Saturday, August 28, 2004

my poetry
well, i thought these poems were bad, but luicifers wife, klaha220, and rebecca all seemed to like 'em, so i'm gonna share 'em with the rest of ya. please don't laugh, ok?

this one was the first poem i'd ever written that wasn't assigned as a school project and the first one i'd ever written with any kind of emotion involved:

Helpless

My love
Sweet kitten
So far away
Frightened and alone
So helpless
I need to save you
I’m going insane
Separated from my love
Depressed and afraid
So helpless
I haven’t slept in weeks
Thinking only of her
My sweet kitten
There’s no escape
So helpless
Their beautiful death
Set you free
No longer afraid
No longer helpless

(i was listening to "never again" by nickelback when i wrote that one. i love that song, especially the part that goes:
"father's a name you haven't earned yet
you're just a child with a temper
haven't you heard don't hit a lady?
kickin your ass would be a pleasure")

and well, this was the second one i ever wrote. i wrote it yesterday for my love...rebecca (as if you guys couldn't figure that out on your own)

I Need You

I need you
I need your touch

your sweet, gentle kiss
to smell your hair
to hold you close and
to look deep into your eyes and say

I love you
I love the way you whisper my name

the way you cling to my waist
the way you comfort me everyday
the way you make me feel
when you look deep into my eyes and say

I love you

remember. you promised not to laugh
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Friday, August 27, 2004

just some advice on life
well, i've been reading this book called Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections by Robert Asprin and i'd like to quote a page or two for you guys. don't worry if you don't know who the characters are; it's not important. what matters is the advice Kalvin gives Skeeve. *crosses my fingers and hopes i don't get in trouble for copyright infringement..hehe*

"Ever since we met, you've been talking about right and wrong as if they were absolutes. According to you, things are either right or they're wrong...period. 'Was Aahz right to leave?'...Are you wrong to try to bring him back?...Well, my young friend, life isn't that simple. Not only are you old enough to know that, you'd better learn it before you drive yourself and everyone around you absolutely crazy!"
He began to float back and forth in the air in front of me with his hands clasped behind his back. I supposed it was his equivalent of pacing.
"It's possible for you, or anyone else to not be right and still not be wrong, just as you can be right from a business standpoint, but wrong from a humanitarian viewpoint. The worlds are complex, and people are a hopeless tangle of contradictions. Conditions change not only from situation to situation and person to person, but from moment to moment as well. Trying to kid yourself that there's some master key to what's right and wrong is ridiculous...worse than that, it's dangerous, because you'll always end up feeling incompetent and inadequate when it eludes you."
Even though i was having trouble grasping what he was saying, that last part rang a bell. It described me with uncomfortable accuracy how i felt about myself more often that not! I tried to listen more closely.
"You've got to accept that life is complicated and often frustrating. What's right for you may not be right for Aahz. There are even times when there is no right answer...just the least objectionable of several bad choices. Recognize that, then don't waste time and energy wondering why it is or railing that it's unfair...accept it."
"I...I'll try," I said "but it's not easy."
"Of course it's not easy!" the Djin shot back. "Who ever said it was easy? Nothing's easy. Sometimes it's less difficult than at other times, but it's never easy. Part of your problem is that you keep thinking things should be easy, so you assume the easy way is the right way. Case in point: You knew it would be hard to ask me to stay on after i had fulfilled the contract, so you decided the right thing to do was not to ask...ignoring how hard it would be for you to keep hunting Aahz without me."
"But if it would be easier for me if you stayed..."
"That's right. It's a contradiction," Kalvin grinned. "Confusing, isn't it? Forget right and wrong for a while. What do you want?"

skeeve and i have a lot in common. both look for the easy way out more often than not. it's a good thing there's people like kalvin out there to help us out. for me, it's rebecca, purgatory, and rayea. i give them advice on things (which means i have to go out and learn something), then i try to take my own advice. when i fail, they're there to remind me. thanks gals. i love you....especially you rebecca.
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

i've been working this idea over in my head for the past week or so
i've come up with an idea that i think would make a good manga-style story.

oz is a fallen angel living in the deepest bowels of hell. actually, he's lucifer's top assassin. i know lucifer prolly doesn't really need assassins, but i still like the concept. anyway, over the past few centuries of mindless killing and razing of cities on satan's behalf, oz is getting fed up with it. then one day he meets a young woman and falls in love with her. he's so confused. he's never been in love before, especially with a mortal. eventually lucifer gives oz the order to kill this girl (anastasia). oz refuses because he loves her. lucifer tells him that she is the reincarnation of jesus christ and if she is allowed to live the things prophesied in the book of revelations will come to pass. oz still denies the wishes of his master. oz is no longer allowed to reside with his master and is banished to earth. he soon learns that lucifer has dispatched several other fallen angels and other less desirable things that reside in satan's realm to kill anastasia. he rushes to her side and has to fight off a demon that has already broken into her home. well, he takes her away and defends her from lucifer's minions. it could be an on-going thing (several episodes, or chapters, or whatever manga thingys are called or it could just be a single book). in the meantime oz has to try to figure out if anastasia really is jesus christ or if lucifer lied to him to convince him to kill her. they also explore their love for each other. blah blah blah, and some other story concepts to make it more interesting than just mindless violence throughout the entire thing.

