Friday, October 8, 2004

another little piece of me died last night
i feel like i'm being replaced in her life. everything i used to do is now being done by someone else. dean is the one that makes her laugh, blush, and feel loved. brad is the one she confides in and tell everything to, and the one to tuck her in. when i found out someone else was tucking her in, it's like another little piece of me died. i thought it was weird for the past few nights that when she was going to bed, she'd just say night, then leave without waiting for me to say good night back or to tuck her in like she used to. now i know why...she doesn't need me to tuck her in anymore. she has someone else to do it instead. it's not even that tucking her in is that important to me (though i do enjoy doing it). it's the fact that that's one of the very few things i had left from when we were together, and now that's gone too. last night she was tired, so i offered to tuck her in. she said she hadda wait for brad to get back (he was watching tv). i told her i could tell him good night for her if she wanted to go to bed, but she just said she could wait. no explanation why she wanted to wait for him. i just figured it was to say good night. i had no idea she wanted him to tuck her in, but i guess he's been doing it for the past couple of nights now. it hurts not being able to be the one to make her happy and to enjoy the little things with her (like tucking her in), but it hurts even more knowing that she doesn't want me to....and even more than that that she couldn't tell me she didn't want me to. the only reason i even found out was that brad told me. after he got back from watching tv, he said that he hadda tuck her in. he thought it was funny that she wanted him to, but it was also adorable. he just said, "yeah i tuck her in....have been for a few nights....lol not sure if your supposed to know or not..." well, i know now. sometimes i wonder why she keeps me around. it's almost like she's a cat playing with an injured mouse. i only getta stay alive as long as she wants me to, but it seems like she's less and less interested....like she's pushing me away. i understand that she's with dean now, so she can't act exactly the same as she used to, but she's...i don't know.....one minute she seems to want me there, then the next it's almost like she wishes i never came into her life. i don't know why i'm getting upset over something so small as this. maybe because it's another sign that she's pushing me out of her life, that she doesn't want me there anymore.

it reminds me of a story from vietnam. a soldier had been fighting in vietnam for a few years and had seen just about everything. he was a hardened, tough guy, but one day while passing through a village, he saw a child's doll laying near a pile of rubble. he picked it up and just started crying. it's strange how something so small as a doll, or not tucking the one you love into bed can make us cry. yes, that's right...cry. i cried myself to sleep again last night. for several weeks while she was thinking of leaving me and for a week or two after she actually did, i cried myself to sleep. i finally stopped crying myself to sleep about a week ago, but last night i did it again. it would hurt every night going to bed knowing that i wasn't going to be with her in the morning, but i was able to contain my tears. last night, though, they just came pouring out again. i'm sorry to anyone that actually read this whole thing. i know what you're thinking....a post about tucking her into bed and he's crying himself to sleep over it? i know it seems trivial, but all i have left from her are the small things and now even they're being taken away.
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