Monday, December 20, 2004

200 Total Visits: That's reason enough to post.
While I don't have long to give an overview of the day [which I might do later] since I have to go to the mall [bleh] I'll just say, woohoo for 200 Total Visits. Thank you, thank you.

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Sunday, December 19, 2004

Just For The Record...
...I went from great, to super pissed, to massive depressive in one day. Super pissed to massive depressive within an hour. There's something seriously wrong with that. Bipolar much?

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Sleep sucks.
I took like a half an hour nap and now I feel worse than I did when I actually went to sleep. And as if things weren't stressful enough my retarded Windows Movie Maker WON'T CLOSE!! -_- [throws a continent at it for the second time today] my computer really knows how to piss me off. I'm not sure whether I should commend it for that or throw it out the fucking window! ... I need to chill.
The people I live with put up the Christmas tree. Cim can't decide what to make for dinner and since I can't eat half the things she makes because of all the spices she throws into them and she keeps changing her mind on what she wants to make me but she won't let me make it myself ... Damn woman, and everybody gets mad at me when I can't make up my mind? I fucking wonder why. 'Scuse me, I need to censor this or something. Or something. ~_~ Man. I'm so pissed off. I can't eat anything in this house, so when I'm hungry I can throw every last item out of the pantry and frig from UPSTAIRS AND downstairs, and find nothing. Why can't Cim practice what she preaches? "Oh sugar and carbohydrates are BAD for you, here some poptarts though." ">>;; Thanks Mom..." I can't have sugar -_- MOM. REMEMBER?! Crisis. Maybe I'll punch a few holes in the wall so I can get grounded over the Christmas holiday WHOOPDY-FUCKING-DOO. Giz.
Oh, I forgot to mention, MY DRAWING ISN'T UP YET or at least not that I see. I kind of have a problem with that considering I POSTED IT YESTERDAY... Don't you just love seeing my many faces? I must be like bipolar. Holy shit.

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Snow Day Likely...?
Icey roads + below freezing = snow day. Easy equation, right? Not quite, cause the school board is retarded and is gonna push for a school day even with the roads iced over. Who ever is the head this jury is stupid. I remember the incident last year when they decided to have a school day when the roads were really bad. Our car spun out, a full 360* and rolled backwards into the median. And nobody stopped to check on us... basterds. Can you imagine how that feels? So, if the car would of flipped on its head and we were being crushed, we would of died cause people are assholes. God, don't you love what your creation has become? Or has it always been this way?
I want to make my own mood icons. Perhaps use a little Bakura pixel doll's head. Yay~ or something like that. I'd like to say I have all day to work on it but that'd be a lie. Time isn't what it used to be. To think, in less than 2 months I'll be 17. In less than 1 month, Ben will be 18. I feel like I just turned 16... and here I am, turning 17 almost like a week later. Least that's what it feels like. I still don't know about college but I'd like to get into psychology//mentoring//therapy field. A major in psychology seems like it'd be more appealing than a major in mentoring or counselling [sp?] or whatever, even if I was going to become a counsellor [sp again?].
I've spent like 2 hours on my nails. It's kind of irritating. I still need to paint my right hand. I wish I had money to just got to the salon to get it done. Oh yes, that reminds me. I've learned a lesson from my misencounter with that red-headed kid from way back last year [hah, you weren't expecting that were you]. Never try to impress someone you have a crush on, you're just shooting yourself in the foot [and in the head in my case]. Wonder how the gun went from being pointed at my foot to my head, never quite got how that worked but anyhow. I just painted my right hand, not looking so good, good thing I need to add a second coat, that should fix it.
I added a new drawing to my gallery yesterday. Just a doodle but it's pretty cute. My B looks like an 8 with a line through it, which is what it is pretty much. I still need to eat lunch though, can't do that until I finsh my nails. Bleh. Forgot why I was doing this [heheh, that's sad]. I really need a life.
Oh! Yersterday I watched Raising Helen. That was a good movie! The little girl was soooo cute too, I must of said that like 12 times during the movie. She was adorable! It was a lot better than the commercials made it out to be, I promise you that. Go out and rent it next time you go movie hunting. Speaking of movies though we need to watch Arlington Road still. Now that's a good movie. I'm making Cim and Pim watch it. Mwahaha! I'm evil like that.
I need to check on my little character I created on Millsbury.com, that site is so fun when you're bored out of your mind. She's probably like ... dead. I'm gonna get a screenshot of her for you because I'm generous like that [lol, liar!].

Isn't she beautious? The cap doesn't even cover her hair. What's up with that ?
I need to finish my nails now, maybe I'll write more later.

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Saturday, December 18, 2004

Poems?
I write poems, but I never thought of posting them on here. I did think of an interesting phrase earlier though. "My frown is so heavy, it feels as though my lips should fall off." Kind of odd but I was feeling blue at the moment and it just came to mind.
Here's a poem I wrote a while ago, for anyone who was interested in reading my poems.

Emotional Illness
By Touketsu Gekkou

This pain inside of me
is eating me
and tearing out my heart.
This monster
is devouring me whole,
when will it ever stop,
when can I gain control?

