Thursday, December 16, 2004

Stories in my head.
I noticed that I make up stories in my head. I make conflicts. Characters are played by the people that I know. Some of these stories that I make in my head are sad. Some of them are happy. I almost never finish these stories that I make up. I usually fall asleep or have to be woken out of the state that I was in. Everything a person says to me or what I hear, I think about.It doesn't matter how much I try not to think about it, I always see the mental image. Sometimes the mental images disgust me. I try to stay away from the people who piss me off or the people who I don't get along with. Just some of these people, I have to be around. Some of these people I have to learn to trust. Or atleast get along with. But I don't want to. Sometimes I can't even talk, I'm so angry. I try to speak but nothing comes out. And then I cry. Having to think about the things that have happened to me, I don't think is right. I try to think that I won't make the same mistakes that my parents made. I try to think that my life will be perfect. I'll be with the person I love and trust and I'll be just fine. But I know this is not all true. What if I never find the right person for me. What if I get married to someone that I will grow to hate. And then I'll the same mistake my dad made. I get so wrapped up in the feelings and emotions that come over me that I don't want to express what I really feel. I just put on this horrible smiling face that I wear and go out through my day like nothing is going to screw up my life. My friends, they have these same masks. You would never tell by the way some of my friends look. They look so happy on the outside. What could possibly be wrong with them? What could possibly be wrong with me? Someone, please tell me. Please.
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