Thursday, September 30, 2004

   50 Questions ... oh goodie..
1. List in order, your top 5 most desired super-human powers:
Invisibility, flying, magic casting, elemental powers and ... Uh.. super speed ?
2. What do you like best about yourself, emotionally?:
[arches an eyebrow] ... ah.. my apathy?
3. What do you like best about yourself, physically?:
... hm. [ponder] maybe... my... eyes.... or lips.
4. Do you bathe in the mornings?:
Every morning.
5. Do you bathe in the evenings?:
Every evening.
6. How many times, in a week, would you say you've washed yourself?:
In a week? 14 times.
7. Do you flex in the mirror?:
Tch, no.
8. Do other people find you attractive?:
Guess you'd have to ask other people.
9. Do you find yourself attractive?:
Not particularly.
10. List 5 things you hate about yourself:
Gosh, where do I begin? Uhm.. my apathy can get irritating... my millions of physical problems [lactose intolerance, allergies, ect.] ... um. Hm.. being too picky... Being too serious sometimes... and.. my hair. It's too thick ? [shrug]
11. List 10 things you like about yourself:
Uh ... uhhh.. hmm... my intelligence//cleverness, my seriousness, my introvertedness.. my... taste.. my interests... my talents.. my wisdom.... my creativity.. my rebelliousness and my oddities.
12. List 5 people you care about online:
People I care about ? Online ? ..... Kamiko, I guess. She's really the only person I talk to.
13. List 5 people you care about in real life:
[raises an eyebrow] ... Can't really think of anyone I care about in real life. Everyone's just sort of ... there.
14. Overall, do you love yourself?:
I don't love myself but I don't hate myself either. I'm indifferent.
15. Are you more happy, than not?:
Indifferent.
16. Have you ever been hit before?:
Hit ? ... Yeah. Pim likes to punch me in the shoulder.
17. Where were you hit?:
Plenty of places.
18. By what?:
Pim's fist?
19. Did it hurt?:
Kinda.
20. Is the glass half-empty or half-full?:
Half-empty, because you measure the fullness of your glass from the bottom up.
21. In what color do you see the world?:
Uh ... tch. I dunno.
22. Why?:
Cause that's the way it is.
23. How often do you swear?:
Not often, really. Online more often than offline.
24. How often do you swear at other people?:
Never.
25. How does this make you feel?:
....Indifferent..?
26. Are you on some kind of medication?:
Yes.
27. Do you think you need it?:
Yeah, probably.
28. Right now, who/what do you feel like hugging?:
Nothing, I don't like hugs.
29. Name 3 songs you'd listen to right now:
Linkin Park - Faint, Final Fantasy VI - Aria Di Mezzo Carattere, Die Entfuhrung aus dem Serail - Duet: Meinetwegen Sollst du Sterben!
30. List 3 people who's voices you'd like to hear right now:
Ah. No one's really.
31. What is your favorite noise?:
The sound of the wind, the rain, or a thunderstorm.
32. What is your favorite word?:
....Don't really have one.
33. What is your favorite color?:
Purple or lilac, I guess.
34. What is your least favorite noise?:
Really loud, chaotic noises or the sound of little kids//babies crying.
35. Least favorite word?:
Don't have one.
36. Least favorite color?:
...Uhm, I.. don't have one ?
37. Do you value your friends?:
I don't consider anyone I know a friend so I can't really answer that.
38. Do you value your family?:
Mmm.. not really.
39. Do you value your stuff?:
Some of it.
40. Do you self-mutilate?:
Sometimes.
41. Do other people mutilate you?:
No.
42. Have you ever been beaten up before?:
Not really.
43. Have you ever beaten anyone else up before?:
No.
44. What's your favorite animal?:
Dogs, dolphins, horses... I dunno. I guess.
45. What's your favorite desert?:
Peach coblar, cookies and cream ice cream, chocolate chip cookies...
46. How old are you... mentally?:
Probably older than I am physically.
47. What's your favorite "smiley face"?:
I don't really like smiley faces.
48. People most often refer to you as:
"Little Meeks" or.. just Rebekka.
49. What is your favorite quote?:
Look at the top of the page and you'll find out.
50. What will you do now??:
Go to bed.

