Sunday, April 10, 2005

Loneliness..
I find myself longing for someone to talk to more than ever today. Someone who can be close but won't cause me to run away... or even worse, I cause them to run away.. Wish there was a solution, but every time I think someone's here for me they disappear. I'm always alone and it's really taking a toll right now. I wish just talking was enough though... I begin to think nothing is enough anymore. It's all just an endless void that begs to be filled, but if it's endless, it won't ever be even half filled. I think I'll go cry for a while ...

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Saturday, April 9, 2005

Oh God..
I know I already posted for today but I'm about to cry. Our neighbor, Carl, the nicest guy in the history of the world, had to go to the hospital yesterday evening because his stomach was swolen [sp?] and they did a catscan on him and they think he has colon cancer. He's in intensive care but they don't think he'll make it... God I don't want him to die. He can't die. He's the greatest guy ever and and he's gone through so much, he can't go now. He's had his horse barn burn down and kill like 7 of his horses and his wife pass away and his daughter has so many problems and.. I don't know. Maybe it'd be better if he did go... I mean. Especially with all that, is life really worth living? I know I'd cry if he passed away. It isn't fair!

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Taking a nose dive...
Somehow I managed to sleep only roughly 3 hours last night. It seems everything is spiraling in a downward direction. If it's not my mood, it's my sleep hours. I'm not even gonna bother hoping I'll sleep more in the future, just because I'm nearing the end of the teen years so things are supposed to start getting better now. Well, they're only getting worse.
So I got that easel from grandma, I'd love to go out to the park with a canvas and my paints and paint what I see... Like in the movies and books and everything that isn't real! I'm such a hopeless romantic sometimes, it makes me sick. It'd be a good way to enjoy the weather but.. I'd never be allowed to go to the park alone. I'm so chained up... Even if it's meant for my own good, it certainly isn't doing me any good. I begin to worry that when I finally get to go out into the world, I'll be sitting in my little corner shaking like a leaf. Hell, I'm 17 and I'm afraid to even date [that's pretty pathetic...] and go out to prom and things like that. There has to be something wrong with that... I'm trying real hard to make peace with myself though, and accept my oddball personality for all it's worth [which I usually feel is nothing...] but I keep fighting with myself. It's a battle no one can intervene in because it's not only internal, but so internally deep, it's so far beyond reach somewhere in that dark void of a being I am... Yet it feels so close to the surface, I can suffer physical pain from it. It's so wierd... Why am I so wierd? I'm always seeing these animé shows with these misunderstood characters and sometimes I feel like I'm staring at my own reflection, but at the same time.. there so many people who say they feel the same way even when you watch them and ask them how that could be. Am I just one of those people who thinks they feel that way? Or can I truly identify with those characters? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. If only answers were easier to get, I wouldn't have to go in circles asking myself, over and over and over again. But, that'd be too easy wouldn't it....
PS: Ok I got the background on there and I got the properties fixed as well. Thanks for the help, guys.

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Friday, April 8, 2005

Hello, I'm the lie.. living for you so you can hide... don't cry..
Getting up in the mornings is becoming the hardest part of my day. The only reason I got up this morning was because of physical pain. My stomach was hurting [and I still don't know why] and the skin on my face is so dry, I can't yawn without grimacing in pain. I basically fall out of bed. I thought things were supposed to get better from here...
While I was at grandma's house, I had a lot of time to think.. well, I always have a lot of time to think, but it provoked me to discuss with Ichi [my alter ego, who I named from the quiz I think is on display down below] other topics. Because Ben is going out with Hannah and... grandma [both of them, great grandma and just grandma] asked about her and how she was doing and.. such. In short, I came to the conclusion I'll never have a boyfriend. Even though I'm 17, I don't feel that I'm ready. I think I'm... insecure. How can I ever ask someone else to love me when I'll never learn to love myself? It would be unfair to ask of anyone. That, and I can't imagine anyone could love me anyway. I have too many problems, I don't think I'd be high-maintenance but, there's too much the other person would have to learn to deal with. It's like everything with me is wrong. I always pondered about the whole getting married ordeal after playing Harvest Moon. It's like .. the character never really changes. In A Wonderful Life, I got married to Nami [who.. reminds me of me really] and she still does the same things. She'll wander off in the middle of the day without you ever knowing. Sometimes she won't return til after you've already gone to bed. It doesn't bother me, but I'd be the same way if I got married. I don't think I could change for someone to adjust to being so committed. Not that I don't want to commit, I just don't know. I wish I could put it into words... Lastly, while sex shouldn't be part of a relationship [in my opinion--at least until after marriage], it always is. Without sex I don't think any guy would care to stick around just because, not necessarily that he's shallow or anything but... it's just human nature. That's how we were made to function. I have this irrational fear of sex. But even though admitting it's irrational, it doesn't make me any less afraid of it. I think it stems from being told sex is wrong. All I can ever remember being told by Cim [who was in charge of me and telling me how to go about my love life, Pim was the one who talked to Ben about it] is that sex is bad and it's like that's all she ever said about it. Maybe she didn't, but the way she treated it made it sound like a bad thing. I'd always carry around the heaviest bag of guilt you'd ever see if I even dared to go down that road with anyone. Surly, that does anything but help my irrational fear. So, with relationships out of the picture, I'm pretty much doomed to live the loneliest life in the universe... not that I wasn't doomed to do so from the very beginning. I think I'm jynxed or something.. I was jynxed at birth. Or something ... It doesn't bother me most of the time, but sometimes it eats away at me like starving dogs to a slice of meat. Or something like that..

