Friday, September 24, 2004

   Suffering...
This morning I decided instead of eating a bagel I wanted some cereal. So I went through the trouble of opening a new container of lactose acid pills and spilling them all over the floor to take the required 3. So I go up stairs with my bowl of cereal and now I'm so sick.. It hurts excruciatingly and it shouldn't do that ... Not after taking the lactose pills. My stomache is too damn sensitive to everything. I can't even eat a bowl of cereal without worrying about getting sick. [sigh]
Yesterday I did get to the store though and got some vegetarian "meat". I also got some sugar free candy, like chocolate chip cookies, those are so good. They're not very chewy though. Still good. And of course I got some chocolate truffles, have yet to try them, and a bag of chocolate cookies and a bag of animal crackers--all which I haven't tried yet.
Well, if this pain persists I'm not going to school. I went once and got this same pain there and I was on the verge of crying it got so bad, and I'm not one to just cry about anything. I'm pretty pain tolerant except when it comes to abdominal pain. That's usually the worst. It still hurts really bad, I'll wait and see before I leave though if I'll be staying or not. [sigh] I just wanted a bowl of cereal ...

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Thursday, September 23, 2004

   Haunting me ...
I have no homework tonight, which is amazing. I'm sitting here eating my meal of tomato sauce on ravioli stuffed with cheese... I'll be living off these kind of meals once I get to Texas.
I had another dream last night. I didn't mention when I had dreamt of something simular, but there's this one person, just this one person, who keeps appearing in my dreams, haunting me in my sleep. Won't leave me be.
Patrick told me today Allison really likes me, cause she asks everyday if I'll be coming around and gets happy when Patrick says yes. I'm surprised I have such influence on anybody. She's a sweet girl though, I don't mind her. A Leo, amazingly. Never thought a Leo would be interested in an Aquarius in a look-up-to kind of way. Then again there are many things I don't know. I have a lot to learn.
At a quarter to five, I'm going to the grocery store. I'd be leaving now if my parents would get a damned grip on themselves and let me drive now that I have my license. But I need to get some food from the vegetarian section. [Now that I'm saving $20 by buying skirts rather than pants *plus the hem*, I can spend it on food, because vegetarian food is more expensive than meat products. Clever, huh?] I'll also look for low sugar and carb desserts. You may think I'm paranoid about my weight, heh, WRONG. Sugars [and carbs that ultimately turn into sugar] react to the medication I'm on which causes me to get nauscious. I spent several weeks on end nauscious 24/7, from the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to bed, and every in between wake up during the night. Luckily, since I lowered the dosage to only 500MG a day [rather than 1000MG a day] it hasn't been so bad, even though having sugar will still make me sick. I have to say, you have to be very self-discaplined to do that in this house, especially when you have a sweet tooth such as mine.
Hopefully this weekend I'll be able to drive with Pim so he'll let me drive out on my own finally. I'm a good driver, better than my 17 year old brother who drives like a maniac nowa days and still hasn't heard a word from neither Pim nor Cim. We were discussing in ADV. Government today how you are a product of your parents and your environment, and we were on the topic of rules of behavior, and things of that nature. While everyone was in their own little conversation saying how their parents were strict in which areas, I turned to Catherine and said, "You know .. honestly, I sort of think my parents are most strict on me..." Catherine agreed, and said how it was unfair that they let Ben go out and do the things he does with practically no tabs on his activities, wilst I am here and wouldn't do the bad things Ben does or hang around the bad people Ben does, and I'm allowed to do nothing at all. Even my little sister Rachel has more freedom than I am granted. Am I depressed about it? Not really. I've adapted to it. But then Pim always wonders and gets on to me for being so avoidant of social situations, when it might just be his own fault that I am. Heh, it's.. rather ironic. I don't care though. Once I can go out and do what I wish, it'll be simple things. Maybe go pick up some food from the grocery, go to the movies and see a movie by myself, go to the mall, either to shop, window-shop or just people watch [alone]. I will be doing everything by myself. And they worry more about me than about Ben ? It amazes me ... it really does. Soon enough though, soon enough. Someday we shall see who ends up where and why, huh. We shall see.
Pep rally tomorrow... I may just hide in the bathrooms. I fear the gigantic mob which will be in that gym. Almost 1600 people. We had trouble fitting everyone in last year and it was only about 1400. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a death or two from people being trampled. The people at my school are generally rude, immature and IQ-wise, a rock thinks more often than they do. What does that say about my school ? It is a sad, sad place.
I must get to finishing my doll of Katsuya now. Then catch up on the reading I failed to do yesterday. Perhaps more will come for me to write later.