i'm sure you guys can think of some other things to add to this. also, please tell me if this has already been done. i haven't read much manga or seen much anime, so i don't know. i thought it sounded like it could be an interesting concept. i know it's a bit sketchy at the moment, but i don't know if i'll work much more on it though. i like coming up with ideas, but i need some kind of motivation to ever make them become reality. i'm also really not much of a writer and i'm not interested in animating a comic. i might draw oz and/or anastasia, but i don't want to draw them over and over again like i would have to in a comic.

Edit: another idea i had last night was oz and anastasia don't fall in love. anastasia is a five year old orphan and oz takes her in and becomes a father figure to her while still defending her from demons and the like.
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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

ok, sorry 'bout that rant in my last post. i do that sometimes. i take in too much (i'm not very good at venting my emotions) until one day i just break down. it usually takes a lot longer to happen, but this time there's so much stuff that i couldn't contain it any longer. i'm scared, angry, depressed, but at the same time, i'm incredibly happy.

thanks for listening. i love you guys and gals.
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Monday, August 23, 2004

   i don't know what to do anymore.....
lately my life seems to be falling apart. the people i care about seem to be distancing themselves from me more and more. i don't know what it is. if it's something i said or did, but no one seems to care about me anymore. intellectually, i know they do, but emotionally, it doesn't feel like it. some of them tell me they do and it makes me feel a little better (thanks purgatory. you're the bestest little sister ever), and they tell me other people care about me too. i've been becoming more and more numb lately as well. there's a huge hole in my chest where my heart used to be. it doesn't feel like i have a soul anymore. the only feelings i have are my undying love for rebecca and the fear that she's pushing me away. she rarely tells me she loves me anymore (except in response to when i tell her i love her). why can't i just go back to being numb? the song up there right now seems to fit very well. i used to not care about anyone but myself, but since i met rebecca, i've learned how. it's so painful to see the people you love in pain, but you can't do anything about it.

a lot of people i care about are having major problems, and i've been trying to help, but i can't. i feel so helpless. i think i've taken on too much and it's starting to get to me. i'm starting to crack. i don't know what's wrong with me. i just want to try to help everyone at once, but it's tearing me apart. i can't take it anymore. oh my god, i actually have tears in my eyes. this is the first time i've cried since my grandpa died almost 6 years ago (not counting the time i thought i'd lose rebecca).

my depression is coming back too. this time it's much worse than it's ever been. before i just felt left out of things. this time i'm having more and more self-destructive thoughts. i haven't eaten more than a couple of bites a day for the past couple of weeks either. i've lost a little over 10 pounds lately. i didn't tell anyone, because i didn't want them to worry about me, but i can't take it anymore. i need to know that someone still loves me. i keep playing with my knife and pressing it against my skin wondering what it would feel like to just slice deep into my skin down to the bone. it scares me. i've never had thoughts like that before. don't worry about me being suicidal though. i won't kill myself, or try to. i just wonder sometimes....what would it be like? what would the world be like without me in it? would people even notice if i left? i feel so insignificant.

i've finally figured out why people cut themselves. pain. it proves you're still alive, and it's the only thing they have control over anymore...or so it seems. i keep trying to look on the bright side of things, and to tell myself to quit being stupid and paranoid, but i can't help it.
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well, um, i really don't have much to say about anything interesting, so i'll talk about work last night. i was s'posed to work 3 - 9, but they called me at home and asked if i could stay until 11. well, since they cut my hours the night before, i decided it would be a good idea to do it. so i get to work a few minutes early to get a drink and they call me on the intercom to punch in and start checking right away, so i do. the customers were awesome yesterday. no grumpy ones...even when the lines were long. unfortunately, the employees were all cranky. only one showed any appreciation that i was willing to start early and stay late. *mumbles under breath ungrateful bastards...except for jessica* rory was the worst. everytime anyone said anything to him he'd start yelling about some kinda crap like "i'm on break. leave me alone." well, maybe he should tell someone he's going on break so we don't call him to check when the lines get too long. well, after most of the people left, the day got better. the lines got longer, but the customers were still pretty cool about it. it was just me, jessica, and jacob in the store after 9. i was playing with the intercom making it beep over and over. me and jake kept saying stupid shit on the intercom too making jokes about everything. i guess the night wasn't too bad...once we got rid of rory.
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Friday, August 20, 2004

union underground
i've had this cd (the union underground: education in rebellion) for a long time now. i started listening to it again while i was in the car on my trip to spokane and back. anyway, while i was listening to it, i was trying to classify what type of music they are. so far, i've come to the conclusion that they're heavy undergound metal, or something like that. if anyone knows what they actually are, i'd appreciate the information.

