gonna post a few days ago, but i posted the jokes instead. today, i guess i'm in the mood to post it.

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

i guess today i'll tell you guys a little about my heart. several years ago, i was going out with a girl named natalie. well, after a month or so, she left me to go back to her ex. i'd had suspicions that she'd cheated on me with him, but i've never had proof, so i never worried too much about it. well, when she left me, a little black spot appeared on my heart and it grew until it had consumed all of my heart and i was numb. well, that lasted for a few years until i met rebecca. after just a month or two with her all the black was gone and i could feel again. then after a while, i found out there was someone else...dean. that little black spot came back and i was so worried that i was going to lose rebecca, but she reassured me and said she loved me more and wanted to be with me. that black spot shrunk, but it never quite went away. knowing that she loved him too hurt. she'd talk about him and how perfect he was and it always made me feel inferior. i told her about that one day and she said he was perfect (and i wasn't. she said i was perfect with band-aids). well, every time she'd talk about how great he was and how much she needed him, i could feel that black spot growing more and more. but then, she'd do something to reassure me and make me feel better, like she wanted to be with me and only me. she just loved him as a friend (not her exact words, but that was basically what she led me to believe), and the spot would shrink. then i messed up and broke a promise to her. to this day, i still don't remember promising that, but it's not important if i remember or not. what matters is that i hurt her. i was terrified that i'd lose the best thing in my life, but then she told me that she loved me and would forgive me, and wasn't going to leave me. that gave me hope that maybe her love for me was true and that we'd be together forever. well, turns out, she didn't really forgive me. she tried, but i guess she couldn't. she wasn't able to trust me with a promise and never let me make one to her. after i visited her and she started freaking out about not feeling anything when we kissed, i could feel that blackness growing again. then she left me for him and my heart disappeared...completely consumed by black numbness. every once in a while, some of that blackness will leave when she does something or says something, but the vast majority of the time, i'm wandering around with a black hole in my chest. i gave her my heart. she still has it, but she's gone with it. it doesn't matter, i don't want it back. i have no use for it anyway. yes, it hurt when natalie left me, but i got over that within a day or two. i never gave her all of me. i did that with rebecca, and for a while it felt like she'd given me all of her...except that tiny piece she reserved for dean...that still hurts. i'm not sure what it is. i guess i just believe that if you love someone, you love only them and don't give bits and pieces of your heart away to anyone else. sure, you can love others, but not quite as much. they may hold a piece of your heart...like a sibling or a friend, but not as a lover. i guess the real world doesn't work that way. maybe i should hang out in my fantasy world and not come back here. even now, she can sometimes remove the blackness from my heart, but never all of it. i don't know if there will ever be someone else that can. even if she decides that things aren't working out between her and dean, and she decides that she messed up again and wants to come back to me, i'm sure that blackness will still be there. i'm afraid that i'll get hurt again. i like to hope there is someone that can remove the blackness and you guys will prolly tell me there is, but right now, i just don't care. my heart is locked away and will remain that way for a long long time. sometimes i feel that i'd rather die alone than live with someone else. she is the only one i want to be with...i just wish that i could somehow be the only one she wants to be with...guess that's not gonna happen though. even without dean around, she doesn't want to be with me in the way i want. i hope all this rambling made some kinda sense to you. i'm gonna leave you with another song.

"The One I Want"

Sitting in my room last night
Staring at the mirror
I couldn't find a reason why
I couldn't be near her

'Cause you are the one that started
To make me feel this way
And every night I'm thinking
About the words you'd say

Pictures going through my mind
When we're together
All these long and sleepless nights
Will I ever get better

'Cause you are the one that started
To make me feel this way
And every night I'm thinking
About the words you'd say
'Cause you are the one that i want

Now you know how I feel
This love is forever
You make my life seem so unreal
Will I ever get better?

