Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Still sinking. . .
Natalie was talking about Dalhi today in Painting class, you know the artist? I wasn't ever so fond of his work, just because it's extremely bizarre. She read some explanations about some of his paintings, come to find they're all about symbolism rather than just being strange. He's an interesting painter, I myself would have gone about it a bit differently but ... I can sort of identify with him. He got married and everything, which I know I won't ever, but he was afraid to have sex. And he never did, I guess. Women would be much more understanding about that than a man would be. I wish I was a man. I never really told anybody of my fear, but I told Lindsay today because we were discussing relationships and stuff. She's engaged, she's getting married not next December, but the December after. She has a dress and everything. It wouldn't be accurate to say I am envious, but there's something remotely close to that feeling that I do have. I don't know what you would call it though, maybe it just makes me sad. It's funny how I've known for forever that I'd never marry, somehow it still disappoints me sometimes though. What's so appealing about being married anyway? For me, I guess, it's the fact that there'd always be somebody there for me, something I've never had. Something I've probably always wanted, and needed even. Yet something that was always so far out of reach, I've stopped running toward it. I guess when it comes down to it, it's very simple. And yet when it comes to the emotional complexity ... nothing is ever simple. I don't know what I'll do. And at the same time I'm still fighting with myself. I don't know how I'll ever be fixed, I've been broken so long, I've lost fragments of myself while I stumbled along the dreary path I've been wandering down all my life. I can't go back to pick them up... Should I remain so empty in place of those pieces, or search for something to replace them? Would I be better off leaving it alone? That's how I think, but certainly not how I feel. I don't think I'll ever know...

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