This emotional illness is killin' me,
taking me and trampling my soul.
This emotional illness is gonna be the end of me.
This sickness has no cure,
I'll fight until I lose the will to live,
but after that,
it's the end.

Sometimes I feel so suppressed,
like someone's pushing me into the ground.
These tears are merely just a piece of what I feel,
just a grain among this desert of sand.
This sadness takes me over,
I'll die crying out for help.

This emotional illness is killin' me,
taking me and trampling my soul.
This emotional illness is gonna be the end of me.
This sickness has no cure,
I'll fight until I lose the will to live,
but after that,
it's the end.

No emergency assistance can help me.
No one can save my life anymore.
The time has come for me to let go.
Time for me to move on to the next life
where my heart will once again be whole.

There's a dark cloud raining over me,
covering everything so I can't see.
The river's rising beside me,
drowning me.
Burying me alive.

This emotional illness is killin' me,
taking me and trampling my soul.
This emotional illness is gonna be the end of me.
This sickness has no cure,
I'll fight until I lose the will to live,
but after that,
it's the end.

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Long time no post.
A lot has happened since I last posted. Finals are coming up on Monday and Tuesday, then the semester ends, which means new classes start in January. We're expecting snow though, tomorrow's high is 25*F and the low is 2*F. Monday's high is 25* and low is 17*. I hope we have a snow day so that all our finals will be in one day. I'd prefer that over two three hour periods for the entire day. Talk about killer.
Ben has a girlfriend, Hannah. She's actually in my Government class. She's really nice and sweet and everything but they're really physical and I don't like seeing my brother that way. [shudder] They've been going out for about a month I guess. Not like I know when he officially asked her out. Then there's Josh. I heard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone in the car the other day, he seems like such a sweet guy. He even said "I love you" at the end. I was like "AWW!!!"--in my head of course.
A couple days ago, at the beginning of the month actually, I went over to Britney's house with Catherine and we cleaned her room as a birthday present. Woah, it was a mess. We came back several days later to hang out after school and it was back to every last article of clothing laying on the floor. We mostly talked, Catherine and I watched Oprah while Britney showered, then after that we went to the new Coffee Connection. We walked there. I know if I ever told Cim that she'd murder me. But it was practically right down the road. That place is the best. We were there for like 2 or 3 hours before Catherine's brother, Michael, came to pick her up and take her home. He was working on college papers though so we had Britney's mom take me home. That was one of the funnest days ever ... even though I felt like the third wheel, because Britney and Catherine have been friends forever, and I always somehow get pushed back out of the group. Nothing new to me though.
At school I've started going to lunch with Natalie. Natalie is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. She's such a great friend. I'd hang around her more often if I could but she has a life, unlike me. Starting 3rd period, which we have together, I follow her around like a little puppy dog. I go with her to her locker. Sometimes she comes with me to mine but if everybody's there that day she goes to the cafeteria to save me a seat. I follow her to get her lunch, I never buy anything. Not normally anyway. I did once, heh. Then after the bell rings for 4th, I follow her to her classroom, mine is right down the hall, though I used to go a different way. I still end up in the same place. I'm pretty clingy to her. One day I broke down after school. I wasn't feeling well that day and Britney and Catherine disappeared on me, so I was waiting at the back doors for Ben and Natalie came over and asked if I was alright. I started crying and she consoled me. She later called and said I broke her heart and that she actually started crying too and went off at one of her friends because she was upset that I was upset. Unfortunetly for me, Ben, Josh, Thomas and Jeremy all saw me crying. I walked out the doors where Ben and his little groupee was just staring at me and Natalie like "wth happened??" and he was like "You Ok ?" I just said I was fine and walked past them to the car. Ben kept asking what happened, Thomas kept asking Britney who hadn't any idea that I had cried at all. I never told anybody, and I don't plan to explain why even now.
I find myself to be very strange in the end. I bought everyone a present for Christmas, even myself, and I addressed them to everyone in the family but didn't put who it was from. I even spelt some names wrong, so that nobody would know it was from me. Cim's the only one that knows cause I ordered most of the stuff off Overstock. She better not squeel, or I'll be very put out. I still need to get her present though. I plan to do that when we go out to get her perfume together.. Ben, Pim, Rachel and I. I'm alreading preparing myself for the burning sensation perfume sniffing will do to you. [shudders at the thought].
I have to finishg reading a book about the KKK for US History and fill out a question sheet. Oh Lord. While it's interesting and all, you get to read more detail than necessary which is very different from normal worksheets you get because Mr. Hils will make you write down every last detail in the chapters for regular worksheets, but not for this one. You get like two answers a page? If you're lucky. It's kind of frustrating, it's time consuming busy-work. Like I said, it's interesting and all but getting it done is important, so the second I think of it I get a knot in my chest. Argh. Better go check the forums for a while so I can get started on that. [I don't think I wanna start at 8:47 in the morning you know. Need a little more time to jump in with the flow of the day's current.]
Yesterday at dinner, I was minding my own business eating my noodles you know. Ben and Pim were talking as always, and Pim starts laughing. I look up to see he's laughing at me and I say, "What's so funny??" "Nothing." "No, seriously, what's so funny?" "I'm just watching you, in your own little world eating your little noodles." Yeah he said little noodles and I might of said something about it if my mouth wasn't full. Guess it's true. When you're grown up, you're not much different from how you were as a kid. I spent lunch yesterday reading my Yu-Gi-Oh! Volume 7 which Patrick got for me as a Christmas present. That is the best one hands down. Natalie comes out of the blue and does a lunch punch in my arm and I look up like "huh?" and she was like "There's a punch buggy outside" "Oh. [goes back to reading]"
I'm done now.

