Monday, September 27, 2004

death
Edit: heh, i don't know why i'm posting this. it's just gonna make you guys worry about me more. maybe i should delete it.

are you guys familiar with "A Christmas Carol" with scrooge and the ghosts of christmas past, present, and future? well, anyway, i hadda dream similar to that last night. it wasn't christmas or anything. it was what would happen after i killed myself (don't worry, i'm not going to). the ghost showed me my family in tears at my funeral while some guy i don't know was giving a speech about my life. then the ghost took me to where i work and there were some of the people i've been with a while there crying and there was a big poster with my picture on it by the front door with flowers and cards and things around it. finally he took me to a graveyard to rebecca's grave. apparently she felt so guilty about breaking my heart that she killed herself too. that terrified me. i don't want her to hurt anymore. i've caused enough pain for her (unintentionally of course, but apparently i'm incompetant in matters of the heart, so i ended up hurting the person who means the most to me). now it's time for her to be happy. well, anyway, seeing her grave and hearing the story scared me awake. my pillow was soaked with my tears.

then while i was walking to my car from my last class, i started thinking...if i did die somehow in an accident or something, who would tell rebecca? would she just think i quit coming here to talk to her or that i'd done something drastic like kill myself? i hope my brother would think to tell her, but i don't know if he would. well, she might see him online and ask where i was.

"Whiskey Lullaby"

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

-Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss
*points up* this song has been going through my head for about a week now
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