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   Left Over Time
I have a few minutes left before we have to go, so I thought I'd take the oppurtunity to make an entry. Not that I have anything to talk about.
I was remembering when me and my friend Katie "broke up". Just this summer actually we officially said we'd never talk to each other again. She was trying to force her ideals on me, and I won't take crap from even my friends [or "friends" in this case], so I told her to shove it up her ass and go away. I never actually trusted her though. She wasn't a very good friend. Every time we'd try to plan something for the weekend, she'd forget to ask her parents if she could do it and it never worked out. I'm not saying it's all her fault, I know I have a bad tendency to push people further away the closer they try to get. I just hope nobody else tries cause that'll just be another break up to look back on. I don't need that crap. I've got enough stuff to worry about.
I never read my book which is funny 'cause I enjoy reading it. Yesterday I was feeling really sick though, and I'm not much better today. I'll just read two chapters today and make up for it. Not like I ever have much to comment on it about. Not saying I don't think about it but the things they say to thing about are sort of straight forward, facts of life, can't change 'em kind of things and that's how I look at them. So what am I supposed to say about them anyway ?
I haven't finished my bagel ... I'm starting to get sick of them. But if I decided to have cereal every morning I'd have to take two lactose pills before and that's just more things to remember. I could go for something sweet though ... Yesterday I was looking for something sweet. Never found anything I could have though.. Too much sugar in everything that we happen to have stored in the pantry.
I made a Naruto team for myself. Two guys who I'm making dolls of actually. One's named Dobosu Katsuya and the other is Takato [he doesn't have a family name]. I like Katsuya a lot but I need to work on Takato's gig a bit more. I almost finished the Katsuya doll but I went to bed at 11--I wasn't gonna stay up 'til 12 making a doll. I actually slept in today. 15 minutes. I woke up at 4 and turned off the alarm and rolled over, next thing I know it was 5:40. I was like "crap~ [rolls out of bed]". I'm very much time conscious.. maybe time paranoid. I wish I'd stop, it's kind of stressful. Puts a lot of pressure on me to do everything at this time.
About time to go. More later.. if there's anymore to say.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

   Apathy
I've lost it again. I'm just empty. There's nothing there. No emotion, indifference to everything ... and I'm freezing. I think I'm getting a head cold. [sigh] I should go shower and get it over with but I really don't want to shower. I just want to go to sleep. I haven't skipped a shower since summer though [of course, I shower twice a day].
Got a letter from Eric. He's not liking the way his new school does the scheduling [seven 90 minute classes everyday]. I wrote a 4 full page reply [always so long ...]. Of course I have the hand writing of a kindergartener, huge as it is it might be mistaken for a kindergartener's hand writing. I was short of stickers though ... so I closed the envelope with a snowman sticker and wrote "kind of early, but yeah ..." and put an arrow to it.
Winter's going to be bad. I'm glad. I love the snow, though I can't handle the cold very well. Winter scenery touches the depths of my soul... I'm a scenery person. Beautiful scenery inspires my dreams. Food for the imagination.
You know ... I'm beginning to become very interested in Hyuga Neji. With his Byakugan, he can read people's thoughts and emotions ... what a psychiatric breakthrough. That alone is enough to get me interested ... Of course.. heh ... he isn't real. So it's a wasted interest. I waste a lot of my interest in feeble fantasies and untangible things.. It's very much a waste but sometimes I can't help myself.
I don't have much to discuss these days ... so I'm going to read now. Maybe I'll have something interesting to mention later.

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   Tired
I'm so exhausted, and I don't know why at all. I could have fallen asleep on the car ride home if I wanted. I'm so tired. But now I am home, eating my Pringles [original], drinking my peppermint tea and preparing to study for a 200 point test in US History. Bummer. I'm very concerned about it. It covers like two weeks of material almost. I've been paying attention and taking my notes, but I still worry. Because I never know how much studying is enough studying, I always freak out about these tests--esecially when the teacher makes a big deal about it.
Tomorrow I think I'll bring some drawings to show to Natalie. She asked if I had any but I only had some doodles in my Government and Drafting notebook. She saw something no one else has ever seen before that I drew a while ago... She doesn't know that though. I don't really want to show her my drawings either though. I don't really like showing others my work ... just because. It's always been that way. It hasn't changed.
Today I was informed that Ben drinks. I didn't believe Paul at first, but seeing the kind of people Ben hangs out with, I lose my doubt in Paul. It's disturbing... I thought Ben was smarter than that. Smarter than everything that he's become. Better than that. But no. He's not. He's just like everyone else now. Every other person in school ... It doesn't make me sad, not really. It's just seeing another person fall. I saw it coming.
As for me, I hope and pray everyday that I won't fall into the same pit as all of them. I've avoided it thus far, and I don't see how it could worm its way into my life, but I do realize things happen and things change. Unexpected events occur even if we're left with a huge question mark over our heads like "what the hell happened?". Sometimes I think it's just carelessness that lets it happen, but being over paranoid doesn't do you any good either. I tend to be over paranoid about a lot of things ...