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Monday, November 22, 2004

School picture...
I don't have anything from the past many days that I want to share, I will share my school picture. Even though I don't like it. I wear such a convincing mask, don't I?
http://www.geocities.com/aquarian_punk13/untitled1.jpg

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Battle to the Death
I read up some of my aspects. I have a lot of the mental and emotionally negative stresses of Neptune and Pluto. Pluto squares my Moon and my Mercury, which represents emotional scarring and warped mental views. While this is having fun playing on me, Neptune comes along and conjunctions my Saturn. Omg, you gotta read some excerpts I got from this site [which is an awesome site, might I add]:

You question everything and distrust others, although no one can deceive you for long. You're apt to be negative in outlook and subject to moods of depression and futility, often preferring to retreat rather than relate. If afflicted, you can have a morbid imagination or be subject to destructive psychic influences and should avoid drugs or entanglement with psychic forces. If the twelfth house is involved, you may be institutionalized.

As you may know, the twelfth house contains all my personal planets. To make things even more complex, Saturn is in conjunction with my Uranus as well.

This aspect is conducive to serious study of mathematics, science, astrology and occult matters... If afflicted, you alternate between pessimism and unrealistic optimism and between depression and nervous tension.

Bipolar much? I do believe so. I have read though that it takes a lot to overcome a lot of these aspects, but I'm determined that I have to. If I don't, it'll destroy me, and I'm starting to dig for the willpower to continue for the sake of the children I want to adopt someday. Whose lives I'll change for the better. If I'm not here to do it, I know no one else will. I have to stay here for them, if for no one else. I hate how my determination can be fired up and yet smited so quickly. I think I should try to open up ... Maybe even try a relationship. Maybe. I need to find something that makes things better. Problem with me is, I realize I can become co-dependent once I open up to someone. I can be clingy... not to the point of irritation though. If you ask me to go away I'll willingly leave. I just.. urgh.. I don't know. I just wish there was something to make this better. It seems like I started drowning in all these issues at once, and I need to focus at them one at a time. But they're so hard to distinguish from one another.. But at the same time I don't want anybody's help, afraid if I do I will become co-dependent. And once I become attached, I'll become puddy in the hands of the person I got attached to. I'm afraid to let any of this happen, which is why I resist so. I don't know what to do...

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Monday, November 15, 2004

Hello My Immortal
Well. I made myself sick on milkshake again ... I don't know how I keep doing that. Carelessness I suppose. Today Chad told me his grandpa went into a coma on Wednesday and died on Friday or Saturday. He hasn't slept since. Poor Chad ...
I could go for a nap, but I'm afraid if I sleep now I won't sleep tonight. I'll probably end up going to take a nap anyway though.
I think I'm bipolar ... I mean I've had this depression thing going for a LONG time. Like.. 5 years. But yesterday I noted that I went from suicidal mode to crazy happy in .0 seconds. While that's a major exaggeration, my mood did lapse over a half an hour period, and that's being very generous. My parents won't take me to see a doctor though, so I guess I'll never really know.
I was planning to go to Kroger's today to get a cake for extra credit in Geometry. We're learning about circles and it's an easy few extra points. I'm actually finding learning about circles easy and, comparatively speaking, fun to do. But. Anyway. Ben took the car to visit his girlfriend, Hannah. She's really pretty... She's actually the daughter of one of my sister's elementary school teachers from the old private school we went to years ago... the one that shut down. Ben reminds me a lot of Seto Kaiba. Or I guess it'd be Kaiba Seto if I was gonna do it the Japanese way. He's such an ass to people he doesn't like.. but relatively nice to those he doesn't mind. Hahah, it's kind of cute. Lately he's been listening to his usual CDs and all like Marilyn Manson, but he listens to the ones about love. I saw him and Hannah talking earlier while they were walking to the car [I was in the car], it was somewhat unusual. Hannah isn't really shy or anything but she isn't loud either. Catherine says she's really funny, but she seems like a sweet person. I'm still kind of surprised at Ben for getting another girlfriend ... but somehow I'm not. I don't know anymore.

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Sunday, November 14, 2004

Rough Day ...
Wow. As if life wasn't sucking bad enough. I tried to cut my wrist with my razor blade. Unfortunetly, it didn't work.. at all. Then I thought about drowning myself, or at least holding my breath until I passed out.
I made a music video with the song Hello with Bakura Ryu. I showed it to Kamiko and she said it suited him perfectly and then I thought, 'that's sad... since I'm like Ryu's twin.' I'll probably make a new theme for my blog with Hello.

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