Sunday, March 27, 2005

Cry for the Unwanted
By Joey M. [that's me]
Written 26/03/2004

Darkness surrounds the bitter,
playing with the minds.
Corpses lay, slaughtered,
confined to chains and binds.

Whispers come before
and after horrid screams,
terror one thought came
only from ones dreams.

The solitary longing,
the unspeakable wanting,
the things you'll ever want to know,
words forever taunting.

Hearts that bleed forever more,
hatred content on settling the score.
Bodiless voices telling you to cry,
someone unseen is telling you to die.

Haunting tunes that linger
music playing but no singer.
The graves that emerge at night
moans from the undead,
the best company in the world,
ones only real friend.

The mask that hides
everything not wished to be revealed,
all the emotions that were stolen
in these wounds are sealed.

Cry for me
and cry for them.
Cry for hurting hearts so long,
cry for the ones who aren't so strong.

Weep for the bitter,
and weep for the lonely
weep for the ones
all treated so coldly.

Tears for the fallen
and tears for the haunted,
but all these sorrows
are for the Unwanted.

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Saturday, March 26, 2005

Dying, Praying, Bleeding and Screaming...
We Wear the Mask
by Paul Laurence Dunbar

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes--
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but oh great Christ, our cries
To Thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask.

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Clairvoyant Disease
Today I truly feel like dying. Life holds no hope, no pleasure, only agony and darkness. Furthermore, I think I want to stop writing in this journal. My life isn't worth recording. Perhaps when I die, my memory will simply fade just as quickly. I now know how lacking of a friend Natalie is ... I read her journal and she said her great uncle died and that she was really depressed lately and the like .. and she doesn't tell me. I don't care though. I'm sick of caring. She can keep to herself if that's what she wants, I won't pry her open but I won't look for her support if she won't let me lend my shoulder when she needs it. That would be taking advantage of her.. and that isn't right. Maybe today I can finally say, to the story of my life, "The End".

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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

New fanart
I finally finished my painting of Pharoah Atemu, I'm very proud of it. I'm gonna get a picture frame for it and hang it up in my room. It'll be an antique someday and I'll look back and say, "This was the first painting I've ever done in acrylic paint." And yeah, I already posted it in my fanart section so I'd love if you go and take a look.
Besides that, there isn't really anything to say. My depression has returned, not as severe as it's been but it's quite lingering. It drains my energy, gives me headaches and makes me want to fade to black. And to make it worse, there's this guy ... and I keep wanting to tell him how much I like him but I've concluded it's better to leave him alone. I'd never stand a chance and.. well. He has a girlfriend too ... I told Patrick about it and he was like, "Well, you're hotter than him anyway" and I was like, "Um, thanks but what does that have to do with it?" Sometimes I wonder if people tell me things like that just to make me feel better or if maybe they see something I don't. I don't want to be like the girl who you think is the prettiest thing you've ever seen but she's in denial about it or something. Cause that's annoying. But I'm not going to be conceited about it either or anything. I dunno. [sigh] I wish I could die .. again. What's stopping me from dying? ... I dunno. Maybe there's the smallest light of hope in me that says it'll get better.. I hope it will. Then I wonder though.. if I'm as pretty as everyone says.. why isn't anybody interested in me? Is my personality that bad? ... Patrick said the other day he wondered that too, why I don't have a boyfriend that is and I said I didn't know and asked if I was really that ugly or something and he was saying I wasn't ugly at all ... and that I had big boobs. I was a little shocked then he reassured me that guys like big boobs but I was like Ok, just shut up .... Yeah today I had my confession ready and everything for the guy I like and.. he never came around like he usually does and... I need to get over it. It hurts too much to care anymore..
PS: As you can see I fixed the page up a little. I even have a title. Wow.

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Monday, March 21, 2005

Flawed
I have an obsession with perfection, I'd say almost to the point of being obsessive-compulsive. It's that bad. Today I wrote a note to somebody .. I was so worried about my writing looking perfect for them and folding it perfectly and signing my name perfectly and everything. It's been getting worse ever since I started socializing more, which I think I mentioned before. It's like I feel like people expect me to be perfect, I expect me to be perfect, so I strive so hard for perfection it's psychotic. It will drive me to insanity.
Today Natalie went home early. She felt really bad. She had a fever and really bad cramping and stuff... I felt so bad for her and wanted to help so much but there wasn't much I could do except keep her company while she waited. I stayed in the Art room during second period because we were supposed to go to a drunk driving program for second, I didn't want to go though. I finished my painting. Well, sort of. I need to add a background. Natalie said it looked really good and that I was talented with acrylics. It made me really happy and stuff. I hope she gets online today so I can ask her how she's doing. I hope she'll be there tomorrow. I need guidence in making the background.
I don't have much to say. I really don't want to go to prom.. Natalie really does though. I don't want to disappoint her. Ben got really mad at me this morning. I won't explain why but, Cim said he's been really snappy lately. Nobody knows why, apparently.
I got a migraine in fourth today. What a great way to end the day. Oh well. I hasn't gone away and I don't feel like saying much. I kinda didn't feel like saying anything at all but I have no homework and wanted to do something. So yeah. Tada.
Oh yeah, Ami called me on Sunday. We text now, after like a year of not speaking. She lost her internet but I'm so glad she called. She told me how Ash was doing and stuff and heh.. Yeah. That was fun I guess. It's great how you can't stop thinking about somethings even when it's on your priority list to stop thinking about it ... guess that doesn't make sense either though. [sigh]

