Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Friends aren't real.
I was reading the forums today. There was a new thread about Scorpios and all these people were saying what great friends they make. So.. how come I've never had great friends like these people have? What is it about me that repels people so much? I know it's wrong in it's own sense, but I'm closing myself off from the world again. I'm sick of waiting for someone to come along and just be that Scorpio friend that I've always longed for. Dammit. Life sucks. And I'm through dealing with it at a head-on levels. I'm gonna sink down into my little ocean of thought where no one can reach me. And at this point, I bid thee a very heartfelt fair well, because this is the last piece of my heart I'm giving away in this lifetime. Until next time.

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Monday, December 27, 2004

A Poem
Here's a poem I wrote today:
Origami Cranes

my nerves are tormented
by the slits gone through my skin.
how the blood drips
from my hands.
my origami cranes
are cutting me into a million pieces.

the colors
are not numbered.
all the beauty of the rainbow
is reflected in
my origami cranes,
reminding me how
beautiful life really is
beyond the pain.

the blunted edges
show how worn
my origami cranes
have become.
the torn up paper shows
how the stares of others
has faded all the colors.

but what no one knows
is i drew a heart
with my red marker inside
my origami cranes.
i looked inside to see
it broken.
broken.

i throw them out my window
to see them fly away,
my origami cranes
how they fade away into the distance.
they fall
down beneath my window.
they fall
down below.

their wings are broken
in the rain
that's falling from the sky.
my origami cranes
they seem to die
right before my eyes.
my origami cranes...
my origami cranes...
my origami cranes
are gone...

The End

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Another day I wish wasn't here...
Pim's still acting stupid and pouting in the basement. Cim said Ben tried to go explain himself like a mature person three times! But Pim wouldn't listen to him. She told me what exactly happened too. Friday, when Pim said we were gonna go to Grandma's on Saturday [telling us at the last minute pretty much], Ben went to him later in the evening and asked him [like a mature adult] if he could tell him ahead of time when he's planning to do these things [he even said please, which Ben never does] and Pim went on a tantrum how he doesn't have to tell anybody anything when he wants to do something and how everybody's always taking advantage of him and.. [rolls eyes] he sounds like a selfish, spoiled little brat kid. He's freakin 43!! [shakes head] And while I appreciate the suggestion of telling people how I feel about all this, nobody would really listen. Specially not the people who're fighting. As far as they're concerned it's none of my business and I should just shut up and stay out of it. I wouldn't dare say anything to either of them about it or I'd get so thoroughly chewed out, I'd be crippled once they're through.
I stayed up until about 3:30 last night... what the heck were me and Kamiko talking about ? I don't remember. It must of been worth staying up for though. ^^; I watched A Knight's Tale last night. I love that movie, it's great. I like the redhead ^__^ he's the best part! [Still has a fetish for red hair I guess.] And I talked to Kero//Kiro [I forget how he told me to spell it o_0] a long time. I won't go into what were talking about .. even though I started writing up half the conversation. Nobody really cares. ~_~;;
There isn't much left to say. Nothing left to do... Hm. Well then. Guess that's all I got to say. I used to be a lot more interesting. A_A;

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Sunday, December 26, 2004

Writing this off as a bad day...
We were supposed to go to Grandma's house today, but Ben and Pim had a fight yesterday and Pim, being immature as he is, decided he would go alone. He later changed his mind though because the roads are still iced over. Rachel found a note on the counter that Ben wrote to Pim. Something about being an ass and what a jerk on Christmas eve and saying he wasn't going, and if Pim was gonna wake him up to chew him out to just punch him in the face so he can focus on the pain rather than listen to Pim. About time somebody told Pim off. I found all this out this morning, so I woke up early for nothing. Oh well. I watched Yu-Gi-Oh! this morning and called Ryuji a fruitcake.
I'm so depressed. I've got a part of this Maroon 5 song stuck in my head, it goes, "Hey Mama, I've been cryin', cause things aren't how they used to be". I wish it would go away.. It's.. I dunno. There's just nothing I can do to make the depression go away. If I could, I'd sleep it off, but I can't sleep all day. It won't go away with just a nap either. I guess this whole argument between Ben and Pim has upset me more than I realize, cause I woke up just fine. Why can't Pim just grow up?
I gave Cim the $70 I got for Christmas to pay off my debt ... that's $85 all together. $20 more and I'll be out of debt. That's the last time I borrow money. Ugh! Next time I just won't buy presents for anyone here because they don't deserve it anyway.

