Monday, August 23, 2004

   i don't know what to do anymore.....
lately my life seems to be falling apart. the people i care about seem to be distancing themselves from me more and more. i don't know what it is. if it's something i said or did, but no one seems to care about me anymore. intellectually, i know they do, but emotionally, it doesn't feel like it. some of them tell me they do and it makes me feel a little better (thanks purgatory. you're the bestest little sister ever), and they tell me other people care about me too. i've been becoming more and more numb lately as well. there's a huge hole in my chest where my heart used to be. it doesn't feel like i have a soul anymore. the only feelings i have are my undying love for rebecca and the fear that she's pushing me away. she rarely tells me she loves me anymore (except in response to when i tell her i love her). why can't i just go back to being numb? the song up there right now seems to fit very well. i used to not care about anyone but myself, but since i met rebecca, i've learned how. it's so painful to see the people you love in pain, but you can't do anything about it.

a lot of people i care about are having major problems, and i've been trying to help, but i can't. i feel so helpless. i think i've taken on too much and it's starting to get to me. i'm starting to crack. i don't know what's wrong with me. i just want to try to help everyone at once, but it's tearing me apart. i can't take it anymore. oh my god, i actually have tears in my eyes. this is the first time i've cried since my grandpa died almost 6 years ago (not counting the time i thought i'd lose rebecca).

my depression is coming back too. this time it's much worse than it's ever been. before i just felt left out of things. this time i'm having more and more self-destructive thoughts. i haven't eaten more than a couple of bites a day for the past couple of weeks either. i've lost a little over 10 pounds lately. i didn't tell anyone, because i didn't want them to worry about me, but i can't take it anymore. i need to know that someone still loves me. i keep playing with my knife and pressing it against my skin wondering what it would feel like to just slice deep into my skin down to the bone. it scares me. i've never had thoughts like that before. don't worry about me being suicidal though. i won't kill myself, or try to. i just wonder sometimes....what would it be like? what would the world be like without me in it? would people even notice if i left? i feel so insignificant.

i've finally figured out why people cut themselves. pain. it proves you're still alive, and it's the only thing they have control over anymore...or so it seems. i keep trying to look on the bright side of things, and to tell myself to quit being stupid and paranoid, but i can't help it.
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