Thursday, April 7, 2005

I've been alone for so long, I forget how to be around people anymore.
Well. Pim totally went off on me during dinner. "You have the worst disposition I've ever seen." "No wonder nobody wants to be around you." "You always look so damn miserable, do you just like being miserable?!" That's what he said ... All I have is my thoughts of Bakura. He's all I have. Pim wants to make me go to church, he says I'm too inward and I need somebody to talk to about things more. I argued I get out a lot more than I used to... but people don't change, and that rule applies to me as well. I'll never change. I'll always be the miserable loner, who seems like she has all the friends in the world, just such a happy person ... Then when people try to see beyond that, they see the screwed up side of me. Then they know it's all a facade. What can I do with a facade? Nothing. Just keep showing it. Why wear my misery on my sleeve? Why show everyone I cry? Every night. Every day of my life. All I know is how to be sad. I forget ... what's it like to really be happy? Was I ever actually happy? Wouldn't I be better off dead? Why do I keep hoping that the grass will be greener on the other side, after all the hills I've traveled across, only to find they're all the same? Why do I keep wishing and hoping for that? Things never change. People never change. I won't ever change. Life won't ever change ...

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