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   Wow.. I did it.
Today was the first day I ate meat since February or so. I figured out why I lost the inspiration to be a vegetarian. Patrick is too outspoken and pushy about being a vegetarian now, and being an Aquarius, I hate people trying to push their beliefs on me, so I rebel. And that's what I did. I rebelled. Besides, with the medicine I'm taking and my very limited intake of food, I need something to get nutrients from. I can't eat that much dairy unless I wanna ingest 6 lactose pills a day [yeah right].
Aahh, life is tough sometimes.. No, it's tough always. I never get a break, it seems. Everything, every little thing, becomes a chore, and I eventually get emotionally ill because of it. Being caged up is not good for any Aquarian, and that's exactly what I am, caged up. By everything. By my parents, by my health, by myself even ! I can't run away from any of it, not even from myself. Which is the worst part because, well, I have to live with myself [haha, that sucks the most]. Once I get to Texas though, it'll all change. I'll be living by myself, alone, finally. Free to go out when I want and free of the pressure I feel, because as soon as I'm gone, I refuse to allow my parents to have any authority over me. Not to say I'm gonna go do wreckless, stupid things, I'm far too cautious for that, which is why I don't understand why I'm held on such a tight leash all the time, it practically chokes me. I've made it this far, surely I can make it less than a year and a half longer.
Speaking of which, senior pictures are this summer. I don't want senior pictures... I hate pictures. What's worse is buying the pictures. The only people getting any are those who my parents send them to [because I don't get a say in it]. Typical.

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   Burn
I somehow managed to burn myself after I made tea. The handle bar on the mug is very small, so my hand slid and touched the smolderingly hot cup and I burned my hand. Genious.
I think I'm coming down with something. I just feel like crap. Normally I'm on Yahoo!, MSN and AIM when I get home but after being online for an hour and 45 minutes [45 minutes of which I was not even there], I signed off. I don't want to talk to anybody today, even though I converse regularly with one person. Yes, just one. I'd go to bed but I need to make sure I'm awake for the debates at 9, it's sort of an assignment for US History. I've been looking forward to seeing them anyway. I do have a headache though. Sucks.

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   After school...
I dislike Thursdays, only because I have piano lesson to today. I haven't practiced at all and Ms. Wilson is going to be irritated with me. Playing piano should be a hobby, not a chore.
I don't have much to say, nor much that I want to say. Mr. Henson forgot the eggs and therefore we didn't do anything with our projects today. [shrug]

