Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Battle to the Death
I read up some of my aspects. I have a lot of the mental and emotionally negative stresses of Neptune and Pluto. Pluto squares my Moon and my Mercury, which represents emotional scarring and warped mental views. While this is having fun playing on me, Neptune comes along and conjunctions my Saturn. Omg, you gotta read some excerpts I got from this site [which is an awesome site, might I add]:

You question everything and distrust others, although no one can deceive you for long. You're apt to be negative in outlook and subject to moods of depression and futility, often preferring to retreat rather than relate. If afflicted, you can have a morbid imagination or be subject to destructive psychic influences and should avoid drugs or entanglement with psychic forces. If the twelfth house is involved, you may be institutionalized.

As you may know, the twelfth house contains all my personal planets. To make things even more complex, Saturn is in conjunction with my Uranus as well.

This aspect is conducive to serious study of mathematics, science, astrology and occult matters... If afflicted, you alternate between pessimism and unrealistic optimism and between depression and nervous tension.

Bipolar much? I do believe so. I have read though that it takes a lot to overcome a lot of these aspects, but I'm determined that I have to. If I don't, it'll destroy me, and I'm starting to dig for the willpower to continue for the sake of the children I want to adopt someday. Whose lives I'll change for the better. If I'm not here to do it, I know no one else will. I have to stay here for them, if for no one else. I hate how my determination can be fired up and yet smited so quickly. I think I should try to open up ... Maybe even try a relationship. Maybe. I need to find something that makes things better. Problem with me is, I realize I can become co-dependent once I open up to someone. I can be clingy... not to the point of irritation though. If you ask me to go away I'll willingly leave. I just.. urgh.. I don't know. I just wish there was something to make this better. It seems like I started drowning in all these issues at once, and I need to focus at them one at a time. But they're so hard to distinguish from one another.. But at the same time I don't want anybody's help, afraid if I do I will become co-dependent. And once I become attached, I'll become puddy in the hands of the person I got attached to. I'm afraid to let any of this happen, which is why I resist so. I don't know what to do...

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