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas I guess.
Not feeling as great today. These mood swings are enough to drive me insane. Wait, I've already crossed that line. ~_~;;
For Christmas I got a FujiFilm S3100 [niiice] which I can't figure out how to upload the pics to my computer ! Something's wrong.. I read the manuel five times over and then read the downloaded manuel that came with the FinePix program. No luck. It's kind of making me upset. Cause I know when I ask Pim to help me set it up he's gonna be all like "oh you don't know anything!" and blah blah blah. Sorry I'm not a computer genius, it's not like I fix computers for a living. -.-;; Oh! Ben got me the Maroon 5 CD. I actually like it a lot! I was surprised, it was better than I expected. And that was actually the last thing I expected to get cause Rachel actually had it on her list but I guess the songs aren't really for a 12 year old. Some of them anyway. He liked the Akira manga that I got him though. ^_^ I was so happy. I thought he'd be really "...wtf is this ? >.>" but no he was like "Hey cool it's the Akira story ! xD" and Pim was like "Now see, that is a gift with some thought behind it." Then they got into an argument. [rolls eyes] Nothing new. I got two framed poster paintings. We saw them at the Fort Worth museum when we were down in Texas. I like one of them but the other is sort of "eehh.." It's just a huge painting that's a puke green color that's dark at top and fades down to the bottom and then off center there's a rather small jar of olives falling. o_0 It's a strange painting, and the puke green isn't really something I wanna see in my room everyday I come in here. I'll put it up anyway though cause Cim's so oversensitive she'll be all huffy about it if I don't. I also got a giant [and I mean giant] duffle bag. I'll never lack space for packing clothing on trips again. And it's black and purple [purple!!]. I also got a lavender colored bathrobe. It's all soft and fuzzy and stuff. I'll probably rarely wear it cause eh.. I don't really go around wearing nothing. Oo;; Pim was like "Now you guys won't go running around naked." Couple seconds later. "Nobody in this house ever runs around naked." Ok then...
Anyway, going back to listening to my CD now. Can't believe I got up at 5:30. [shakes head] Went to bed too early. I'm hungry though. I'm gonna get some food. [If I can find anything that I'm able to eat.. ~_~;]
One last thing though, I asked a professional astrologer [for free, haha, love the forums] about the placements in my chart [Sun on the cusp, Sun, Moon, Mercury in the 12th House, blah blah blah blah blah] and asked if I would be considered more of a Pisces or an Aquarius [I find I identify more with Pisces--moodiness *shudder*] and she said Pisces, so I'm sort of adopting Pisces as my sun sign even though I'm technically an Aquarius [on the cusp ~_~]. Yeah. It actually made me feel better to be able to do that, just cause I have a real atrologer's input and I can "just do it". ^^;

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Friday, December 24, 2004

Frigid does not go far enough to describe how cold it is ...
Today's low is -5*F and the high is 12*F. The current temperature right now is 1*F. Translation: -5*F=-21*C 12*F=-11*C, 1*F=-17*C.
Merry Christmas Eve anyway though. ^_^; We get presents this evening. I can't get myself excited for it. =/ Maybe that's better, so the anxiety doesn't kill me. ^^; I really don't think we'll go out looking at Christmas lights this year though. I'm sure the roads are still barely driveable and in these temperatures I don't know who would want to go out looking at lights [me ! ^^;].
I almost cried this morning. >< If I had no self control, I'd fall apart everyday. Ever since I started taking 1000MG of that Metphormin EU, I think is what it's called, I can't clear my face up. ;_; And I wanted to look pretty for the Christmas pictures, so I wore some nice clothes and stuff, but I won't be nice for any pictures with a zit right in the middle of my forehead. T_T It's not fair ... I try so hard to take care of my complexion. If only you knew the tedious routine. In the morning, I use Clearesil Acne Fighting Cleansing Wipes, I use Differin to dry out where I'm breaking out, I use this lotion called.. Clindamycin, and then for where ever I'm trying NOT to dry my face out, my dermitologist [sp?] gave me this Olay Complete Defense with UV protection. But it isn't oil free ;_; so I think it really isn't helping with the breaking out thing. The only difference with my evening routine is I don't use the wipes, cause when I shower I use the facial cleanser. I do that everyday and it doesn't seem to help anymore.. [sigh] It's so depressing. Specially since I've been doing this since I was 12. It's almost been 5 years of .. this.
Well, I have to go find a way to warm up. It's absolutely freezing in here. ><

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Thursday, December 23, 2004

Before I forget...!
I made up with my old friend Katie. We got into a fight cause she was trying to preach to me about what I wanted to be when I grew up and stuff and it ticked me off cause I told her to fill her in, she was always saying how she never knows what I'm planning to do because it always changes so I was telling her cause that's what you do with a friend. But anyway, yesterday we talked and made up and I said I was sorry for underestimating our friendship because we've gotten into a lot of fights and seperated and then ended up being friends again. And I owe it all to Harry Potter! HAH! Yes, that's right, Harry Potter. She loaned me her Harry Potter book and I e-mailed her telling her I intended to give it back even though we weren't speaking. So yeah, it sort of went from there. She's changed a lot and it sort of .. vexes me because, she.. I dunno. She says she's a punk and listens to Good Charlotte and all that jazz but.... last time I saw her she was such a preppy person. I'm thinking 'woah, what happened the couple months we haven't talked..?'. I definitely get along with people better in person than I do over the internet, and I don't know why! I just get so easily irritated. Guess cause I don't know how to take what they're saying when I can't hear the attitude in their voice. I need to work on that...

