Wednesday, July 14, 2004

i'm bored
*sings* doobie doobie doo. *hears a cat scream and looks out the window* sorry.
yeah, i'm bored. there's nothing to do. i wanna go do something, but i don't wanna go offline 'cause i'm having fun talking with rebecca. god, i wish she was here to do something with. why does time move so slowly when you're in love? i need it to be next summer already.
anyway, *starts twiddling my toes* yes, that's right, my toes. i've already mastered thumb twiddling, so now i'm practicing toe twiddling.
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   cure for insomnia
well guys, i think i finally found a cure. just drink too much caffeine and energy drinks (not that caffeine by itself does anything) about 5 or 6 hours before you're going to go to bed. that way, the rush will wear off at bedtime and you'll sleep real good. best night's sleep i've had in a while. still tired when i got up this morning though. aww well.
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   work
just got off work and all i have to say is....wow. i was hyper when i got there, then i had one of those monster energy drink things (ya know, the ones that are twice the size of a red bull) and two dr. peppers (by the way, dr pepper mixed with monster energy drink is pretty good). anyway, i was so incredibly hyper during most of my shift. i couldn't stop bouncing and shaking and i was talking really really fast and rambling on quite a bit...kinda like i am right now. then about an hour before i got off, the rush wore off and i crashed. i almost fell asleep in my checkstand. hehe. once i got off, i finished the last of my dr pepper from my lunch break (mixed with the remnants of the energy drink) and now i'm a little jittery again. my hands are shaking while i'm writing this. i should go run around the block, but that would mean leaving rebecca. maybe after she goes to bed.....nah, i'll just wait for the rush to wear off, then i'll crash. finally, a cure for insomnia....sugar high.
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

   dream
well, i don't know how much you guys know about dream symbolism, but maybe you know enough to tell me what my dream last night means. here it is:

i'm laying on my back with my arms spread out so i'm in the shape of a cross. there's a red spot on my shirt over my heart and the blood is spreading slowly. while i'm staring at the ceiling, there's blood spreading across it too, but it's moving faster than the blood on my chest.

my best guess as to why i had that dream was because of the amount of pain my heart's been in lately. it felt like it was being torn to pieces.

what i don't understand is why i had that dream last night. i talked with rebecca last night and she seemed to be feeling a little better, so that made me feel better. unless maybe she was just pretending to feel better so i wouldn't hurt anymore and in my dream i somehow knew that. i know she's still in pain, but i'd like to believe that it's less now.
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Monday, July 12, 2004

me, dean, rebecca, and heartache on all sides
ok guys. i think i need to clear some things up here. do not get mad at dean or insult him for any of what's going on. none of it is his fault. i'm going to repost here what i told dean just so you guys can see who the real bad guy is:

if i blame anyone for this whole mess, it's myself. i have nothing against dean, ben, or any of the rest of you. i was so busy with school and work and finals and so many other things that i couldn't get on the computer at the same time she was on to tell her how much i care about her. i only had one computer at the time and the rest of the family was on it during the day, so the only time i could get here was after she'd gone to bed. yes, i know that sounds like an excuse, and i guess it kind of is, but it's also the truth. if only i could've been here at the same time she was this whole thing may not have happened. that's part of the reason i created myotaku account. so i could tell her those things and show her i care about her even when we're not both online.

i was incredibly stupid and i let rebecca think i'd forgotten about her. i could never forget her. i'd like to think i've learned from that mistake and i will do my best to always tell her i love her and to show her as well. i could never forget you kitten. you are my life.
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   i feel better now...no wait, i don't. damn
well, this morning when i woke up i felt like i'd had a huge weight lifted from my chest. after the discussion i had with rebecca last night, i feel much better. i'm not nearly as scared about losing her or anything like that.

when i got off work, i came on hoping to catch her, but she wasn't here, so i wandered around a bit. anyway, what i found upset me a bit. the other guy that's been causing these problems has created an account elsewhere and i was reading his posts. there's a lot of references to other posts he's made or conversations he's had about me and rebecca. i haven't been able to find any links to the other posts or anything and i wasn't there during the conversations (obviously), so i'm just making educated guesses as to what went on there. anyway, the gist from what i can tell about 'em is everyone he knows hates me and wishes i was dead. a quote from one of the comments "....quit thinking about becca and Matt the Asswipe." in all the posts, the guy left out several important details and portrays me like some evil person that came along out of nowhere and stole rebecca from him. what he doesn't seem to realise is i've known her much longer, and been romantically involved with her (at least as well as i can be from way the hell over here) for longer than he's even known she existed. if anyone's trying to steal her from anyone, it's him trying to steal her from me.

