Thursday, October 7, 2004

   yesterday, i finally got my proof of confirmation of enrollment from the school, so i was able to go to the military base to get my id renewed. when we talked to the people at the base on the phone they said that if i was between the ages of 21 and 23 and still enrolled in college, i could still get my id renewed. well, what they forgot to tell me was i hadda be enrolled full time (12 credits). i have 11 credits this quarter so i couldn't get my id renewed (it's too late to register for any other classes, so i can't pick up another credit). now, since i don't have a military id, i know longer have medical insurance...better hope i don't get sick or injured before next quarter...gonna have to take at least 12 credits every quarter starting with the next one until i'm 23. granted 12 credits isn't much, but with two labs that take 3 to 5 hours each every week, it gets tough. and of course the military won't be leniant and allow me to get one even though i'm one credit away.
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oh lord, please don't let this be me....
"I Hate Everything"

He was sitting there beside me
Throwin' doubles down when he ordered up his third
He looked around, then he looked at me
And said I do believe I oughta have one more.
I hate this bar and I hate to drink,
But on second thought, tonight I think I hate everything.

Then he opened up his billfold and threw a 20 down
And a faded photograph fell out and hit the ground
And I picked it up he said Thank ya bud.
I put it in his hand, He said I probably oughta throw
This one away, 'cause she's the reason I feel this way,
I hate everything.

I hate my job, and I hate my life.
If it werent for my two kids, I'd hate my ex-wife.
I know I should move on and try to start again,
But I just can't get over her leaving me for him.
Then he shook his head and looked down at his ring,
And said I hate everything.

He said, That one bedroom apartment where I get my mail,
Is really not a home, it's more like a jail,
With a swimming pool and a parking lot view. Man, it's just great!

I hate summer, winter, fall, and spring,
Red and yellow, purple, blue and green.
I hate everything.

I hate my job, and I hate my life.
If it werent for my two kids, I'd hate my ex-wife.
I know I should move on and try to start again,
But I just can't get over her leaving me for him.
Then he shook his head and looked down at his ring,
And said I hate everything.

So I pulled out my phone and I called my house
I said Babe, I'm coming home we're gonna work this out.
I paid for his drinks and I told him Thanks!
Thanks for everything...

-George Strait

oh yeah, there's less activity under mt st helens today, but my sister tells me there were earthquakes under mt hood (also a volcano, and a bit closer to me than st helens). i'm not really worried though. i'm not close enough to any volcano to get more than ash. granted that could be annoying, i doubt it's any cause to worry about my life.
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Tuesday, October 5, 2004

well, all right. if you guys really aren't tired of hearing about it, i'll keep talking here. if you are tired of reading about it, don't. you guys are still welcome to read my other journal if you like....but like i said yesterday, if you do, don't talk to me about whatever the people i'm subscribed to are talking about. i don't want to know. i'm doing what i can to regain rebecca's trust and she doesn't want me reading those journals anymore, so i won't and i don't wanna know about it either...yes i know i commented on one yesterday, but i hadda tell dean to get better soon because rebecca needs him.

oh yeah, our little volcano is smoking some more and the lava dome is about 10 feet higher than yesterday. i'm still not worried though. when lava starts pouring down my street, then i'll worry. ash might come down here, but it won't do much damage. it's bad to breathe, but my dad has plenty of those surgical mask thingies we can wear if it's bad...he uses 'em in his shop to stop from breathing saw dust (he's not a surgeon).
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Monday, October 4, 2004

it's recently been brought to my attention that some of you are tired of hearing about my pain. i guess i've even caused at least one of you to become depressed because of it, so from this point forward, i will no longer talk about it here. if i have something to vent or to say that i think may upset some of you, i'll post it on my other journal (the link is on the left for those of you that still care). just do me a favor if you go there. there are three names on the left side that are links to other people's journals. don't read them...and if for some reason you decide you have to, don't tell me about them. i told rebecca i wouldn't read them and i don't want to know what goes on there anymore. good day to you all.

ps. rebecca, i still love you
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Sunday, October 3, 2004

"My Happy Ending"

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

-Avril Lavigne
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two things to talk about
ok, first of all, i'm feeling a little better after a talk i had with rebecca last night. she said, "god matt, i'm just a girl. get over that step of losing me and hold onto what little you have left from me and be my best bestest buddie." well, she's not just a girl. she's my kitten, and i don't know what i'd do without her. i can't just get over losing her either, but i do wanna be her best bestest buddie. if that's the best i can have right now, i guess that's what i'm gonna have to take, but i'm not going to just let go. i can't. after i told her i wanted to die she told me that she loved me and didn't want me to die, but that she wouldn't tell me not to because she knows i want this pain to stop. she said she loves me and knows she's all i ever wanted and that i need her, so that's why she's not going anywhere. she wants to help me. i'm thankful for that at least. even though i can't have her the way i wanted, i still getta be with her...kinda. oh well, as long as she's happy, i think i can get by. i'm not sure why i feel better about that. maybe i've finally just accepted that she's gone and she's not coming back...at least not in the near future, but i'm going to hold onto what i have left of her and hope that someday she changes her mind or her heart or whatever. who knows? it could happen. it did with dean. she said she wanted to be with me, now she wants him. maybe she'll realize that dean isn't what she really wanted and she'll come back. *holds that tiny piece of her heart that i still have and watches it. tucks her away in a safe place where nothing can hurt her* don't worry about this little piece kitten. i'll keep her safe.

