Thursday, December 23, 2004

Happy or sad? I can't decide.
I read something this morning that made me feel a lot better. It gave me a sense of direction. It has to do with Neptune sextile my Ascendant. That's like a double smack in the face now that I think about it since I have Pisces rising [Pisces being ruled by Neptune for those of you who don't know]. Won't get into that too much though, I might lose you in the complexity.. and lose myself somewhere in between as well. Though I don't know who'll be lost first, you or me. o_0 ... Yeeeah.
There almost no presents under the Christmas tree!! How'm I supposed to sneak mine down there and hide them underneath all the other presents if there aren't any presents to hide them under? ~_~; I need to rewrap them though. I decided to abandon my original plan of trying to keep from letting everyone know that I got everyone presents because if I put the ones I have now down there, they'll know it was me because Cim's would be missing. I got her something but it doesn't say "from Santa" on it. o_o It sucks. But at least I get to listen to my Evanescence CD I got to be my present from Santa [that was actually meant to throw them off. It sounds selfish but really! I had to sit there and think about what everybody would know I'd like to get ¬_¬ so I actually kind of wasted the money ... Ah man!] *cough* anyhow. We got like 10" of snow. Well.. that's a lie. We got 8" of snow and 2" of ice. We got the snow all day yesterday and the ice last night. It was raining ice! I took Patch for a short walk this morning and kept sinking in. Since I'm so short, it was about midcalf on me and that wasn't even all the way down. o_O
Oh yes and if I seem out of character today, I'm trying to .. better.. portray myself as I am. It's hard to explain. I guess it's sort of hiding more than anything but... I don't want people to be sad for me. If Natalie knew how sad I was, I'd never forgive myself because I know she'd be sad for me and I don't want her to be sad! Nobody can know. Sshh. Have to keep this hush hush. <.< >.> It's better that way.
I guess my Bakura drawing finally got posted. I'll have to check on it to make sure. Wish I had the energy and inspiration to draw more... But I have painting with Natalie next semester, first period.<3 ^_^ That makes me so happy. I want to send my first painting to Aqua since she got me presents for Christmas but I couldn't afford to get her anything. It'll be tough, because it'll be my first painting, I'll be very attached to it, and it'll have a lot of sentimental value to me, but I know she'll take care of it, and it says a lot more to give her something like that than something that's worth $100. It hurts me even now to think of giving away my first painting. That sounds pathetic, but the only material items I truly value are my art. Whether they be beautiful pictures I've taken, my best drawings or even just my little doodles. They mean more to me than anything else I have because I feel like I put a piece of myself into everything I create. It's so hard to depart with my creations, and I hope people who recieve them understand it, so that they'll value them all the more. I feel like I finally have gotten my depth back. I've felt so shallow for so long, it just took reflecting on my values just for a split moment to remember where my heart is. I guess I owe it all to the people who read my journal.. I would have never thought to think about this if you didn't read and leave comments on my journal. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.<3 The piece of me I thought I lost was merely buried under the superficiality that managed to creep its way into me. I'm so glad I've found myself again. I think I'm going to cry. ^^;; Tears of joy of course, I don't remember when the last time I cried because I was happy was... [sniff]. Man! x_X

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