Thursday, October 14, 2004

homework, homework, and more homework
that's basically all i've done today. i got up and went to my physics calculations class. we did a worksheet in there (still have no idea how he calculated the tension in one of the ropes...oh well...hopefully i'll figure it out before the test). then i hadda two hour break. i did my physics lab during that. basically it just involved rolling a car along a track with a motion detector and calculating the effects of friction (this class is basically high school physics all over again, but it's a required class to transfer). well, i finished the lab faster than i thought i would (hour and 15 minutes) so then i went to mcdonald's for lunch. after that i sat through my electrical circuits class and learned about delta to y transformations...it's actually kinda cool. can't really explain it though...need diagrams and things (and i doubt most of you are interested anyway). well, then i went to the mall to go shopping for christmas presents. i didn't find quite what i was looking for, but maybe i'll go back tomorrow...maybe some other stores. i got home and talked to some people for a bit, then started my homework. i finished my physics homework and all but 3 problems in circuits (needa ask aaron about those tomorrow). let's see, all totalled, i've been doing homework for the past *looks at watch* six hours or so not counting the break for dinner. i guess that's not too bad. tomorrow i needa work on my circuits lab report and finish those last few problems and study for my physics test friday and my circuits test monday. i'm sure you guys fell asleep during that (boring day, i know), but i really didn't have anything else to write about. here's a song for you guys...it just came on the radio...forgot how much i like it (still have a hard time believing it's cory from slipknot that sings this).

"Bother"

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit


Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit

-Stone Sour

ps. rebecca, i still love you
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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

woohoo, i now have 501 hits..yippee! ok, on to comment response:

number 5: i love science and anything that has to do with science...but when the instructor drones on in a monotone and seems to try his hardest to put us to sleep, it gets tough. by the way, chemistry is my favorite...so many cool things you can do with it...ooo, acid...yum yum, drink up *drinks my beaker*

black pearl: i know hun, i know...at least what you've told me of it. good luck finding your way out. i'm here for ya if you need me.

darkeangel: whoo, i'm not the only one that heard it. i thought i was going crazy for a bit there

super gohan: i think i live about 75% of my life based on decisions outside my influence, and 25% inside...should prolly work on switching that...*gets to work*

sorry, no song to go with this one...i know, i know...you guys are heart broken, aren't you?
Comments (3) | Permalink

well, school was boring again as always. i got up early today to talk to rebecca before i went. when i got to class, it was hard to stay awake in physics, but i somehow managed. then i hadda hour break, so i went to mcdonald's for lunch. apparently they're starting their monopoly game thing again. oh well, i never win anything but a small shake or something. well, then i went back to school to go to my circuits class. we talked about something called a d'Arsonval movement and really old ammeters, voltmeters, and ohmmeters...*hears foghorn...BOOOORRRRIIIINNNNNG* after circuits i went to the library for 30 minutes or so until my bro got out of his health class, then i drove him home...and here i am...still. i finally started my physics homework though (it's due friday). only have 1 or 2 problems left that we haven't covered the topic for yet, so i needa wait to do those...now for circuits (also due friday). we still haven't covered half the topics in the chapter yet...and the test is on monday...bah. oh well.

rebecca showed me this song earlier today (yesterday by this thing's clock). i'm pretty sure i've heard it on the radio before. i can hear the tune in my mind when i read it, so i must have.

"Welcome To My Life "

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

-Simple Plan

ps. rebecca, i still love you.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

dream
well, i figured out what several of the symbols in my dream could mean. now i just gotta put 'em into context with the rest of what's going on in my life and in the dream. thanks to rebecca for finding what one of the symbols meant for me. *pats her back* good job kitten. i've decided that i'll tell you guys the dream only when the first event takes place...if it ever does. this seems like one of those dreams i've had in the past that tells of the future...and yes, about 80% of the ones i've had before have come true. some may still come true, and others i have no way of knowing yet.

"Believe It Or Not"

Believe it or not, everyone, has things that they hide
Believe it or not, everyone, keep most things inside
Believe it or not, everyone, believes in something above
Believe it or not, everyone, needs to feel loved
Feel loved, well we're young and we won't until we figure out
Can someone believe in us, and send some kind of sign
So close to giving up, 'cause faith is so hard to find
But you're young and you won't, until we figure out

Seen it or not, every time, the world turns upside down
Believe it or not, most of us, feel like we're losing ground
Believe it or not, everyone, hated minute fear
Believe it or not, most of us, wanna know why we're here
Why we're here, well we're young and we won't until we figure out
Can someone believe in us, and send some kind of sign
So close to giving up, 'cause faith is so hard to find
Someone believe in us, and send some kind of sign
So close to giving up, 'cause faith is so hard to find
But you're young and you won't, until we figure out

Most of us have nothing to complain about
Most of us have things we can live without
Everyone needs advice on how to get along
You know we won't until we figure out

Believe it or not everyone

Believe it or not, everyone, has things that they hide
Believe it or not, everyone, keep most things inside
Believe it or not, everyone, believes in something above
Believe it or not, everyone, needs to feel loved
Feel loved, well we're young and we won't until we figure out
Can someone believe in us, and send some kind of sign
So close to giving up, 'cause faith is so hard to find
Someone believe in us, and send some kind of sign
So close to giving up, 'cause faith is so hard to find
But you're young and you won't, until we figure out
You're young and you won't, until we figure out

-Nickelback
Comments (5) | Permalink

Monday, October 11, 2004

   recurring dreams....or nightmares...of the future
does anyone know the significance of a recurring dream? why do we have them? i've been having the same dream for a few nights now and each time it gets more graphic and more details are shown, but i don't know much about recurring dreams. i understand some dream symbolism, but there aren't many signs i recognize in this dream. if the dream is like a premonition and it happens over and over, does that mean it's more likely to happen? i'd rather not give away any details of the dream just yet...maybe some day, so please don't ask for those. i just want your opinion on what it recurring may mean.