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   Strangely Cool Dream
As stated in the subject, I had a really wierd yet cool dream last night. It started with me in the classroom with several familiar faces from school. Catherine was sitting behind me and this girl, Erica, who sits on the other side of the room in my Government class, was sitting beside her. Now, Erica is a loud person. That's a fact. So, in my dream, I got a new book or something and I passed it back to Catherine to let her see. Well, Erica started a cat fight cause she wanted to see it first. [Yesterday I had been observing how much Erica acts like a little kid, must be Aries Sun or Aries Rising, either that or Leo, but that's probably what brought about the cat fight.] So I finally got tired of it and tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Would you please stop being rude?" She stopped. Then I guess the class ended and I walked toward the front of the room to leave. Then the building turned into something of a police station. I walked through these barred fronts and some of the guys from my CAD class started giving chase. I, of course, ran like hell. Night fell unusually quickly, and soon I couldn't see barely anything in front of me. They were still after me, [I guess I stole something, I had the feeling of being a great thief and told myself I'd never let myself get caught, but I really felt anxious] but they couldn't see me that well. Since I'd spent so much time in the dark, my eyes adjusted better to the darkness than theirs did, but it was still hard to see. The only person left was Steven, who actually isn't in my CAD class, but he's a kid I've known even from my old school. He wasn't trying very hard to catch me, he was just yell-talking back to everyone else while the sun came up and I was running down a very curvy strolling area that was like a park, cause the sidewalk was lined by trees. I kept running, starting to feel tired and kept looking behind me to see if he was gaining. He was still moving at a decent pace even though he was only walking. I was more or less jogging now because I was exhausted, and I was anxious to get myself out of site. Finally I went around a corner that got me out of that area and to an intersection. I ran down a backroad that led to the city area and kept running on the left side. In my mind I was begging for a car to come so I could get a ride, so I was sort of hitch-hiking. I got worried that they'd catch me before a car would come, because none were coming. Finally a car came and I ran right in front of it. They stopped and I assumed they got the idea that I wanted a ride, so I climbed into the back seat with their daughter, who seemed depressed. They brought me to their home, which was huge, glamarous. There was a chandelier hanging on the front porch and it was 2 or 3 stories and there was a huge pool off to the side. I might draw a picture of it, I'll never forget it though. Even in my dream I was shocked, "THIS is your summer house?!" I remember exclaiming. Someone said, "Yes, this is our house." I ran over to the pool with the little girl and she asked if I wanted to go swimming, she suddenly seemed really excited and happy. She said she was waiting for her brother to come, and I assumed he lived with a different family or something. I thought I'd grow close to the girl and she'd start being a normal, happy little girl. Then we walked inside and I woke up. It was sort of like one of those feel good movies but it was inspiring. I think I'd like to write a story about it. I guess it was Akeifa who gave me the idea that I was a thief. It was thrilling though, to think of myself as one of the greatest thieves of all time and to have to escape from a prison [which is what I think I did].
Today in CAD class we're doing our egg-drop experiment. I'm not sure how well my container will be graded originality wise. I used a pre-made box... I figured it'd close best that way, but now that I think about it I could of used curtain things I've seen in Cim's sewing box to make the lid openable and closeable.
Debate tonight! It will be interesting. It's coming on pretty late though, but tomorrow's Friday so who cares? I do get rather careless at the end of the week. I probably shouldn't but, even when I do get careless, I never stay up past 11. I just can't do that. Which is understandable after a 17 hour day [sometimes more obviously].
I need to print my idea for a graphic novel for Patrick to read. He wanted to hear about it so I need to go do that, see if the idea is any good.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

   I live with first-class basterds...
Sorry to rant about how much I hate my family all the time, but they're so damn nosey. Why is it any of Rachel's business if I have text-messaging on my phone? Especially if I'm the one paying for it. Which, by the way, I don't have, but having it or not it's none of her business. I dunno if I've said it before but, if murder weren't a sin, she'd be dead.

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   Erhm. Comments ?
I've gotten some PMs from people commenting on my posts, so I decided to turn on the "comments" so you can post them for others to see.
I watched Mean Girls... it was.. interesting. What's sad is when Lindsay Lohan first comes to the school in the movie, I thought, "Man that reminds me of my school".
I studied for a quiz we're having tomorrow in Government class. I'll look over it once or twice more before the evening is over and probably at least one more time tomorrow. I don't normally fuss over quizzes but everything in Government class is worth 100 points. Can't mess up once or you're burnt.
Today after school reminded me of freshman year. Catherine wasn't there. Brittany wasn't either. I was all alone. Freshman year, I hadn't had a single friend and people called me "the loner girl who never talks". It wasn't much different last year, except that I agreed to help Catherine around since it was her first year at Conner. Before long she didn't need me anymore, she befriended the popular girls, one of which lived right across the street and has known her for years, and I was swept aside. I saw her after school everyday though because her mom picked her up in the back of the school, where the parking lot is, and that's where I waited for Ben so that we could go home. This year really isn't much different. Except Patrick somehow got me to talk to him in Newspaper class last semester, and this year Catherine's best friend, Brittany, is always with her after school. Since we're all going to the same place, no use avoiding them. Then there's Alison. She's in Patrick's Yearbook class. She was hanging around Patrick because she's sort of a no-blender. There only two types of people in that Yearbook class: seniors and preps. Alison is a freshman this year, and she isn't snobby like the preps, so Patrick was the only one who she could be comfortable around. Then there was me, who came in during the last half hour [my lunch period] because there were too many people in the cafeteria, and, well, I have no friends to be with during lunch, so Alison and I somehow met over a game of Connect Four, something Patrick and I played a lot last year on the dry-erase boards. That's pretty much the story of my life, boring isn't it?
Cim got a new cellphone today, but it's practically an ancient model. I asked her why she didn't get a newer one and she said because this one was free. Mine is a 1100 or something and it was "free", but they ended up paying $30 or $60 for it. [raises eyebrow]

