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Wednesday, February 2, 2005


anyone ever see the james bond movie, the world is not enough? well, there's one line in there that seems to sum up the way i've felt lately..."what's the point in living if you can't feel alive?" i haven't felt alive for four months now...that's how long it's been since she left me and nothing's gone right since. is there something wrong with me? i love her more than anyone or anything i've ever loved before, yet i mean absolutely nothing to her. i know i can't force her to love me and i don't want to. i just wish i meant something to her. i can't even be nice to her anymore without her getting pissed off at me. for example, today i told her that if she ever needed anyone to talk to about anything that i would be here for her and i was never going to leave her...how does she respond? she gets all pissy about it and thinks i want her to come running to me and sit in my lap and let me hold her. god, i can't even say i'll be here for someone without being misunderstood and yelled at. what's the point in going on if the only person you love can't stand you. i keep getting the feeling that she hates me but is too nice to say it. the only time she's shown any amount of care for me since she left was when i went to pick her up from her dad's and she was crying because they wouldn't let her go...i get the feeling that had nothing to do with wanting to be with me though. she was more interested in meeting my family and getting away from hers. why do i love her so much? why do i even bother trying to be nice to her or show that i care and that i'm here for her if she needs someone? all that happens when i do is my heart gets torn out over and over again and thrown in the dirt and stomped on. i can't just leave though. for some reason, despite all the pain i've endured, i still love her with all that i am. i don't know how i'll continue without her. i used to be a more independent person, but i can't do that anymore. i need her. she's everything to me. what's wrong with me?

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase


When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase


When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me


-Evanescence

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