'Cause you are the one that started
To make me feel this way
And every night I'm thinking
About the words you'd say
'Cause you are the one that i want

-Green Day
Comments (5) | Permalink

Sunday, October 17, 2004

hehe, i watched Denis Leary's No Cure For Cancer again last night...that guy's hilarious. he's one of my favorite comedians...along with george carlin, robin williams, jeff foxworthy, and bill engvall. anyway, my partner and i would like to sing a song from that show with you guys now. ready? got your earplugs? good, here goes...(i especially like the line about parking in handicap spaces.)

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

Naaaah!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
[Spoken]
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why.

Two words. Nuclear fucking weapons, okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - they can have all the Democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake-walk right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs, okay?! John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen. And as soon as we find the cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiple that by 15-million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes...
(Hey)
and Lee Marvin
(Hey)
and Sam Pekinpah
(Hey)
And a case of Whiskey and drive down to Texas...
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E

[Barking]
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Oooh Oooh

[Spoken]
I'm an asshole and proud of it!

Comments (5) | Permalink

Saturday, October 16, 2004

another post today..whee
well, rayea forwarded this to me in an email and i thought i'd share it with you guys. it's s'posed to be about why guys like girls, but i think it explains pretty well why i like rebecca. i especially like 25.

1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
3. How cute they look when they sleep
4. the ease in which they fit into our arms
5. the way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world
6. How cute they are when they eat
7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end makes it all worth while
8. because they are always warm even when its minus 30 out side
9. the way they look good no matter what they wear
10. the way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
11. How cute they are when they argue
12. the way her hand always finds yours
13. the way they smile
14. the way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight
15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later you will be arguing about something
16. the way they kiss when you do something nice for them
17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
18. Actually ... ! ! just the way they kiss you...
19. the way they fall into your arms when they cry
20. then the way they apologize for crying over something that's silly
21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (even though we don't admit it!)
23. the way they say "I miss you"
24. the way you miss them
25. the way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound,you know that your own life is inevitably consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.
Comments (1) | Permalink

well, i had a post all written up to put here, but my mood has changed so i'm not gonna post it. maybe another time. i posted it earlier on my other site if anyone's interested how i was feeling when i wrote it. instead, i'm gonna tell you guys a couple jokes.

WARNING!!! TASTELESS JOKES AHEAD!!! WARNING!!!

if you're easily offended, read no farther











ok, if you're here, i'll assume you're not easily offended. if you are, stop now.















ok, first joke (told to me by a five year old that i doubt understood its meaning): what's the difference between a jew and a brownie?

............



brownies don't scream when you put 'em in an oven.








ok, second joke (told to me by a customr that came through my line at work): i like my women like i like my whiskey....12 years old and mixed up with coke.



again, i warned you that these were tasteless and not for the easily offended, so i expect to see no remarks saying how horrible they are in the comments. i know they're bad...in fact, if my head wasn't so twisted around, i prolly wouldn't have shared them with you now, but *shrugs* oh well.
Comments (11) | Permalink

Friday, October 15, 2004

welcome to my hell
i just wanna say i love you rebecca. no matter what happens, you will always have a place inside my heart and my heart is still yours.

god, being broken and lonely sucks, but being completely numb is kinda fun...bah, who am i kidding? it sucks too. i wanna feel again...something other than pain, loneliness, worry...i wanna be happy again, but i don't remember how.

"Broken"

i wanted you to know i love the way you laugh
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
i keep your photograph i know it serves me well
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'cause i'm broken when i'm open
and i don't feel like i am strong enough
'cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome
and i don't feel light when you're gone away
the worst is over now and we can breathe again
i wanna hold u high and steal your pain
there's so much left to learn & no one left to fight
i wanna hold u high & steal ur pain
'cause im broken when im open
and i dont feel like i am strong enough 'cause im broken when im lonesome
and i dont feel right when you're gone away 'cause im broken when im open
and i dont feel like i am strong enough
'cause im broken when im lonesome
and i dont feel light when you're gone away

-Seether with Amy Lee
Comments (8) | Permalink