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Happy or sad? I can't decide.
I read something this morning that made me feel a lot better. It gave me a sense of direction. It has to do with Neptune sextile my Ascendant. That's like a double smack in the face now that I think about it since I have Pisces rising [Pisces being ruled by Neptune for those of you who don't know]. Won't get into that too much though, I might lose you in the complexity.. and lose myself somewhere in between as well. Though I don't know who'll be lost first, you or me. o_0 ... Yeeeah.
There almost no presents under the Christmas tree!! How'm I supposed to sneak mine down there and hide them underneath all the other presents if there aren't any presents to hide them under? ~_~; I need to rewrap them though. I decided to abandon my original plan of trying to keep from letting everyone know that I got everyone presents because if I put the ones I have now down there, they'll know it was me because Cim's would be missing. I got her something but it doesn't say "from Santa" on it. o_o It sucks. But at least I get to listen to my Evanescence CD I got to be my present from Santa [that was actually meant to throw them off. It sounds selfish but really! I had to sit there and think about what everybody would know I'd like to get ¬_¬ so I actually kind of wasted the money ... Ah man!] *cough* anyhow. We got like 10" of snow. Well.. that's a lie. We got 8" of snow and 2" of ice. We got the snow all day yesterday and the ice last night. It was raining ice! I took Patch for a short walk this morning and kept sinking in. Since I'm so short, it was about midcalf on me and that wasn't even all the way down. o_O
Oh yes and if I seem out of character today, I'm trying to .. better.. portray myself as I am. It's hard to explain. I guess it's sort of hiding more than anything but... I don't want people to be sad for me. If Natalie knew how sad I was, I'd never forgive myself because I know she'd be sad for me and I don't want her to be sad! Nobody can know. Sshh. Have to keep this hush hush. <.< >.> It's better that way.
I guess my Bakura drawing finally got posted. I'll have to check on it to make sure. Wish I had the energy and inspiration to draw more... But I have painting with Natalie next semester, first period.<3 ^_^ That makes me so happy. I want to send my first painting to Aqua since she got me presents for Christmas but I couldn't afford to get her anything. It'll be tough, because it'll be my first painting, I'll be very attached to it, and it'll have a lot of sentimental value to me, but I know she'll take care of it, and it says a lot more to give her something like that than something that's worth $100. It hurts me even now to think of giving away my first painting. That sounds pathetic, but the only material items I truly value are my art. Whether they be beautiful pictures I've taken, my best drawings or even just my little doodles. They mean more to me than anything else I have because I feel like I put a piece of myself into everything I create. It's so hard to depart with my creations, and I hope people who recieve them understand it, so that they'll value them all the more. I feel like I finally have gotten my depth back. I've felt so shallow for so long, it just took reflecting on my values just for a split moment to remember where my heart is. I guess I owe it all to the people who read my journal.. I would have never thought to think about this if you didn't read and leave comments on my journal. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.<3 The piece of me I thought I lost was merely buried under the superficiality that managed to creep its way into me. I'm so glad I've found myself again. I think I'm going to cry. ^^;; Tears of joy of course, I don't remember when the last time I cried because I was happy was... [sniff]. Man! x_X

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Lazy or just not in the mood..?
I haven't felt like posting lately, just not in the mood to share insights. [I feel sorry for anybody who tries to get close to me, they'll be racking their brains for answers more often than not.] Uh so anyway. I still don't feel like sharing much so I'll do some pointless ranting about .. I dunno. Thoughts, I suppose.
I think people are generally unfriendly these days. I wonder why I have next to no friends at school when I'm really easy to get along with. It just baffles me. But I don't know. It's snowstorming here today. It's 27*F right now. And bleh, I have nothing I really want to say.
For anyone who's interested though, on that site where I took the sorting hat quiz they have Sun sign by Harry Potter house. Fun. I can't decide whether I'm more like the Hufflepuff Aquarian or the Ravenclaw Piscean. Here's the link: http://www.spenecial.com/birdsofafeather/astrology.htm. Enjoy.

PS: The Hufflepuff pic won't show up on my quiz results which sucks but oh well. And I got my Bakura pic finally posted. Bleh.

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Ohh look.

Sort Me!

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