Wednesday, September 29, 2004

please listen to this song
everytime i hear this song, a tear comes to my eye, but now it has an even more personal feeling. it's really very beautiful...painful, but beautiful nonetheless.

go here to hear it. don't bother reading the words there. that's some poem that isn't really important. in fact, i haven't even read it.
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

If i am an angel, bandage my scabbed wings
i found that as her personal quote. she has some really nice stock photos i might be able to use as a pose for a picture.

i like that quote it seems to fit me pretty well. i had another dream last night too. i told rebecca about it last night. i was outside my body looking in at myself. a lot of times in my dreams i have huge angelic wings. in this dream though, one of my wings was broken and the other was torn off. i watched myself holding my wing in my lap crying while a bloody stump twitched on my back where my wing used to be attached.

oh yeah, i bought Razorblade Romance by Him today too. i've only hadda chance to listen to 1-4 so far, but it's pretty good. i noticed there's a guy in my electric circuits class that looks just like the guy on the case...except with shorter, blonde hair (i think it's bleached because underneath it's a lot darker). his name is andy.
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Monday, September 27, 2004

death
Edit: heh, i don't know why i'm posting this. it's just gonna make you guys worry about me more. maybe i should delete it.

are you guys familiar with "A Christmas Carol" with scrooge and the ghosts of christmas past, present, and future? well, anyway, i hadda dream similar to that last night. it wasn't christmas or anything. it was what would happen after i killed myself (don't worry, i'm not going to). the ghost showed me my family in tears at my funeral while some guy i don't know was giving a speech about my life. then the ghost took me to where i work and there were some of the people i've been with a while there crying and there was a big poster with my picture on it by the front door with flowers and cards and things around it. finally he took me to a graveyard to rebecca's grave. apparently she felt so guilty about breaking my heart that she killed herself too. that terrified me. i don't want her to hurt anymore. i've caused enough pain for her (unintentionally of course, but apparently i'm incompetant in matters of the heart, so i ended up hurting the person who means the most to me). now it's time for her to be happy. well, anyway, seeing her grave and hearing the story scared me awake. my pillow was soaked with my tears.

then while i was walking to my car from my last class, i started thinking...if i did die somehow in an accident or something, who would tell rebecca? would she just think i quit coming here to talk to her or that i'd done something drastic like kill myself? i hope my brother would think to tell her, but i don't know if he would. well, she might see him online and ask where i was.

"Whiskey Lullaby"

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

-Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss
*points up* this song has been going through my head for about a week now
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well, it's official
last night rebecca decided she no longer wanted to be with me...at least not right now. she did give me just enough hope that she might come back someday, but i have no idea when that someday will be. she still wants to be friends, for which i'm very grateful and she's trying to help me feel better, but i can't stop crying. earlier i was reading the manga i got her for her birthday and i found a little description in there that shows kind of what i'm feeling right now. here it is.....

I only feel like an angel who was sitting on cloud 9, playing my harp without a care in the world, when all of a sudden, my wings were ripped off, sending me plummeting down to hell and the sulfurous abyss of pure misery.

(if you recognize that, please don't say which one it is. she only knows i got her a manga, she doesn't know which one i got).

i think i'm gonna need all your guys' support with this. please don't try to tell me there's other girls out there though. i keep hearing that at work and i can't take it anymore. i don't want any other girl. i need her so much.

"I Need You"

I don't need a lot of things,
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring,
I've always needed something
But I've got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You're my only reason,
You're my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

You're the hope that moves me
To courage again
You're the love that rescues me
When the cold winds rage
And it's so amazing
'Cause that's just how you are
And I can't turn back now
'Cause you've brought me too far

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From Heaven's gate
There's a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

-LeAnn Rimes
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Sunday, September 26, 2004

free will or fate
i was kinda curious which you guys believe in. if god has a plan laid out for us already and we're following down this road, then what's the point in even trying to do anything? there's nothing we can do to change anything. after all, who're we to argue with the almighty? are people really put together based on god's will? is there really a "meant to be" out there or is it just a term we use when we've found someone we can love with all our heart, soul, body, and mind? is it even a real concept or just something our weak human minds came up with long ago to justify why two people are together?

i just thought of a variation on this whole thing. maybe god chose a small group of people we could be with and gave us just enough free will to choose which one we want. i think i like that idea better, but not by much. it still removes most of our choice. i like to think like i'm in charge of my life. however, with the way things have been going lately, i'm beginning to feel as if everything's out of my control.

