Saturday, November 6, 2004

Ranting or ... maybe just complaining.
It is currently 2:25AM. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. My cough is really bothering me. I was visiting the forums, I used to go there regularly, stopped for ... geez, a long time. Several months, maybe longer. Now I went back and.. it's still pretty inactive. I'm disappointed. I'd like to go to some more active forums, but I don't like the idea of being "new" to a forum. I might sign up to a new forum but I'll hesitate to post, unsure of what sort of response I'll get.
[sigh] Yesterday Kamiko got so upset with her situation that she was crying for about an hour all together. Seeing her break like that makes my weak in the knees. Now I feel like she's leaning on me for strength as much as everyone else is, but the only thing from keeping me from breaking is stubborness, I won't give up. Doesn't mean I feel that great though. If I calapse, everyone who's living on my support will fall with me, I couldn't do that to them. But the pressure sometimes makes me tense, I feel like I'll crack. I should like to see myself stay strong, but that's really only a mask hiding severe insecurity. I now realize that. Still, I don't know how to fix it. Depression seems to be becoming a frequent constant again. I don't know if I should be worried. Even though I've gone under so deep that I've had suicidal thoughts, the closest I've gotten to actually going through with them was self-mutilation. Sure, just some scars, just to reflect the surface of what I feel. I don't know why. I don't know.

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