everytime i mention that band, whoever i'm talking to has never even heard of 'em. so i was just wondering if any of you have. i highly recommend getting that cd if you like heavy music. my favorite songs are...drivel, south texas death ride, turn me on mr deadman, and killing the fly. also, i'm looking for somewhere to download south texas deathride to put on this site, so if any of you know where i can get it, please let me know. i wanna show you guys what they sound like.
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Thursday, August 19, 2004

i'm back, did ya miss me? .......didnt' think so
well, as you can prolly tell, i survived to make it back to you guys. ok, about my trip. the first day there (mon), we sort of sat around talking a bit about things that've been going on since we saw each other last (booorrrrriiiiing). i went downstairs with my brother and patrick. they played dance dance revolution. i watched. then my sister and julia came in and watched. i thought my brother was good at that game, but patrick kicked his ass. that kid's insane (he's 10 yrs old too). sean (my bro) said it's because he's lower to the ground so he doesn't have to use as much energy to move. patrick scored B or higher on the heavy setting on four of the more difficult songs. then we watched some of the olympics (swimming and men's gymnastics)
they didn't have enough beds for all of us, so i slept in the recliner. i didn't sleep very well though. everytime i rolled over, the chair would fold up on me again. my brother was on the couch-bed thing (it folds out), so the other nights, i took the couch cushions and made a bed on the floor to sleep on.
tuesday morning, we got up about 8am (ick) and sat around waiting for the air conditioner guy to come fix it. after he was done we left for silverwood. we got there about 1pm. we finished at the water part of the park around 3pm (i was ready to leave then. i hadda headache since the night before that wasn't going away), but everyone else wanted to go to the roller coasters and things. i sat around and watched them riding. i went on the white water rafting ride thing though. we left there around 5pm and got dinner at shari's on the way home. at home we played dead or alive beach volleyball for a couple of hours (the things you can do with the camera in that game are pathetic. not very difficult to guess what gender came up with that idea. my brother had fun zooming in on various areas of the girls...hehe). after that we watched the olympics (i think it was swimming and women's team gymnastics).
wednesday morning i was up at 8 again. we went to the seattle seahawks practice. it was kinda fun, but i'd never heard of most of the people there, and i'm not much of a seahawks fan anyway. it was fun to screw around anyway though. patrick got a little seahawk's football thing he brought with him signed by a bunch of the players. julia (cousin), caitlin (sister), and my dad all got some signatures too. we left from the practice and went to some scrapbooking stores mom wanted to go to (booorrrriiiinnnng). then we wandered around the mall. i didn't find anything worth buying though, so i hung around the arcade watching patrick playing. then we went home and watched some more of the olympics (swimming and men's individual all around gymnastics). we also watched a bit of the world poker tour. the guys in that game are crazy....a small bet is more than twice what i made last year.
this morning i got home, took a shower, and got on the computer to wwait for rebecca to get home from wwork or wherever it is she's at. tonight i'll watch the end of the swimming events and the women's individual all around gymnastics thingy.
i'm so tired right now. i'll prolly wind up going to bed early too. that headache i had all week is still there, but not as bad as it was when i left.
(sorry 'bout the long post)
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Monday, August 16, 2004

i leave tomorrow (well today according to this thing's clock) to visit my uncle's family in spokane. i'll be gone until thursday. this is one of those trips i kinda wanna go on, but at the same time i don't. my uncle is the coolest member of my family, so i like hanging out with him and his kids. they're like 11 and 13 now i think. they're fun though...especially patrick. his nickname is bug. i'm not sure why though. julia (his older sister) called the other day to tell us some of the things we'd be doing when we get there. on tuesday we're going to some place called silver wood. it's a water park/theme park thingy just across the border into idaho. then on wednesday we're going to go watch the seattle seahawks practice. who knows, it might be fun. the reason i don't wanna go is because this will be the first time i've had the house to myself for most of a week (not that i'd do much with it, but it's nice to be left alone sometimes). and the other reason (most important one) is i won't getta talk to rebecca for four days. i'll miss you kitten. *big kiss and hug*
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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

just wondering
i don't know why i think things like this though. first is, when i'm wandering around the second or third story of the mall. i wanna just run and jump over the railing and land on someone. my other one is when i'm driving on a two-lane highway, i always think of swerving into the other lane into an oncoming semi truck.

my biggest fear as a kid (this is gonna make me sound like a big wuss, but oh well) was ursula from disney's the little mermaid. i know i've told a few of you that, but i don't remember which ones. anyway, i'd be laying in bed and my arm or foot will hang over the edge. then i'd picture that scene in the movie when ursula gets really huge and attacks the boat. then i'd pull my arm/leg back really quick and press myself against as tight against the wall as i could so her tentacles couldn't reach up and grab me.

anyway, i was just kinda curious what kinds of weird thoughts/fantasies you guys have. and also, what's the stupidest thing you were afraid of as a kid?

oh yeah, visit my other li'l sister's site too. she just joined FaithlessAngel08. hehe, i have like 4 li'l sisters online now.
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