i still wanna know what you guys believe about fate/free will....especially as it pertains to decisions in love.
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ever have one of those days that just won't end?
i got up this morning and got online and was happy to see rebeeca was there. we talked for a little while, then she just said bye bye and left. she didn't say when she would be back (which she usually does before she leaves), so i thought i'd upset her. i sat in front of my computer waiting for her to come back for about four hours (i was also talking to super gohan. he said she'd been signing on and off a lot during the day, so i was hopeful that she'd come back). after a few hours i wanted to go do something, but what if she came back and i was gone? she never did come back before i hadda go to work. i got to work and the day just dragged on and on and on. it felt like i should've been back from lunch for two hours....but i still had one hour until i even went to lunch. then, when i finally gotta chance to go, i rushed home and found her. apparently that morning her stepdad was pushing her out the door so she didn't have time to say anything but bye (*smiles* i didn't upset her and chase her off). then i went back to work and the day dragged on and on again. i got home from work (an hour early) just in time to see her again before she signed off. at least i gotta say good night to her. tomorrow (today according to this thing) maybe we'll getta talk more....around me doing my homework.
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Saturday, September 25, 2004

well the first week of school is finally over
i can't believe this is only the first week of school and already i can't stand it. my physics class is terrible. we haven't really even started anything. all i can do is sit there and try not to think. in my electric circuits class at least we're doing something, but i'm having a hard time concentrating. i even thought of dropping out, but i figured that'd be a bad idea since i'd have a really hard time getting back into the swing of things after a year or so off and i do needa finish this degree eventually. oh well, maybe things will get better in the coming weeks. i've done one physics lab and one circuits lab. now i just needa answer the questions that go along with it and finish my circuits homework.
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about yesterday
thanks for caring guys. i really appreciate having someone to talk to about this. unfortunately though, it's out of all our hands. now all we can do is wait for her to make up her mind. this song came on the radio when i was driving from school to get lunch. when i pulled into the parking lot, i started crying:

"If You're Gone"

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

-Matchbox 20
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Friday, September 24, 2004

*points at post below*
i hope she doesn't get mad at me for telling you guys about what's going on in our personal lives, but that's how i feel and i hadda get it out. that's what this place is for after all, isn't it?

anyway, to answer Number5's questions. in my mind, i know there are other girls out there, but my heart refuses to believe that. it doesn't want anything to do with any girl but rebecca. that's what the song in that post is about. i believe deep in my heart that we were meant to be together, but now all i can do is sit here and hope and pray until she makes up her mind. i'm gonna use some lines from one of my favorite songs (affirmation by savage garden) to help me answer this.

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

i bolded the lines that mean the most to me there. i have been burned by rebecca, but through it all, i still have a burning desire to be with her. she's shown me far more happiness than anyone i've ever known and i'd like to be able to return that to her. and long ago, i did kinda say goodbye to her (that's when she met dean). it was one of the stupidest things i've ever done in my life, but now that i look back on it, it allows me to appreciate our time together so much more. anyway, this is getting too long. i'll post more some other time if i feel like it.
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   why i'm scared....sorry it's so long, but it hadda be
rebecca already knows everything here (except the end part)...obviously. we've been talking about it for several days now, so this is for the rest of you. it rambles a bit...i've hadda hard time concentrating and the little box is too small to see all of what i wrote up above, so i'm sure i've repeated myself a half dozen times or so. anyway, rebecca read it if you want. i'm sure there's something here i haven't told you (i really can't remember), but you don't have to if you don't want to.

ok, yesterday i wasn't in the mood to talk about this, but today i guess i'll tell you guys why i'm afraid. basically, one can say that there is trouble in paradise. since i went to TN to visit rebecca things have been going downhill. we both loved being with each other, but our first kiss had some unforseen consequences (to me at least). apparently she was looking to feel something and she didn't feel it. she didn't feel anything actually. now she's worrying about what that means and starting to question whether she wants to be with me anymore. she says she still loves me (and i believe her), but she has doubts about whether we were meant to be.

i don't want to lose her. i can't picture my life without her. whenever i try, it takes all my strength not to break down and cry. for the past few nights i've cried myself to sleep and dreamt of her. i'm terrified to lose the only person i've ever really loved. but i do love her, so i'll respect her wishes. if she wants to leave me, i'll try to be strong for her, but i don't know if i'll be able to. it'll take all the strength i have and the support of those around me to help me get through this. if she does decide to stay, i'll be happier than i've been since she chose to be with me the first time, but if she decides she doesn't wanna be with me, i'll needa lotta support from you guys. i have no idea how i'll be able to go back to being just friends and not telling her that i love her every day and night. i don't even wanna think about how it'll feel to see her with someone else. of course i'll try to be strong for her, but i know it'll hurt more than i can imagine right now.

i'm beginning to see why some people become alcoholics. i've thought of going somewhere and drowning my sorrows in a bottle a few times recently (i've never been drunk, but a couple of times, it's been awfully tempting). don't worry, i won't do it, but the thought is tempting.

i'm sorry for the long post, but you guys wanted to know, so there it is.

now it's gonna get even longer (the song wouldn't fit up above). when i first heard this i pictured dean as the guy singing the verses, but over the past few days i've been picturing myself as that guy more and more. well, here it is:

"Dry Your Eyes"

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna fuckin’, just fuckin’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.

-The Streets
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