Friday, February 25, 2005

Long day
I stayed home in bed all day. Don't remember the last time I actually did that. Cim gave me some medicine that's made me quite irritable. I don't have much to say. And I don't have much energy to write. So I think I'll stop there.

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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Sick ... again
I went home early today. I shouldn't have gone to school to begin with actually. There isn't much I have to say. I just want to lay down and rest right now. Hopefully I'll get over this soon so I don't have to miss anymore school. [keeping fingers crossed]

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

A Need for Divine Intervention
Well. Life sucks. We all already knew that. So the highlight of the day wasn't a good one, but I do remember it. Lindsay, a girl in my painting class, was saying how her boyfriend's mom was kicking her out of the house because she spent the day with her mom the other day. So life is sucking for Lindsay and she's like, "What am I gonna do?" and Patrick, the fucking asshole, says, "If I were Lindsay, I would just kill myself." He went to the back to clean his water out and stuff and Lindsay was like, "I can't believe he said that. That's like going up to your friend and telling them to shoot themselves." I was like, "I know, I'm gonna go talk to him." So I go back there and I'm like, "Patrick, why're you being such a jerk? Why did you say that?" And he was just all, "That's just what I do." I was like "NO! That's NOT what you do! That's not how you treat your friends!" He just shrugs, I was like, "NO you don't just shrug either, you either stop it and keep your mouth shut or stop being a jerk." I totally went off on him. After class when Patrick and Lindsay had left, Sara came over, she was sitting at the computer behind us while I told Patrick off was like, "That was great, it took everything I had not to just burst into laughter, I was like 'YEAH!!'" Somebody finally told him, and I swear, I'm not putting up with his shit anymore. That is not the way you treat people, especially not your friends. What I don't understand is, why is it that people who treat their friends that way still have friends, then people like me who have some real morals about friendship don't have any? I don't get that.
Anyway. Yesterday I finally decided I'm going to get help, or at least talk to the doctor. Whether it's depression or bipolar, I think it's bipolar really, bipolar II to be exact, I'm gonna go get a doctor's appointment to fix this. Well, not fix it but, do what I can to make it better. Even if nothing does any good I can say I tried, which is a lot better than sitting back and watching my life waste away to nothing. I have 3 people who can vouche for the extremety of my moods and mood swings, and that's enough evidence for me that I need to get help before I go suicidal again. I finally see I don't have to live a life in hell, I don't have to live my life suffering. There are things I can do to improve my life, and dammit, I'm gonna do what I can... if I ever get the courage to ask for a doctor's appointment about it. [sigh] Well, I'm getting an oppurtunity now to talk to Cim one-on-one about it so [crosses fingers] here goes everything.

PS: I forgot to mention I was going to talk to my other doctor first, the one who gave me the metformin to take about it. That's sort of an essential detail because well, until I talk to her there's not much I can do.

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Troublesome
Yesterday I basically chewed Diana out, she had it coming and she went off and cried about it like a big baby. Oh well. What I'm more concerned about right now is how much I hate that I dwell in the past so much. It's like.. you look behind to see what was there but keep walking and eventually stumble. It's stupid. I was just recalling when I started crying at school and ... gah to hell with it all. I wish I could get amnesia and forget about everything.
On a better note. I'm babysitting for the neighbor on Saturday for 4 hours. I think it'll be nice. The girl's about 12, just her. I get $5 an hour. That's $20. Mrs. Bobby wants me to do it here and there when she goes to play cards with some of her friends. I think it's great. I'm looking forward to getting out of this house for a couple hours. This'll be interesting...
Anyway, I want to buy some boots like Amy Lee has. I found some at Sears a couple weeks ago but wouldn't you know it, their smallest size was still a size too big for me. I'm gonna go searching today to see if I can find anything. Maybe Payless..... hmmmmmmmm [brood].

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Monday, February 21, 2005

Bleehh
I have a long day ahead of me. I need to stop by Barnes and Noble sometime today to see if they have Volume 9 of Yu-Gi-Oh!. I have two lab reports to do, Mr. Ryan was real mean to do that. I might do one today and one tomorrow. They shouldn't take too long.
For anyone who didn't see the post below, I posted a new fanart of Gaara, it took me 5 hours or so to sketch and paint it. So yeah, take a look see if you're bored.
I'm still angry that the mail isn't delivering today. I really want my hoodie... Maybe it'll come tomorrow .... naahh. What're the chances? I'm not gonna bother even hoping. Oh well, I suppose I'll live.
I'm angry with Diana//Aqua, whatever the hell you wanna call her. Her life revolves around her friend Alek and I'm riding in the back seat after being around for her for so long. The other day she was all upset [I probably already told this story but you're gonna listen again!] and left in a huff so the next day I asked her if she was Ok and stuff and said how even if I wasn't right next to her physically I'd always be there if she needed me and it took a lot for me to come out and say that because I just don't tell people those things, specially not her. She said thanks and all was well .. except after that she didn't even talk to me. "So anyway, what're you up to?" I finally ask. "Talking to Alek." Whoa my fucking gosh! Who'd of thought?? Yesterday I helped her get reference images for a picture she was making and I really helped her out and crap, and then she comes and she's like "Do you have such-and-such song?" "Why?" it wasn't the kind of music she listened to, "Alek wants it" "..." Of course, me being a pushover dumbassed nice person I sent it over. Then what? "Do you know anything about keyboards? Blah blah blah" I explained what I knew and then she tells me it's for Alek. WTFH? I'm sick of hearing about Alek!! If Alek wants to find a keyboard she can go fucking read an article herself on the internet, there are PLENTY OF THEM. I'm not as pissed off as I sound, but I sure was an ass to Diana yesterday after that. I'd rather just not talk to her anymore but then she'd be all "ohh what's wrong? you said blah-ba-blah-ba-blah~~~!" Like it isn't obvious. People suck, I'm getting very sick of them. All this in one weekend? Would it be unfair to say this weekend sucked because of that? Well, even without that it did suck. A lot of depression. Not that that's anything new but, with feeling abandoned by Brittney and Catherine and then Diana who AGAIN FOR THE SECOND TIME obviously prefers to talk to someone else over me. I don't care. She isn't worth my time. I'll go to school on Wednesday having been reminded of what I've known for so long, but tried to forget. Just how alone I am. How alone I'll always be...
I've come up with a theory ... The reason I seek to adopt a child, which is something I constantly ponder over, is to have someone to pour my affections out to. I'll never find a guy I can do that with... But a child. A broken child, abandoned, lost and alone will surely welcome my love with open arms. Though the issue of the missing father does concern me, because I'm majoring in Child Psychology [I think I still need to change that on my sidebar info] I should be able to make up for what a father would bring, or at least I'd know what was missing and could try... Yeah.. Yeah. That's my theory.

