myOtaku.com: DemonMessiah

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1983-09-11
Gender
• Male
Location
• i moved out of the physics lab...now i live at work
Member Since
• 2004-06-27
Occupation
• surviving
Real Name
• matt, chris, amanda, oz

Personal

Achievements
• nothin' all that impressive
Anime Fan Since
• not sure. it's fairly recent though
Favorite Anime
• full metal alchemist is the best i've seen. i also like hellsing, ghost in the shell, big o, trigun, cowboy bebop, samurai champloo
Goals
• scuba dive in the great barrier reef
Hobbies
• texas hold 'em poker, movies
Talents
• does procrastinating count?

myOtaku.com: DemonMessiah

Thursday, September 30, 2004

All Alone I Fall To Pieces
i used to be an independent person. i didn't need anyone else to make me happy. somebody would leave me and i'd think, "who cares? they didn't really matter anyway." i think i was fooling myself. they did matter, but i wouldn't admit it. but since rebeca, i can no longer do that. i need her. without her i'm a wreck. my heart is in shambles. i can't even concentrate on small things anymore. i worry abou ther sometimes and i can't help but wonder what she's doing now. when i talk to her, she seems all right for the most part, but i can't tell if she's really all right or if she's just hiding her pain or confusion or whatever so i won't hurt so badly. not so long ago i'd have been able to tell. i felt a connection to her soul and i could feel everything she felt. since that dream i had where my wings were damaged, i can't feel her. i don't know if it's because she's blocked me out or if i'm too afraid to look; afraid of what i might find in her heart. i've been numb for a few days now, so maybe that has something to do with why i can't feel her. my heart's been locked up tight trying to avoid the pain now that she's gone. unfortunately with it locked up tightly, i can hardly even feel joy anymore. when we talk, some of the walls come down just long enough for me to get a glimpse of the happiness we shared and i'm reminded of why i fell in love with her, but then the realization that we're no longer together hits me and i feel a brief bit of pain before all the walls come back. but through it all, i'm still clinging to my last bit of hope that maybe one day she'll realize we are meant to be together and she'll come back and allow me to call her mine once more.

rebecca, you may no longer be mine, but i am still yours. you still hold my heart in the palm of your hand, and though it's been reduced to a cold lump locked away from the world, it's still my heart and it's still yours. i love you

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