myOtaku.com: DemonMessiah

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1983-09-11
Gender
• Male
Location
• i moved out of the physics lab...now i live at work
Member Since
• 2004-06-27
Occupation
• surviving
Real Name
• matt, chris, amanda, oz

Personal

Achievements
• nothin' all that impressive
Anime Fan Since
• not sure. it's fairly recent though
Favorite Anime
• full metal alchemist is the best i've seen. i also like hellsing, ghost in the shell, big o, trigun, cowboy bebop, samurai champloo
Goals
• scuba dive in the great barrier reef
Hobbies
• texas hold 'em poker, movies
Talents
• does procrastinating count?

myOtaku.com: DemonMessiah

Friday, December 31, 2004

i was watching dogma the other day (one of the greatest movies ever by the way). well, the scene with bethany and bartleby talking on the train really caught my attention. here's what they said:

Bart: I was uh dumped once.
Beth: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, why was i so easy to cast aside?
Bart: You wonder if the other party's gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Beth: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bart: When actually, it hurts more.
Beth: You know what we need?
Bart: What do we need?
Beth: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.

well, it's been about three months now since she left me, and the pain of no longer being with her still hasn't subsided. if anything, it's worse. she still has all of my heart and all of my love. right now she seems undecided about what to do with it. she likes it when i'm around, and loves hanging out with me, and sometimes it feels like she wants more. unfortunately, she's unable to say it. i don't know for certain if she wants to be with me or not (it does seem like it a lot of the time), but i hope she does. and if she does, i hope and pray she's able to get over the fear of hurting me again. i'm not in pain anymore from anything she's ever done. all that hurts me now is her indecision. i'd like an answer, but there's no way i can push her. i can't do that to her. she'll give me an answer in her own time. until then, i'll wait here for her. i'm terrified that she'll tell me i'm wrong and she really has no feelings for me, but at the same time, if that's the way she feels, i think it's something i deserve to know.

Later that day: i called and finally got ahold of her. she says she's doing ok, and is making it through. as long as she's all right, i guess i'll be fine. i still wish she coulda come down here (i know she wishes the same), but at least she's ok there.
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