Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Emotional night
Well every once in awhile you'll read an upset post on here. Why? Because this is a journal and I treat it like one, not like a friend's gathering place.

So I was talking to Richard last night and this I would have to say was one of our worst conversations... it sucked, I need to call him some time since communication over the phone is much easier. He said one line to me that just really upset me and kind of drove the entire conversation. I'm like that... if someone upsets me with one thing, then everything they say is wrong because I'm still upset about the one thing. Anyways, he told me that at times he would want time with his friends without me... that just really tore me up. Here we haven't even met yet and he's already talking like we're seeing too much of each other? And besides, he's seen his friends before but not me. He always acts like he's so lonely and bored too. I told him before this conversation that I already had several friends in the UK and other countries in Europe (including some famous trance producers/djs) and that I would never exclude him from parts of my life and make them joint friends. If one of my friends doesn't like Richard, screw them. I'm not going to hurt the one I love for the sake of some friend's feelings. So as you may have guessed, the conversation went sour really quickly, but it was mostly on my part. I feel bad for hurting him, but I was hurt too and I wasn't sure if he understood that I am changing my entire world for a chance with him... I've always loved europe but he's my incentive in getting off my arse and going. I'm really ambitious at getting jobs and making money, but I'm not ambitious in changing my life for the better, except for now.

I learned awhile ago that the only way to find true happiness is to take risks... that's why I love the anime Wolf's Rain so much (besides Toboe, lol). That Kiba never gave up and was seeking what he thought was his destination. There was NO logic to it at all, and yet that wasn't a factor to him.

Sometimes you just have to go with your heart and not make decisions out of fear. A decision made out of your fear for something will never work out. This I have proven true many times.

Well today I'm going to try to get my visa and buy the plane tickets... welp, this is it *gulp*
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