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

New fan art posted
I posted a new fan art I made. For anybody who cares. I did it in water color. It's Gaara. The end.

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Spent too much...
So yeah. On Friday I spent $30. $11.32 [exactly] was part of paying for dinner, and I bought this cool as hell shirt at Hot Topic [see? http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=142278]. Then yesterday I got a new CD/MP3 player since mine is 5 years old. It still works but.. the hold feature doesn't, which means it eats my batteries during school most of the time because it won't stay off when it's in my bag. Here's the CD player: http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?id=1076629272084&skuId=6287298&productCategoryId=pcmcat27600050008&type=product. It's a nice CD player. So that cost me actually $42 cause Pim said he'd pay $15 and Cim already had $42 of my dollars so she said the rest was covered. I got off easy. Anyway, yesterday I saw Hot Topic having a President's Day Sale, 50% off clearance. I jumped on that and bought what I liked.
Pants-->http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=250810
Skirt-->http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=249280
Earrings-->http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=271160
Lucky for me, I'm small and the only skirt size they have left is a small. As for the pants... I had to get a 1. I thought that was kind of crazy. I usually get 3's. But it seems everybody upped their sizes or something. That only cost me $30.50 all together. The shipping was outrageous. $7.30.
Anyway... they finally shipped my Evanescence [that's hard to spell cause you think you have it right then realize there's too many c's or s's somewhere in there...] hoodie. Yesterday. Jerks. I ordered it on Monday. Oh well, it'll come sometime this week. I won't have to freeze my ass off anymore, all my hoodies are too big. I'll wear them but they make me klutzy cause the sleeves are like .. saggy. It's impractical, quite frankly. The hoodie itself was inexpensive though, surprisingly enough.. compared to a lot of other hoodies I've seen, it was only $21! Of course, shipping was ridiculous, again. I ended up spending $28 on it with the shipping, but that's still less than I'd spend on a hoodie at JCPenny or Kohls or something... $3 less .. Shipping sucks.
Today I need to ask Ben if he'll let me rip a copy of his My Chemical Romance CD. I'd have bought one but it's silly to buy a CD that's already sitting in the bedroom next door. He'll be leaving this summer for college so it won't seem so wierd then, but if I can save myself some money by just ripping his CD then that'd be even better. Course, I have to ask first. I was gonna ask yesterday but he had company over and I didn't want to bother him while Brad was over.
I'm thoroughly enjoying how retarded Ming Ming is. What a little whore. It's funny. Ok I'm done rattling off.

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Saturday, February 19, 2005

Dampered Mood
While I thought Friday night would be great... Brittney, Catherine and I were gonna go out to eat, go to the mall, see a movie, and hang out for my birthday. But.. you know when you don't belong. Brittney and Catherine have known eachother so long, they always have something to talk about and things they remember they used to do... and I stand there as if I'm invisible. Most of the time, I feel invisible. I thought I found some friends, some good friends, people who wanted to be around me, a place where I belonged. I realize I disillusioned myself to think that I belonged with them... but now I see it isn't so. I'm heartbroken, yes, but I shouldn't have put up my hopes to begin with. I basically shoved myself off a cliff and now I'm enjoying the fall. It hurts, but... maybe this time I'll finally get that I don't have a place among people. I'm here by myself, now and always. For 17 years it's been that way. Why would it change now? A loner I truly am. Whether I like it ... or whether I don't ... It's not for me to decide what I am. Because, no matter who I pretend to be, people still never seem to want me around or care about me more than everyone else. Things are just like that. Maybe I should grow up and get that idea stuck in my head before I end up approaching another cliff that only looks like a molehill. Hm...

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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Long time no see much?
It's been a while. Today's my birthday. I'm 17. Only three people from school wished me a happy birthday. I feel so.. loved. Anyway, I did something over the weekend that I'm gonna post in the art section. So yeah, go check it out once it's uploaded or something.

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Saturday, January 15, 2005

Trouble
Yesterday at 9 the police came to talk to Ben. Seems he was at Burger King with Hannah and was backing out of the parking lot and scratched a car. He checked to see if he scratched it but he didn't see anything, so he left. Now we're waiting for the police or the lady to call and exchange information and whatever's gonna be happening. It's kind of serious cause.. it's considered to be a "hit and run" on Ben's part. Great. Least the police officer was understanding and didn't arrest Ben yesterday, which he could have. Oi. Lets see how nice the lady is now ...

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