Monday, October 18, 2004

delayed post
this is the post i was gonna post a few days ago, but i posted the jokes instead. today, i guess i'm in the mood to post it.

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

i guess today i'll tell you guys a little about my heart. several years ago, i was going out with a girl named natalie. well, after a month or so, she left me to go back to her ex. i'd had suspicions that she'd cheated on me with him, but i've never had proof, so i never worried too much about it. well, when she left me, a little black spot appeared on my heart and it grew until it had consumed all of my heart and i was numb. well, that lasted for a few years until i met rebecca. after just a month or two with her all the black was gone and i could feel again. then after a while, i found out there was someone else...dean. that little black spot came back and i was so worried that i was going to lose rebecca, but she reassured me and said she loved me more and wanted to be with me. that black spot shrunk, but it never quite went away. knowing that she loved him too hurt. she'd talk about him and how perfect he was and it always made me feel inferior. i told her about that one day and she said he was perfect (and i wasn't. she said i was perfect with band-aids). well, every time she'd talk about how great he was and how much she needed him, i could feel that black spot growing more and more. but then, she'd do something to reassure me and make me feel better, like she wanted to be with me and only me. she just loved him as a friend (not her exact words, but that was basically what she led me to believe), and the spot would shrink. then i messed up and broke a promise to her. to this day, i still don't remember promising that, but it's not important if i remember or not. what matters is that i hurt her. i was terrified that i'd lose the best thing in my life, but then she told me that she loved me and would forgive me, and wasn't going to leave me. that gave me hope that maybe her love for me was true and that we'd be together forever. well, turns out, she didn't really forgive me. she tried, but i guess she couldn't. she wasn't able to trust me with a promise and never let me make one to her. after i visited her and she started freaking out about not feeling anything when we kissed, i could feel that blackness growing again. then she left me for him and my heart disappeared...completely consumed by black numbness. every once in a while, some of that blackness will leave when she does something or says something, but the vast majority of the time, i'm wandering around with a black hole in my chest. i gave her my heart. she still has it, but she's gone with it. it doesn't matter, i don't want it back. i have no use for it anyway. yes, it hurt when natalie left me, but i got over that within a day or two. i never gave her all of me. i did that with rebecca, and for a while it felt like she'd given me all of her...except that tiny piece she reserved for dean...that still hurts. i'm not sure what it is. i guess i just believe that if you love someone, you love only them and don't give bits and pieces of your heart away to anyone else. sure, you can love others, but not quite as much. they may hold a piece of your heart...like a sibling or a friend, but not as a lover. i guess the real world doesn't work that way. maybe i should hang out in my fantasy world and not come back here. even now, she can sometimes remove the blackness from my heart, but never all of it. i don't know if there will ever be someone else that can. even if she decides that things aren't working out between her and dean, and she decides that she messed up again and wants to come back to me, i'm sure that blackness will still be there. i'm afraid that i'll get hurt again. i like to hope there is someone that can remove the blackness and you guys will prolly tell me there is, but right now, i just don't care. my heart is locked away and will remain that way for a long long time. sometimes i feel that i'd rather die alone than live with someone else. she is the only one i want to be with...i just wish that i could somehow be the only one she wants to be with...guess that's not gonna happen though. even without dean around, she doesn't want to be with me in the way i want. i hope all this rambling made some kinda sense to you. i'm gonna leave you with another song.

"The One I Want"

Sitting in my room last night
Staring at the mirror
I couldn't find a reason why
I couldn't be near her

'Cause you are the one that started
To make me feel this way
And every night I'm thinking
About the words you'd say

Pictures going through my mind
When we're together
All these long and sleepless nights
Will I ever get better

'Cause you are the one that started
To make me feel this way
And every night I'm thinking
About the words you'd say
'Cause you are the one that i want

Now you know how I feel
This love is forever
You make my life seem so unreal
Will I ever get better?

'Cause you are the one that started
To make me feel this way
And every night I'm thinking
About the words you'd say
'Cause you are the one that i want

-Green Day
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