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   Morning
How irritating it is to wake up before your alarm clock goes off, then saying to yourself, "I'm gonna get up at 5:25 no matter what". I always do that and it always annoys me. Why can't I just get up?
I did think yesterday though I'm doing pretty well for myself health wise. Every morning I eat a cinnamon apple bagel that has 10g of protein, every day after school I make tea and drink 2-4+ cups [I drink it in the biggest mugs we have, they're pretty big]. I lift a 5lb. twice a day. All together each arm gets... 160 lifts [I lift two different ways, 20 for both and I do it twice a day]. I usually go for a mile walk everyday but it's been warm out lately so I haven't gone. Waiting for it to cool off more. Haven't been practicing piano much either though ... I'm sure Ms. Wilson will get annoyed with me for it. At least I haven't quit yet though.
I need to finish my Boogiepop Phantom series. I have like 2 DVDs to go but I can't seem to get myself to watch them cause Ben has the PS2 again. Probably over the long weekend I'll get around to it.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

   Blah ... still.
Don't feel much better now than I did on my last entry. I got a lot of compliments today though. Natalie said my skirt was cute and that she'd have to get me knee-high socks so I could wear my cute skirts during the winter. Brittany said I looked adorable and even one of my old teachers [I won't give a name, but he'd be my best friend if he wasn't a teacher] asked why I was dressed up, I said no reason, and he said I looked nice so yeah. Brittany said my outfits are always so cute. I try, I guess.
Anyway, Alison showed me a new site, Forever21.com. They have really nice clothes for less than what Kohl's sells their stuff for. I'm getting two skirts from there since I had little luck on getting many last weekend.
*Yawn*, I still have some US History to read but... I really don't want to. I did like 5 more pages of our work packet which is due Thursday. I did like 6 yesterday ! I'm rather exhausted from it. I played on my keyboard a little, but ... I'm so tired and my head hurts. I just don't want to do anything right now really. Usually I enjoy reading my US History assignment or at least don't mind it. Least I already know what I'm wearing tomorrow. It seems superficial to pre-plan your outfits or whatever, but if I don't plan them the night before I'll spend a half an hour trying to decide. So it saves a lot of time to just put my mind to wearing something the night before.
I think I'll go read from my new book... You can only read one chapter a day cause it's one of those do-it-in-X-amount-of-days books. So it won't take long I'm sure.

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   Sad . . .
I don't feel so well today. I woke up after a bad dream and now I'm depressed. Sometimes I wish it were easier to just rid of your feelings. I don't usually lose control of them, but I guess what goes up has got to fall. Now it's just a waiting game, when will it go away? By tomorrow it should be gone. But.. I've had episodes that last months at a time and that's not good. Shouldn't last that long though, I've gotten better about keeping a hold of myself over the past year or two.
Yesterday came report cards.
Geometry: 95%
Advanced Government: 96% [without weight]
CAD [Computer Aided Drafting]: 100%
US History Honors: 86% [without weight; what a drop. It should go up once we get more grades, but I've heard a lot that Mr. Hils, my teacher, is really tough too and.. asks rather meticulous *sp?* questions on tests.]
Not bad, 'cept for US History. I really need to get that grade up or my GPA will take a nose dive. Right now I have a 3.3, 3.2 I think ? I have some research I need to do on Texas A&M and their entrance requirements. I still haven't signed up for the PSAT//SAT. Argh. I need to do that.. I just don't know when I want to. Could do it this morning, hn. I probably should. Guess we'll see. I need to finish getting ready for school now.

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Monday, September 20, 2004

   Blah ...
I don't remember why I made this ... I guess I need a blog to rant on. Or something like that. No ranting today though. I got some stuff to finish. Maybe ... later .....
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