Saturday, April 9, 2005

Taking a nose dive...
Somehow I managed to sleep only roughly 3 hours last night. It seems everything is spiraling in a downward direction. If it's not my mood, it's my sleep hours. I'm not even gonna bother hoping I'll sleep more in the future, just because I'm nearing the end of the teen years so things are supposed to start getting better now. Well, they're only getting worse.
So I got that easel from grandma, I'd love to go out to the park with a canvas and my paints and paint what I see... Like in the movies and books and everything that isn't real! I'm such a hopeless romantic sometimes, it makes me sick. It'd be a good way to enjoy the weather but.. I'd never be allowed to go to the park alone. I'm so chained up... Even if it's meant for my own good, it certainly isn't doing me any good. I begin to worry that when I finally get to go out into the world, I'll be sitting in my little corner shaking like a leaf. Hell, I'm 17 and I'm afraid to even date [that's pretty pathetic...] and go out to prom and things like that. There has to be something wrong with that... I'm trying real hard to make peace with myself though, and accept my oddball personality for all it's worth [which I usually feel is nothing...] but I keep fighting with myself. It's a battle no one can intervene in because it's not only internal, but so internally deep, it's so far beyond reach somewhere in that dark void of a being I am... Yet it feels so close to the surface, I can suffer physical pain from it. It's so wierd... Why am I so wierd? I'm always seeing these animé shows with these misunderstood characters and sometimes I feel like I'm staring at my own reflection, but at the same time.. there so many people who say they feel the same way even when you watch them and ask them how that could be. Am I just one of those people who thinks they feel that way? Or can I truly identify with those characters? I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. If only answers were easier to get, I wouldn't have to go in circles asking myself, over and over and over again. But, that'd be too easy wouldn't it....
PS: Ok I got the background on there and I got the properties fixed as well. Thanks for the help, guys.

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