Thursday, March 30, 2006

OMG! Haven't updated in like, ever

Wow it has been awhile. Someone posted I should update more and I thought the only person who read my journal was chocobo_gene and he stopped updating in December and this site brought bad memories so... yeah. Also my co-workers (now ex-coworkers) discovered it at the time and exposed my sexuality at work... charming.

So yeah, life is interesting now. I'm now in Louisville, KY of all places and trying to find my way. I've been couch surfing and have yet to find a place of my own... or a job of my own. Also, my car was totalled.... my beautiful Celica:

So that's REALLY sad. Well I thought maybe I'll try that whole UK thing again. Unfortunately back then I was a total asshole and ruined my chances of making it easy. Chocobo_Gene (Richard) had offered me a place to stay while I was there and help finding a job and all but I blew that out of the water with my insecurity. So now I'm having to find other means. I have several reasons for wanting to go to the UK:
1. It's been my dream to go for the past three years... I love the culture, the people, and most of all, the music.
2. I have quite a few friends there... unfortunately not friends who have a place for me to stay.
3. I don't think I can move on until I hold Richard in my arms and tell him how horrible I've felt and how sorry I am.

#3 is a long story and it's not for this journal, but it does still pain me what happened to us.

Anyways, I'm really needing friends now and if you live in the UK, then I really need you XD Just wanted to let everyone know I'm still alive and yes, the picture above is recent.
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Sunday, November 6, 2005

In Florida now

Hi all. I haven't updated in a long time so I feel I must. I'm sure there are so many people who check my site daily to see if so.

The lack of updating is due to a coworker at a former job pulling up this and showing everyone in the office... thank you for that. So I was hesitant on updating it while I still had the job at that place.

Well I decided that going to England with very little money and no plans and no place to stay (due to staying at Richard's fell through) I decided I did have to make a change so I moved to Florida... Orlando specifically. It was a long drive due to avoiding the flood so it was expensive but I'm glad to be out of my mom's house... and with someone else's. But soon, I'll have my own place... with a roommate though. But I will be independent soon, I swear XD

One thing that strongly made me comfortable in moving here was a job offer at an environmental company but once I got here they told me that they never really offered me the job and I have to wait till Monday until I know anything about it since the hiring manager is out of town. So hopefully I'll have that, and be okay.

So to anyone who's been following the drama between me and Richard, we broke up and I haven't spoken to him in over a month. I'm back with Sekioh now (being in Florida, it's easier) but no, he doesn't have an account here. If anyone has heard from Richard let me know. The last thing I knew he was doing well... wasn't good.

As for Europe that's on hold right now. I need to get a job and put away much more money. I was sloppy with my money before and couldn't go and that was probably one of the main reasons. I might go next year though. Maybe the exchange rate will get better.... LOL! Yeah, no, it won't. I can dream though.

I'll post more later. Thanks for reading.
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Wednesday, August 3, 2005

And when it's all clear on what to do... BAM!
I don't get it... I'm hurting so much. Richard told me last night that his dad is acting very unsure in me coming over. On top of that, I had a hard conversation with Evelyn. After being with her for 5 years, it makes it hard to just leave her behind like that. I'm still holding old grudges on her for things she's done in the past and recently, I've done no better. I just can't feel that spark anymore, and I also suspect I'm full-on gay. I just hate that I've been hurting her so much. After I had finally made up my mind and gotten on the track to going to Europe, all this is thrown in my face and it tears me apart. I am so lost right now, I don't know where to go...
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Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Emotional night
Well every once in awhile you'll read an upset post on here. Why? Because this is a journal and I treat it like one, not like a friend's gathering place.

So I was talking to Richard last night and this I would have to say was one of our worst conversations... it sucked, I need to call him some time since communication over the phone is much easier. He said one line to me that just really upset me and kind of drove the entire conversation. I'm like that... if someone upsets me with one thing, then everything they say is wrong because I'm still upset about the one thing. Anyways, he told me that at times he would want time with his friends without me... that just really tore me up. Here we haven't even met yet and he's already talking like we're seeing too much of each other? And besides, he's seen his friends before but not me. He always acts like he's so lonely and bored too. I told him before this conversation that I already had several friends in the UK and other countries in Europe (including some famous trance producers/djs) and that I would never exclude him from parts of my life and make them joint friends. If one of my friends doesn't like Richard, screw them. I'm not going to hurt the one I love for the sake of some friend's feelings. So as you may have guessed, the conversation went sour really quickly, but it was mostly on my part. I feel bad for hurting him, but I was hurt too and I wasn't sure if he understood that I am changing my entire world for a chance with him... I've always loved europe but he's my incentive in getting off my arse and going. I'm really ambitious at getting jobs and making money, but I'm not ambitious in changing my life for the better, except for now.

I learned awhile ago that the only way to find true happiness is to take risks... that's why I love the anime Wolf's Rain so much (besides Toboe, lol). That Kiba never gave up and was seeking what he thought was his destination. There was NO logic to it at all, and yet that wasn't a factor to him.

Sometimes you just have to go with your heart and not make decisions out of fear. A decision made out of your fear for something will never work out. This I have proven true many times.

Well today I'm going to try to get my visa and buy the plane tickets... welp, this is it *gulp*
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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Finally, some good news
First off, my Toboe Shrine website is coming along great! I almost have all my PHP scripts working and then I just need to get my screenshots uploaded, fanart organized, fan fiction acquired, etc. When it's up, it will be here:
http://toboe.co.uk

Also, I finally found a way to get cheap plane tickets to the UK and be able to still have my luggage space! I should be able to get a ticket for around $500 right in the area I need to be. Wow it's getting so close, it's exciting. Just my mom is on me about sorting out debts htat I have in the states but to's clean up 5 years of mistakes in a month's time won't be easy at all. But either way, I'm going up mid-August. I hope everyone is ready for me =)
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Toboe Which Wolf's Rain character are you?

Which Wolf's Rain Character are you?

Toboe. He's not the most macho, but his innocent, sweet nature makes you feel secure and loved as if you are the only preson in the world. Your Eternal Wolf's Rain Mate Is...(only ladies need apply)