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Thursday, April 7, 2005

I've been alone for so long, I forget how to be around people anymore.
Well. Pim totally went off on me during dinner. "You have the worst disposition I've ever seen." "No wonder nobody wants to be around you." "You always look so damn miserable, do you just like being miserable?!" That's what he said ... All I have is my thoughts of Bakura. He's all I have. Pim wants to make me go to church, he says I'm too inward and I need somebody to talk to about things more. I argued I get out a lot more than I used to... but people don't change, and that rule applies to me as well. I'll never change. I'll always be the miserable loner, who seems like she has all the friends in the world, just such a happy person ... Then when people try to see beyond that, they see the screwed up side of me. Then they know it's all a facade. What can I do with a facade? Nothing. Just keep showing it. Why wear my misery on my sleeve? Why show everyone I cry? Every night. Every day of my life. All I know is how to be sad. I forget ... what's it like to really be happy? Was I ever actually happy? Wouldn't I be better off dead? Why do I keep hoping that the grass will be greener on the other side, after all the hills I've traveled across, only to find they're all the same? Why do I keep wishing and hoping for that? Things never change. People never change. I won't ever change. Life won't ever change ...

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Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Fatal Attachment
Thanks a ton for the tips, I will make good of them .. both. ..... Anyway. My attachment to Bakura has proven extremely fatal. It's like because I lack someone real to attach to, I've attached myself to him and given him all my love and everything I have and such, cause as far as I'm concerned he's real, even if only in my head, he's still real. Somebody sent me a link of some artwork and there was one pic that was hinting at Bakura x Malik and wow, I got so extremely jealous and upset, I was grumpy for an hour til I could get over it and forget about it. It's always like that... If somebody says "Oh I love Bakura" or whatever, it gets me in such an emotional upheavel I might as well kill myself over him. It's obsessive. What can I do about it though? I have no one else to attach myself to, and I need somewhere to redirect my feelings besides turn them into self-destructive emotions that make me go psycho and suicidal. God! Why does it have to be complicated!?
PS: Please be gentle with my emotions. This is the ultimate weakpoint of my innermost well-being. Handle it with care.

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Sunday, April 3, 2005

Secretive
I lied. I don't think I'm gonna switch accounts, just because I've made myself at home here. Even though I wish this certain person [Ben..] would stop reading my diary, it's public enough anyway I guess. I'm gonna change my layout though. Hey, can somebody tell me how to make your background show up, cause I can't get it to work ...

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Thursday, March 31, 2005

Crap..
Just when I thought I was well enough to go to school, another factor comes into play and Cim says I should stay home. Man! I need someone to pick up my work at least.. Maybe Ben will. [sigh] I was so ready to go again too...

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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Trying to be optimistic ...
I went to the doctor today. Luckily, all symptoms have passed except for the nauscia and .. something... else. And I got some medicine for that. I should be able to go to school tomorrow [and I am so relieved. I actually miss school *heh* and I have a week of spring break to make up the work so that's an even bigger relief] but I worry that the medicine will make me drowsy... cause it's a side effect. And being drowsy during school almost defeats the purpose.
I guess I'm at a loss of what to do with myself. I feel like there's something I should do, that I could do, but can't put my finger on what it is. I don't know. I'm not looking forward to going to grandma's on Monday. With my luck, I'll go down there and catch something else. I always come back feeling like shit. I despise going there. Maybe Pim'll let me stay to get my make up work done. Or maybe he'll be an ass and say I can do it there, well no I can't, there too many distractions down there. Not that anything interesting happens down there but the atmosphere is all wrong for doing homework [or anything for that matter]. To make matters worse, it's warm enough that wasps are out and grandma always has a plentiful supply of wasp infestation. They even get in her house and it's ridiculous. I swear I'm gonna go everything I can to get out of this. I'm not staying down there for several days. If we were only going for one day that would be one thing but no we're talking a handful of days. With all the crap I have to pack you'd think I'd be staying a month [well hey, I gotta bring with me all my medicine, all my skin care crap, extra clothes, stuff to do so I don't get bored out of my fucking mind and all my school crap]. Why do I have to be bugged when I'm still half-sick anyway? I guess Pim doesn't put any consideration into that. I should stop ranting. It isn't doing me any good. Just making the water boil over.
I had a revelation yesterday! [If only you could feel the mood swing that just occurred.] I've been talking to Cim about the theory that women tend to attract the same type of men that they were raised with, my personal experience would be that of the father figure, right? Well, this could be said true for Cim. Pim and Opa were a lot alike. Hot-tempered, could be violent... well, that's the most common traits I can think of. Oh yes, they yelled a lot and both were very big headed, egomaniacs perhaps. I rarely saw this side of Opa cause I was his grandkid, but Cim's seen it. I'm determined to break the mold though.
Ok well now that Cim came in and totally pissed me off I'm not even gonna go on. Maybe some other time I'll talk about my unimportant observances and the likelihood that theories can be disproven and shit. Not like anybody cares.

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Monday, March 28, 2005

Suckiness.
So I was up all night, vomitting. I lost basically everything I ate yesterday. Today I couldn't get anything to stay down and got a 103* fever and started getting dillussional. That was fun. For dinner I'm finally trying to put something in my stomach, even though all it is is broth [sp?]. Yum. It's better than nothing though. I've been without food for almost 24 hours, and I still haven't had any solid food but I'm working my way to it. I have a feeling tonight's gonna be a long night. Last night was, the longest I went without vomitting was an hour and a half or so. It kind of scared me cause even after there was nothing left to get rid of, my body kept forcing stuff up. I thought it was trying to kill me or something. I got like no sleep so I slept a lot during the day today. Not enough to catch up on what I missed but maybe tonight I can sleep more if my fever doesn't come back. Oh fun.

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