Wednesday, November 3, 2004

   being ignored by the one i love
anyone ever feel like they're being pushed away by someone they care about? that's how i feel right now. rebecca told me a while ago that she'd never leave me and would stay by my side. i believed her...now i'm not so sure. recently, she hasn't been talking to me. i know she said she needs some time alone, which is fine. i understand the need for time alone just as well as anybody...better than most...i've been a loner for at least the past 12 or 13 years...and i like it that way. what i don't understand is that if she doesn't want to talk to anyone, why does she sign onto msn or aim? why not just stay signed off of both? take last night for example...she signed on to msn, then almost immediately set her status to away. what's the point? i know she still talks to people on msn while the away message is up (she's talked to me that way before when there was someone on that she didn't want to know she was there). i can't say for sure if she's there or not, but when i just see her sign on, then set it to away, i know she's there (at least for a minute)...computers don't do that on their own. the thing i don't know is if she talks to anyone else though, or if it's just me she's ignoring. it hurts to be ignored...i don't know why, it's never hurt me before. in fact, i've gotten pretty used to it but to be ignored by the person you love the most is painful. if she's just not there, i guess it's ok...after all, i'll give her space if she wants it...but why can't she just tell me, "i need some space, so don't bother me right now." is that really so hard? know what, i don't even care anymore. if she doesn't wanna talk to me, fine. i'll still be here waiting for her if she ever decides she needs me again, but i don't think i should hold my breath...after all, she has dean for her now. forgive me if i sound a little bitter, but it's hard not to right now. why is it so hard to hold onto the ones we love? even as friends...i thought we could still be friends, but if she's ignoring me, then i don't see how that's possible. i understand she may not want to leave, but she might feel she has to. we've talked about doing things we have to do that we don't want to before. maybe she's decided she has to leave me for some reason. i don't understand why, but if she did, it would be nice to know. guess i'll no longer be the one to initiate a conversation. i'm not going to talk to her at all until she says something. i don't see the point. it's like talking to a wall.

rebecca, i still love you and i miss you terribly. please respond to this and tell me what's going on.

"Gunning Down Romance"

Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
In your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in
Your veins, in your veins
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin

Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that Hallmark cards are true
I really do

I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy

Love don't leave me

Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away

I'm gunning down romance

-Savage Garden
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