Wednesday, October 20, 2004

storytime
today and tomorrow i'm going to tell you guys a story. today will be a story about my past that may help you understand why i am the way i am. tomorrow will be about an event in my life that's stuck with me ever since i first heard it.

before i start, i'd like to say...good luck cleaning my heart kitten and darke. it ain't gonna happen anytime soon and all the soap in the world isn't going to help.

ok, on to today's story. i was 14 in the 8th grade. i went to a school that was about 90% mexican and they thought it would be fun to pick on me because i'm white. anyway, i was constantly picked on by them, so i needed someone else to pick on to make me feel better about myself. i found that person in A.J. Rosa. he was a short, fat, stupid kid that everyone made fun of. i joined in without a second thought. i figured, he was just the annoying fat kid and since everyone else was doing it, one more wouldn't matter. yes, i was an asshole when i was younger. anyway, one day aj came up to me and told me that he respected me. he said he respected me because i was taller than him, and much smarter than he was. for a second i felt sorry for him and the way i'd treated him. then i looked around and saw all these people looking at me talking to aj. i couldn't be seen as being friendly to him...that would've made my life worse...and back then, all i thought about was myself. i tried justifying it by telling myself i had to think only of myself or i would get beat up everyday. now i realize how wrong that was. well, anyway, back to the story. when i saw them looking at me, i knew i hadda do something, so i knocked his soda out of his hand and pushed him backwards. he fell on the ground. everyone laughed. some even came by and spit on him. well, i moved away several months later, but one of my mom's friends called us and told us that one day aj had put a butcher knife to his throat and threatened to kill himself. while i can never prove that i was responsible, i felt really guilty about it. i mean, sure, many others picked on him...most more than i did, but he didn't look up to them or respect them. i took his admiration, and ground it into the ground under my shoe. after hearing of his attempted suicide, i began looking into myself and exploring why i behaved the way i did. i tore down all the walls and the lies i'd told myself to justify my horrible behaviors. i didn't like what i saw, so i decided to change myself. since that day, i've become the one that will stand up for someone even when no one else will. i befriend those who are outcast from society and the ones that are picked on by others. i have also helped to council many people through their problems and have become a source of strength for many. while this is sometimes hard for me to do, i look forward to it. making others feel better about themselves makes me feel good as well. while i can't say for sure whether it was my self examination that made me this way, or just me maturing as i grew older i can never say for sure. however, i can say for sure that aj at least had a part in my maturing into someone i can live with. i've finally found a purpose in my life and i'd like to thank the short, fat, annoying, stupid kid for it. i doubt he'll ever read this, but i'd like to say thank you A.J. Rosa...thanks for forcing me to examine myself and to change who i was.
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