oh yeah, check out this guy's gallery. he has some pretty good pictures of angels, archangels, and leaf dragons. i wanna leaf dragon for a pet.
Comments (3) | Permalink

nothing to say right now...may post more later
"I Miss You A Little"

Sometimes a song can touch a nerve
That takes me back to you
When I pick up my old guitar
And I play your favorite tune
Every now and then, some little thing
I've buried comes bubblin' up
And once in a while, you feel close enough to touch

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

When I go by our old house
I pretend that you're still there
Waitin' for me on the porch
But there's just an empty chair
Wish I could see you just one more time
Before I drive away
So I could stop and go inside, and say

I miss you a little since you've been gone
A few little memories keep hangin' on
I miss you a little, I guess you could say
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day
A little too much, a little too often
A little more every day

-John Michael Montgomery
Comments (6) | Permalink

Sunday, October 10, 2004

i really have nothing to say today. i'm just updating for the hell of it...as a way to avoid doing my homework..grrr, stupid electrical circuits...so time consuming...i can think of so many better things to do with my life than homework...like have fun. too bad, i can't have much fun right now. i'm too numb. for the past couplea weeks, i've been wandering around like a zombie...unable to feel anything...except pain and tiny tiny amounts of happiness when i'm with her, but even those are quickly replaced by pain and numbness.

well, i guess i do have one thing to talk about. i'm worried. a good friend of mine is upset and wants to die. i'm not going to give any details because i don't know how much she wants anyone else to know...or if any of you that may read this know her or not...odds aren't very high many, if any of you do. anyway, just pray for her, that someone will be there to support her in her time of need.

i'll leave you with one final message taken from mr jerry springer...hehe, i used to watch that show after school about a year or two ago (nothing else on and it was an entertaining bit of mindlessness). anyway, in his final message to the audience, he'd always say the same thing..."take care of yourselves...and each other."

ps. rebecca, i love you
Comments (4) | Permalink

Saturday, October 9, 2004

a post from my xanga account (so some of you may have seen it already)
i just have a few things to say....i love you rebecca. i will always be here for you to support you, listen to you and to help you with any problems you may have.....i'll do anything in my power to keep you safe and happy.....and as long as you'll allow me to, i'll stay right here by your side....even though we're not together, you are still my love. you still have my heart. i love you. no matter what i've done in the past, that has never changed and no matter what happens in the future, you will always be in my heart.
Comments (8) | Permalink

Friday, October 8, 2004

another little piece of me died last night
i feel like i'm being replaced in her life. everything i used to do is now being done by someone else. dean is the one that makes her laugh, blush, and feel loved. brad is the one she confides in and tell everything to, and the one to tuck her in. when i found out someone else was tucking her in, it's like another little piece of me died. i thought it was weird for the past few nights that when she was going to bed, she'd just say night, then leave without waiting for me to say good night back or to tuck her in like she used to. now i know why...she doesn't need me to tuck her in anymore. she has someone else to do it instead. it's not even that tucking her in is that important to me (though i do enjoy doing it). it's the fact that that's one of the very few things i had left from when we were together, and now that's gone too. last night she was tired, so i offered to tuck her in. she said she hadda wait for brad to get back (he was watching tv). i told her i could tell him good night for her if she wanted to go to bed, but she just said she could wait. no explanation why she wanted to wait for him. i just figured it was to say good night. i had no idea she wanted him to tuck her in, but i guess he's been doing it for the past couple of nights now. it hurts not being able to be the one to make her happy and to enjoy the little things with her (like tucking her in), but it hurts even more knowing that she doesn't want me to....and even more than that that she couldn't tell me she didn't want me to. the only reason i even found out was that brad told me. after he got back from watching tv, he said that he hadda tuck her in. he thought it was funny that she wanted him to, but it was also adorable. he just said, "yeah i tuck her in....have been for a few nights....lol not sure if your supposed to know or not..." well, i know now. sometimes i wonder why she keeps me around. it's almost like she's a cat playing with an injured mouse. i only getta stay alive as long as she wants me to, but it seems like she's less and less interested....like she's pushing me away. i understand that she's with dean now, so she can't act exactly the same as she used to, but she's...i don't know.....one minute she seems to want me there, then the next it's almost like she wishes i never came into her life. i don't know why i'm getting upset over something so small as this. maybe because it's another sign that she's pushing me out of her life, that she doesn't want me there anymore.

it reminds me of a story from vietnam. a soldier had been fighting in vietnam for a few years and had seen just about everything. he was a hardened, tough guy, but one day while passing through a village, he saw a child's doll laying near a pile of rubble. he picked it up and just started crying. it's strange how something so small as a doll, or not tucking the one you love into bed can make us cry. yes, that's right...cry. i cried myself to sleep again last night. for several weeks while she was thinking of leaving me and for a week or two after she actually did, i cried myself to sleep. i finally stopped crying myself to sleep about a week ago, but last night i did it again. it would hurt every night going to bed knowing that i wasn't going to be with her in the morning, but i was able to contain my tears. last night, though, they just came pouring out again. i'm sorry to anyone that actually read this whole thing. i know what you're thinking....a post about tucking her into bed and he's crying himself to sleep over it? i know it seems trivial, but all i have left from her are the small things and now even they're being taken away.
Comments (8) | Permalink

*cries myself to sleep*

"I Don't Know You Anymore"

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

-Savage Garden
Comments (4) | Permalink