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Sunday, March 20, 2005

A Great Thing
I've been reading a book, called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, which is really good, by the way, for anyone who needs some help. And yeah, it's helped me a lot, or at least opened my eyes better, especially in the area that's troubling me most lately. Ever since I've started socializing more, with Natalie around and everything, I've felt more flawed and more compelled to be perfect, which is something the book talked about. I hate being called sensitive but most of the things in the book which dealt with problems the HSP [Highly Sensitive Person] deals with reflected much of my own problems and such. It's also made me realize why I can see myself falling into an abusive relationship, I don't know why I ever thought of it but apparently it's something that happens often to HSPs because they need someone to attach themselves to or something.. which would also explain why if someone isn't tied to my hip I feel alone and abandoned. Course, nobody's ever been tied to my hip, so I've always felt alone. It's so complicated.. and I hate it.. but might as well deal with it. I'm trying, I really am. This relapse of depression though hasn't helped, that and yesterday I felt truly psychotic ... like, I was looking at this picture of Bakura stabbed hand just bursting with blood and him looking insane, laughing, and stuff and I felt like that could be me. I almost scare myself sometimes and yet I don't because I'm like "it's just me..." That sounds strange but ... I think I really need to see a doctor or something. Even Patrick mentioned he noticed my mood swings and such shit and I was like, "Great, so it's broken through my mask..." which is obviously a bad sign. I'm gonna talk to Cim about it. I want help before it kills me. It isn't something worth dying over and there's so much good I still want to do for the world, psychotic or not at least my heart is good, though scenes of grusome murder may be appealing or even severe self-mutilation [which I would do before murdering someone else but one thing always leads to another], my heart has a disposition of its own. It's kind of like... mmmm.. like it's a person of its own. Like, there's three people living in me. My heart, my mind and me [which I guess is a mix of the two]. Wow, that sounds like split-personalities that're aware of one another .. [shudder]. I disturb myself more and more .. and now I'm almost at a loss ... I wish I could talk to someone about it but the more I think about it the more I just want to hide it. I'm always running away. [sigh] What to do ...

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Saturday, March 19, 2005

Murr~
Somebody forgot to turn off the bold down at the bottom of my last entry. [too lazy to go do it herself.] I need more quizzes to take though so if you have any, tell me and I'll keep posting.
On another note. I made a wicked awesome sketch of Pharoah Atemu [Yami Yugi] and I'm painting it with acrylics in painting class right now. It should be finished by Monday, I've been working on it all week. I can't wait for it to be finished. I wish I would have used transparent acrylics but when Cim picked up some paint for the skin color she obviously didn't know the difference between opaque and transparent. That's OK though, it doesn't look too bad... even though it would have looked better with the transparent.. I'll just remember to get transparent ones when I go to get my own acrylic paint. Ah well. I guess I'll get over it. It still looks pretty good though. That's all for now though. I have to run to the mall today to pick up my dress and some shoes. Fun. [rolls eyes] I still don't want to go to prom .. Heh. Oh well.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

*Whew* I AM that bored.

YOU ARE ... COLD BLOODED KILLER! (Kamuro from
Kamikaze)

What Kind of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Rei Ayanami, from Evangelion.

Which Popular Anime Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You have AYA angst. Oh dear. We're talking
uber-angst here. You've lost those dear to you,
leaving you cold and ruthless with a thirst for
revenge that will never be quenched. And the
guilt! Don't lets get started on the guilt. The
only hope for you is to find a vocation to take
your mind of things, or better still, a soul
mate to pull your eartails until you feel
better.

What kind of anime angst have you got?
brought to you by Quizilla


Congrats you got Aya. Wow what did you do to make
him like you. The only girl hes ever liked was
his sister. But this boy will treat you right.
It doesnt matter if he doesnt talk much. You
got a good one.

Which Weiss Guy are destined to be with?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'm all into the tall, dark, mysterious and handsome guys... or on the flip side the total insane ones [coughbakuracough] ahem.

What bishounen type is your favourite?
By ShoSen of Totally Kawaii!
See?


Get you a sammich? Yes, Mam.
Find out what anime character cliche you are.
Yum.


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