Sunday, March 20, 2005

A Great Thing
I've been reading a book, called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, which is really good, by the way, for anyone who needs some help. And yeah, it's helped me a lot, or at least opened my eyes better, especially in the area that's troubling me most lately. Ever since I've started socializing more, with Natalie around and everything, I've felt more flawed and more compelled to be perfect, which is something the book talked about. I hate being called sensitive but most of the things in the book which dealt with problems the HSP [Highly Sensitive Person] deals with reflected much of my own problems and such. It's also made me realize why I can see myself falling into an abusive relationship, I don't know why I ever thought of it but apparently it's something that happens often to HSPs because they need someone to attach themselves to or something.. which would also explain why if someone isn't tied to my hip I feel alone and abandoned. Course, nobody's ever been tied to my hip, so I've always felt alone. It's so complicated.. and I hate it.. but might as well deal with it. I'm trying, I really am. This relapse of depression though hasn't helped, that and yesterday I felt truly psychotic ... like, I was looking at this picture of Bakura stabbed hand just bursting with blood and him looking insane, laughing, and stuff and I felt like that could be me. I almost scare myself sometimes and yet I don't because I'm like "it's just me..." That sounds strange but ... I think I really need to see a doctor or something. Even Patrick mentioned he noticed my mood swings and such shit and I was like, "Great, so it's broken through my mask..." which is obviously a bad sign. I'm gonna talk to Cim about it. I want help before it kills me. It isn't something worth dying over and there's so much good I still want to do for the world, psychotic or not at least my heart is good, though scenes of grusome murder may be appealing or even severe self-mutilation [which I would do before murdering someone else but one thing always leads to another], my heart has a disposition of its own. It's kind of like... mmmm.. like it's a person of its own. Like, there's three people living in me. My heart, my mind and me [which I guess is a mix of the two]. Wow, that sounds like split-personalities that're aware of one another .. [shudder]. I disturb myself more and more .. and now I'm almost at a loss ... I wish I could talk to someone about it but the more I think about it the more I just want to hide it. I'm always running away. [sigh] What to do ...

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