i promised two things to talk about, so here's number two....mt st helens started its eruption yesterday around 2ish. actually, it's not even what you could really call an eruption. some smoke came out and there was some earthquake activity underneath the mountain. they evacuated the people off the mountain yesterday too. there's so many people around here freaking out like it's the end of the world and we're all gonna die. the mountain is 45 fucking miles away people! getta grip. this eruption won't be nearly as big as the one in '80 and even then all this area got was a little bit of ash. whooptie freakin' doo. *twirls one finger in the air*
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Saturday, October 2, 2004

i modified the code a little (bolded the parts that are especially true)

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.

Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova,
source:ca80.lehman.cuny.edu/.../
images/fallen_angel.jpg


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

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my pain is nothing compared to your happiness
"You Are"

Baby when I look at you,
You know it breaks my heart in two,
How beautiful you are

Seen you in a million dreams,
now you're finally here with me,
We will never be apart

I wanna hold you forever,
That's all I'll ever need

You are my love, you are my life,
My heart and soul the truest friend I've ever known,
You are my world, all of my dreams,
My fantasy, my reality,
I love everything you are, yes I do

Everytime I close my eyes,
Hit's me so deep inside,
How ill this feelin is,

I'm intoxicated by your touch,
It's a sweet sweet rush,
I'm in love with your kiss,

You're the one that I trust the most,
You changed me,

You are my love, you are my life,
My heart and soul the truest friend I've ever known,
You are my world, all of my dreams,
My fantasy, my reality,
I love everything you are,

You are my love, you are my life,
My heart and soul the truest friend I've ever known,
You are my world, all of my dreams,
My fantasy, my reality,
I love everything you are,
Everything, I love everything, you are

-Jimmy Wayne
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Friday, October 1, 2004

this is all the hope i have left.....
"Austin"

She left without leavin' a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured she'd gone back to Austin
'Cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year before she called him up
Three rings and an answering machine is what she got

If you're callin' 'bout the car I sold it
If this is Tuesday night I'm bowling
If you've got somethin' to sell, you're wastin' your time, I'm not
buyin'
If it's anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you

The telephone fell to the counter
She heard but she couldn't believe
What kind of man would hang on that long
What kind of love that must be
She waited three days, and then she tried again
She didn't know what she'd say,
But she heard three rings and then

If it's Friday night I'm at the ballgame
And first thing Saturday, if it don't rain
I'm headed out to the lake
And I'll be gone, all weekend long
But I'll call you back when I get home
On Sunday afternoon
And P.S. If this is Austin, I still love you

Well, this time she left her number
But not another word
Then she waited by the phone on Sunday evenin'
And this is what he heard

If you're callin' 'bout my heart
It's still yours
I should've listened to it a little more
Then it wouldn't have taken me so long to know where I belong
And by the way, boy, this is no machine you're talkin' to
Can't you tell, this is Austin, and I still love you

I still love you

-Blake Shelton
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Thursday, September 30, 2004

All Alone I Fall To Pieces
i used to be an independent person. i didn't need anyone else to make me happy. somebody would leave me and i'd think, "who cares? they didn't really matter anyway." i think i was fooling myself. they did matter, but i wouldn't admit it. but since rebeca, i can no longer do that. i need her. without her i'm a wreck. my heart is in shambles. i can't even concentrate on small things anymore. i worry abou ther sometimes and i can't help but wonder what she's doing now. when i talk to her, she seems all right for the most part, but i can't tell if she's really all right or if she's just hiding her pain or confusion or whatever so i won't hurt so badly. not so long ago i'd have been able to tell. i felt a connection to her soul and i could feel everything she felt. since that dream i had where my wings were damaged, i can't feel her. i don't know if it's because she's blocked me out or if i'm too afraid to look; afraid of what i might find in her heart. i've been numb for a few days now, so maybe that has something to do with why i can't feel her. my heart's been locked up tight trying to avoid the pain now that she's gone. unfortunately with it locked up tightly, i can hardly even feel joy anymore. when we talk, some of the walls come down just long enough for me to get a glimpse of the happiness we shared and i'm reminded of why i fell in love with her, but then the realization that we're no longer together hits me and i feel a brief bit of pain before all the walls come back. but through it all, i'm still clinging to my last bit of hope that maybe one day she'll realize we are meant to be together and she'll come back and allow me to call her mine once more.

rebecca, you may no longer be mine, but i am still yours. you still hold my heart in the palm of your hand, and though it's been reduced to a cold lump locked away from the world, it's still my heart and it's still yours. i love you

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