sorry if none of this makes any sense to you guys or if i make myself seem petty with this post. it's hard to explain online without seeming that way...at least without taking 3 pages. i just hadda get that off my chest so i would be able to sleep tonight.
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Saturday, July 10, 2004

   random junk
well, i opened today (got to work a little before 6..ick. but i got off early..yay). anyway, right after i got back from lunch, my boss called me into his office (not usually a good sign). so, he tells me about a phone call he got from the corporate office. apparently some customer called the corporate big-wigs and complained (anonymously of course) about me. the funny thing is, when corporate called dave (my boss), they said he was supposed to reprimand me and make sure the behavior doesn't continue, but he's not allowed to tell me who the customer is or give any details about what i did. how am i s'posed to stop doing something if i'm not allowed to know what it is i'm doing? so, he gives me some vague junk. he said this anonymous (read: coward) woman claims i was incredibly rude and that management overheard me, but did nothing. apparently she's pushing to get me fired, but dave says he won't allow that (i love him. he's awesome). there's nothing in my file about me being rude or upsetting customers (even though i do it at least on a bi-weekly basis). he told me, "you have a very dry sense of humor and are very blunt....not that that's a bad thing, but you gotta watch how people may perceive you." well, i already knew that, but i guess it's good to know the boss noticed too (better than him siding with the lady - if that's what you wanna call her - on the phone). i'm usually pretty good at reading people and knowing what i can and can't say around certain ones. sometimes i'm wrong though (this time maybe?). i'm thinking not though...i haven't seen anyone get offended by me in the past few weeks. my guess is she walked in on the tail end of my conversation with someone else and took something i said out of context, or she has no sense of humor at all (i hate people without one. they drive me nuts.) so, yeah, i'm kinda rambling, so i'm gonna change subjects now.

when i woke up this morning (at 3 - i don't know why i did that early, but oh well) i rolled over and something on my back hurt really bad. i reached around and found a giant spider bite. i squished two of the bastards on my wall last night before i went to bed. maybe mommy was getting revenge at me for killing her babies. if it were up to me, i'd bomb this whole damn house (with spider killer, not a bomb bomb). i hate spiders. spiders and heights.....the only thing i'm afraid of (well, i can deal with both, but i avoid them if i can, so i guess they're just mild fears. oh well).

i was talking with a guy i work with and he said he owned all the evangeleon saga (sp?) and he'll loan 'em to me (woohoo?) he says they're very well written. he doesn't really like anime either, so if he says it's all right i'm willing to take his word on it (moreso than you guys that are big fans of the stuff - no offense, but i still can't figure out what the big deal with anime is).

looking back over this post i just realized....i use a lot of parentheses...hehe. and i'm just rambling now, so i'm gonna shut up.
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Friday, July 9, 2004

chainedangel needs help
well guys, i'm not sure how many of you will actually read this (except for chainedangel who i'm sure will). anyway, chainedangel needs your guys' and gals' support. she's going through a lot of stress right now (i'm not going to tell you why. if she wanted you to know, i'm sure she'd post it or tell you in private or something.) anyway, just let her know you guys care about her and that everything will be all right. also, please don't post dozens of comments asking her what's wrong. i'm sure that would just add to the stress. just tell her you care about her and are there for her and you'll keep her in your hearts or whatever else you people do. thank you.
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Tuesday, July 6, 2004

   wow
well, i just watched Vampire Hunter D and all i have to say is WOW!.....was that supposed to be a comedy? i couldn't stop laughing through the whole thing. just a few questions..what is that thing on his hand? after he "died" why was his hand eating dirt? the best part....when the count was explaining to his daughter about his eternal life.."i have lived for almost ten thousand years. do you have any idea what that means? boredom..endless, hideous boredom" (paraphrased). anyway, can't wait to see it on Mystery Science Theater 3000. any of you ever seen that? me and my brother were doing that sort of thing throughout this movie. so great..hehe.
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Monday, July 5, 2004

   well, i rented and watched full metal jacket today. damn, that movie is hilarious. i love the things the drill sergeant says to pile. i like that guy in mail call too. he's great. the movie wasn't quite as good after he died though.
i also rented vampire hunter D. i don't like anime much, but people keep telling me it's good, so i decided to give this one a shot. haven't watched it yet though. i'll let ya know what i think of it after i do. if you have any recommendations of others tell me and i might rent those too. prolly won't buy any though, so i'll have a limited selection (the rental place doesn't have a lot).
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