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   Me and my best friend: Hot Cocoa
It's so cold outside today. 60*F. And the school still has the air conditioning system running. Smart move.
This morning when Eric was talking to me, he accidentally spit at me. I stood there for a second with a "ugh, gross" look on my face then finally said, "Ew... [slowly wipes it off] Eric. You. Just. Spit on me." "Oh sorry, haha." "I already took a shower this morning..." "Well you just got another one." "Gee, thanks." Patrick brought me Mean Girls to watch, he wanted me to and what better do I have to do anyway? He said the main character, Katie, I think he said her name was, reminded him of me. "O...k..." [shrug]
I was drawing in CAD class today because I've finished everything I have to do. The guy beside me that I never talk to was watching me, and was like "Hey, that's turning out good. What's the full view look like?" I showed him, even though I didn't want to. People kept watching me while I was working on it. I can't function when people are watching so obviously.
I was supposed to go get my bloodwork done today but Cim decided to wait until that 4 day weekend next week. Fun.

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   Scary Stuff. . .
Ah, last night I was playing Harvest Moon: Friends of Mineral Town before going to bed and was so pleased that I finally figured out why Elli wouldn't marry me. Now that I got that fixed, on the 23rd of Spring, the day after the Cooking Festival, we're getting married. But in real life, I've never planned to get married and still have no intentions of doing so. There's one song in particular by No Doubt called "Marry Me", and it sort've spooked me. I like the song but it's still wierd.
Woke up at 3 last night. Whew, five hours of sleep again. Guess I should feel lucky that I got a "decent" [in my case at least] amount of sleep. Would be nice if I could sleep until at least 5. Seven hours of sleep would be a miracle. I had another dream with that person in it. Why do they stalk me in my sleep? I never think about them, I don't even know them. I'm getting tired of seeing their ugly mug in my subconscience.
Tomorrow are the political debates. At 9 ... that's kind of late. For me. I'll watch them anyway though. I should write it down so I don't forget. I write everything down. I have a notepad that's always at my desk that I scribble notes on and one in my bag that I always keep with me at school. I always remember the things I write down too, even if I don't look at them, I remember actually writing them down which is what helps me remember.
Back to the subject at hand. I still can't believe how juvenile some of these commercials for political compaigns are. Kerry's insulting Bush's middle initial? How desporate is that? Maybe if they spent less time bashing the other person and more time focusing on what's important, we would actually get somewhere. I'm worried the debates are only gonna tell us what we already know. How pointless. They're both like broken records, you hear the same thing over and over again. Maybe talking about some minor issues would fill in some of that blank space they use to insult eachother. Pfft.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

   As I sit here freezing...
I've come to realize people don't like those who are emotionally distant and dettached, and that is why people don't like to bother with me. It's always been this way for me and it doesn't bother me, but even now sometimes people waste their time "trying" me out and get disappointed. But you'll never truly know me even if you did talk with me regularly or even if you did read my blog everyday. There's a lot of things I don't say, and I never play on my emotions. If I'm upset, I may portray it in my blog but you'd never know through speaking with me. I've never truly known what anime character to best compare myself to, Ryu Bakura is the best example I can give. When people start caring is when I start backing away.
I was looking at the scars on my right arm. I like them. I have a long one covering 1/4 of my arm which I got when I was a baby. Got cut with the scalple [sp?]. Then another right beside it that's about half the size where I got burnt. Then I have a bunch of faint ones on my forearms from chicken pox and more noticeable but small ones all over my shoulders, back and chest. Probably from chicken pox too. I have one on my knee, don't know where it came from though. I have one on my hand, don't know where it came from. I have one on my wrist, on the top, I don't know where that came from. I have another one the bottom of my forearm, don't know where it came from. I don't know why people think scars are so unattractive. Guess it depends what kind.

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