Friday, July 8, 2005

   Lost...
We have a direct line to the internet at work now so I am able to post again on occassion. Since this line is only for testing purposes =P

I have not been doing well lately... just last night I was doing a post in here and the to power went out. I was working on something for my boyfriend Richard (Chocobo_Gene) and I just started crying. I then remembered his website and I haven't been to MyOtaku in awhile. I went to read his journal to hopefully read some comforting words, only to find myself not mentioned at all... but he kept talking about his other friends and how awesome they are and how he's always out at night and spending the night with him and how he should be home more often... from what I've been told is that his friends are mean to him and he's so lonely and feels deserted most of the time. Last night he was talking to me about that and then about us being together in the UK. My original thought is that I would move in with him and his family for 2-3 months, paying 20 pounds a week (which is an awesome deal), then me and him would get a flat together in Bradford, or another city, such as Manchester, where he would then attend a university and possibly me too. But he started talking like this wouldn't be possible... that he'd probably end up in student housing and me on my own. From the looks of it... I'd have to move out of his place in 2-3 months and then have to find my own place alone and then sadly watch as he moves to another city because I'm stuck in a lease. I'm 23 and really want to settle down. My life has been hectic and I'm tired of feeling lost. I thought I finally knew where my home was... until now. Last month didn't go so well either.



Yup... that Accord there used to be my car. On my way to pick up a friend from his job at Wal*Mart at night going down FM 969 (4 lane farm road) in Manor the light turned yellow and I decided to go ahead and go through it. I saw a motor home go through it but when it cleared, I went through the intersection. Unfortunately, I soon saw a Jeep Grand Cherokee in my windshield. It was being towed by the motor home and the Jeep had no tow lights on it or even hazard lights so I didn't see it at all. Of course I walked out of my car crying thinking I killed someone seeing that overturned jeep. I was happy to find out no one was in it. And now my charming insurance company is saying the accident is 100% my fault. They won't even fight for me! So never get Esurance... ever, lol. They are evil. I'm having to get a lawyer to get this all sorted because I suck at this kind of thing. If it does come out my fault, my policy won't cover the SUV and I'll be in debt $25,000. That will be fun!

Oh and today I got a certified letter from my student loan company saying I've defaulted, and they're going to garnish my wages unless I come up with a payment plan within 30 days.

So right now? I'm not doing too well. I don't know where to go from here... I'm still waiting on my passport (it's been 4 weeks already) and I emailed the British Embassy about what visa to get yesterday... but now I'm doubting everything. With the way Richard has talked lately to me and in his journal just... something seems missing. I don't know what to make of things now. I'm just so crushed. To think you have everything so nicely planned out and then oops, it's not that way anymore. God this happens to me a lot... Well, I need to get back to work. Thanks for reading my rant.

Bonita - The Way
Lost in my mind
Don't want to lose my self control
I need a sign
Something to tell me I will survive
In darkness I cannot see... see...
I have faith
I do believe
I am strong
I'll find the way
Show me the way
Show me the truth
Take away the pain I'm in
Satisfy me deep within
Pull me with love
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