Saturday, November 6, 2004

Grazie
First off, I'd like to say thanks for those who commented on my last post. Your support really means something and it's nice to know not all people are completely self-centered. So, thanks. Depression seems to be an epidemic.
I went to Barnes and Noble and the mall with Patrick, Tonya [Patrick's 13 or 14 year old sister] and Tonya's friend Sarah. That was pretty fun. Later at 6:30, Patrick picked me up so the four of us went to the school Talent Show. I'd like to go to sing next year. I'm just not good on stage. It was a great show though. I'm all exhausted. Hah.

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Ranting or ... maybe just complaining.
It is currently 2:25AM. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. My cough is really bothering me. I was visiting the forums, I used to go there regularly, stopped for ... geez, a long time. Several months, maybe longer. Now I went back and.. it's still pretty inactive. I'm disappointed. I'd like to go to some more active forums, but I don't like the idea of being "new" to a forum. I might sign up to a new forum but I'll hesitate to post, unsure of what sort of response I'll get.
[sigh] Yesterday Kamiko got so upset with her situation that she was crying for about an hour all together. Seeing her break like that makes my weak in the knees. Now I feel like she's leaning on me for strength as much as everyone else is, but the only thing from keeping me from breaking is stubborness, I won't give up. Doesn't mean I feel that great though. If I calapse, everyone who's living on my support will fall with me, I couldn't do that to them. But the pressure sometimes makes me tense, I feel like I'll crack. I should like to see myself stay strong, but that's really only a mask hiding severe insecurity. I now realize that. Still, I don't know how to fix it. Depression seems to be becoming a frequent constant again. I don't know if I should be worried. Even though I've gone under so deep that I've had suicidal thoughts, the closest I've gotten to actually going through with them was self-mutilation. Sure, just some scars, just to reflect the surface of what I feel. I don't know why. I don't know.

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Friday, November 5, 2004

Diet Pop
Maybe it's just me, but diet [soda] pop tastes flat. Which is odd cause there plenty of bubbles.
Lately Paul seems more comfortable talking to me. I mean, used to be only if he was talking to Catherine and I was "in" the conversation would he say something to me, but now he'll come out and just say something to me that might of come up with Catherine but isn't like directly related. It's hard to explain. But, after knowing him for, what, six years? It's kind of nice to have him talk to me. It was always sort of awkward around him, because he was Ben's best friend for a long time, but now it's not. Heh, anyway. My cough is murdering me, I have a pain right under my rib whenever I cough. I'm so worn out from frequently coughing. It's not a murderous cough, it's just a frequent cough. It's.. irritating.

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Friday already.
This week has been really short. And I have a test today that I didn't study for. I didn't study to avoid from getting stressed out, cause I probably won't remember a lot of the material thanks to the super long weekend we had.
On a brighter note, I took the last of my antibiotics today. Unfortunetly, I'm not feeling the effects as well as I'd like. I still have an irritating cough and I'm still getting headaches from being so congested. [sniff]
I'm seriously considering becoming a counselor. I really have a knack for it. I'm basically counselling Kamiko through all her relationships, which she just seems to delve into one after the other. Hopefully counseling her now will help her to avoid a brash marriage with someone who might hurt her. That's what I'm hoping ... I do realize, however, that counseling her through all her early relationships also may make her rely on me for complete guidance and make her unable to figure out things herself. That's what I worry about, but I can only do my best for now and see how things work out.

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Thursday, November 4, 2004

Emode Memory Quiz
You remembered 89% of the information in the Memory Test.

But research shows there's a lot you can do to improve your memory. And if you do, it can help you function in more ways than you'd think. There are 6 main types of memory, which help us interpret and store different types of information. You scored highest in spatial memory.

That kind of memory allows you to remember things like the details of an object and how it relates to the space around it — like how furniture is arranged in a room. It also probably helps you picture where you last left your house keys, or recall the location of specific locations — even without a map.

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Paranoia
Today wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Even though I was really grumpy this morning, by the time I got to school and talked to Penny, haha, I love 'er, she's great. But by then I wasn't feeling so crappy anymore. In Geometry I actually talked to people ... people I've never talked to before. Bethany, Alex and Josh. That wasn't so bad.
Do you ever get a strange feeling from the way someone looks at you? Like ... when you're in the back of the crowd and someone seems to care enough to see if you're actually still following and looks over their shoulder to check on you. Maybe I'm just paranoid but I always feel wierd when someone does that, especially someone I don't really know. [shrug]

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Wow. I look like hell ...
As if it wasn't bad enough that I still feel sick as a dog, I only got two hours of sleep last night. I went to bed at 10, fell asleep at about 11, woke up at 1 and have been awake since. I'm staying away from everybody today, I'm in a damned grouchy mood. [mumble] I want to go to sleep so bad... My legs are just aching like hell. Gah. And I have to stand in the ridiculously long line to get my absent note. [shakes head] Ugh. Today is gonna suck.

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