Friday, April 8, 2005

Hello, I'm the lie.. living for you so you can hide... don't cry..
Getting up in the mornings is becoming the hardest part of my day. The only reason I got up this morning was because of physical pain. My stomach was hurting [and I still don't know why] and the skin on my face is so dry, I can't yawn without grimacing in pain. I basically fall out of bed. I thought things were supposed to get better from here...
While I was at grandma's house, I had a lot of time to think.. well, I always have a lot of time to think, but it provoked me to discuss with Ichi [my alter ego, who I named from the quiz I think is on display down below] other topics. Because Ben is going out with Hannah and... grandma [both of them, great grandma and just grandma] asked about her and how she was doing and.. such. In short, I came to the conclusion I'll never have a boyfriend. Even though I'm 17, I don't feel that I'm ready. I think I'm... insecure. How can I ever ask someone else to love me when I'll never learn to love myself? It would be unfair to ask of anyone. That, and I can't imagine anyone could love me anyway. I have too many problems, I don't think I'd be high-maintenance but, there's too much the other person would have to learn to deal with. It's like everything with me is wrong. I always pondered about the whole getting married ordeal after playing Harvest Moon. It's like .. the character never really changes. In A Wonderful Life, I got married to Nami [who.. reminds me of me really] and she still does the same things. She'll wander off in the middle of the day without you ever knowing. Sometimes she won't return til after you've already gone to bed. It doesn't bother me, but I'd be the same way if I got married. I don't think I could change for someone to adjust to being so committed. Not that I don't want to commit, I just don't know. I wish I could put it into words... Lastly, while sex shouldn't be part of a relationship [in my opinion--at least until after marriage], it always is. Without sex I don't think any guy would care to stick around just because, not necessarily that he's shallow or anything but... it's just human nature. That's how we were made to function. I have this irrational fear of sex. But even though admitting it's irrational, it doesn't make me any less afraid of it. I think it stems from being told sex is wrong. All I can ever remember being told by Cim [who was in charge of me and telling me how to go about my love life, Pim was the one who talked to Ben about it] is that sex is bad and it's like that's all she ever said about it. Maybe she didn't, but the way she treated it made it sound like a bad thing. I'd always carry around the heaviest bag of guilt you'd ever see if I even dared to go down that road with anyone. Surly, that does anything but help my irrational fear. So, with relationships out of the picture, I'm pretty much doomed to live the loneliest life in the universe... not that I wasn't doomed to do so from the very beginning. I think I'm jynxed or something.. I was jynxed at birth. Or something ... It doesn't bother me most of the time, but sometimes it eats away at me like starving dogs to a slice of meat. Or something like that..

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