Wednesday, February 23, 2005

A Need for Divine Intervention
Well. Life sucks. We all already knew that. So the highlight of the day wasn't a good one, but I do remember it. Lindsay, a girl in my painting class, was saying how her boyfriend's mom was kicking her out of the house because she spent the day with her mom the other day. So life is sucking for Lindsay and she's like, "What am I gonna do?" and Patrick, the fucking asshole, says, "If I were Lindsay, I would just kill myself." He went to the back to clean his water out and stuff and Lindsay was like, "I can't believe he said that. That's like going up to your friend and telling them to shoot themselves." I was like, "I know, I'm gonna go talk to him." So I go back there and I'm like, "Patrick, why're you being such a jerk? Why did you say that?" And he was just all, "That's just what I do." I was like "NO! That's NOT what you do! That's not how you treat your friends!" He just shrugs, I was like, "NO you don't just shrug either, you either stop it and keep your mouth shut or stop being a jerk." I totally went off on him. After class when Patrick and Lindsay had left, Sara came over, she was sitting at the computer behind us while I told Patrick off was like, "That was great, it took everything I had not to just burst into laughter, I was like 'YEAH!!'" Somebody finally told him, and I swear, I'm not putting up with his shit anymore. That is not the way you treat people, especially not your friends. What I don't understand is, why is it that people who treat their friends that way still have friends, then people like me who have some real morals about friendship don't have any? I don't get that.
Anyway. Yesterday I finally decided I'm going to get help, or at least talk to the doctor. Whether it's depression or bipolar, I think it's bipolar really, bipolar II to be exact, I'm gonna go get a doctor's appointment to fix this. Well, not fix it but, do what I can to make it better. Even if nothing does any good I can say I tried, which is a lot better than sitting back and watching my life waste away to nothing. I have 3 people who can vouche for the extremety of my moods and mood swings, and that's enough evidence for me that I need to get help before I go suicidal again. I finally see I don't have to live a life in hell, I don't have to live my life suffering. There are things I can do to improve my life, and dammit, I'm gonna do what I can... if I ever get the courage to ask for a doctor's appointment about it. [sigh] Well, I'm getting an oppurtunity now to talk to Cim one-on-one about it so [crosses fingers] here goes everything.

PS: I forgot to mention I was going to talk to my other doctor first, the one who gave me the metformin to take about it. That's sort of an essential detail because well, until I talk to her there's not much I can do.

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