Friday, September 24, 2004

   why i'm scared....sorry it's so long, but it hadda be
rebecca already knows everything here (except the end part)...obviously. we've been talking about it for several days now, so this is for the rest of you. it rambles a bit...i've hadda hard time concentrating and the little box is too small to see all of what i wrote up above, so i'm sure i've repeated myself a half dozen times or so. anyway, rebecca read it if you want. i'm sure there's something here i haven't told you (i really can't remember), but you don't have to if you don't want to.

ok, yesterday i wasn't in the mood to talk about this, but today i guess i'll tell you guys why i'm afraid. basically, one can say that there is trouble in paradise. since i went to TN to visit rebecca things have been going downhill. we both loved being with each other, but our first kiss had some unforseen consequences (to me at least). apparently she was looking to feel something and she didn't feel it. she didn't feel anything actually. now she's worrying about what that means and starting to question whether she wants to be with me anymore. she says she still loves me (and i believe her), but she has doubts about whether we were meant to be.

i don't want to lose her. i can't picture my life without her. whenever i try, it takes all my strength not to break down and cry. for the past few nights i've cried myself to sleep and dreamt of her. i'm terrified to lose the only person i've ever really loved. but i do love her, so i'll respect her wishes. if she wants to leave me, i'll try to be strong for her, but i don't know if i'll be able to. it'll take all the strength i have and the support of those around me to help me get through this. if she does decide to stay, i'll be happier than i've been since she chose to be with me the first time, but if she decides she doesn't wanna be with me, i'll needa lotta support from you guys. i have no idea how i'll be able to go back to being just friends and not telling her that i love her every day and night. i don't even wanna think about how it'll feel to see her with someone else. of course i'll try to be strong for her, but i know it'll hurt more than i can imagine right now.

i'm beginning to see why some people become alcoholics. i've thought of going somewhere and drowning my sorrows in a bottle a few times recently (i've never been drunk, but a couple of times, it's been awfully tempting). don't worry, i won't do it, but the thought is tempting.

i'm sorry for the long post, but you guys wanted to know, so there it is.

now it's gonna get even longer (the song wouldn't fit up above). when i first heard this i pictured dean as the guy singing the verses, but over the past few days i've been picturing myself as that guy more and more. well, here it is:

"Dry Your Eyes"

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna fuckin’, just fuckin’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.

-The Streets
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