Tuesday, August 17, 2004

   sorry.
As of tonight I have split up with my boyfriend of over six months. There are numerous reasons, none are anyones fault... but there will be some posts missing for my own sanity. Sorry if I don't feel like posting a long message.
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Thursday, August 5, 2004

   WTF?
WHY THE HELL ARE THERE LINKS IN MY POSTS TO ADS? OTAKU WTF?
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   hihihihihihihihihi
Hey everyone.
I’m not going to try and make this too long, but I haven’t posted in a bit. People are starting to be mad @ me lol. Well, top on the list of news is that last Monday I had my eighteenth birthday, which went off well. Chris came over for dinner, ad Crystal stopped by, and most of the neighborhood was outside with us when we locked ourselves in Crystal’s van to listen to Linkin Park and Evanescence. Ah well. It was a good time, and I got some pretty cool presents. The only downfall now is that my parents are still Nazis and I have no insurance, and no one is hiring right now. No job, no place, no insurance, and psycho parents. Yay. Oh well, I’ll live. Went out for lunch w/ Crystal the other day, and nearly smoked myself to death because of the constant bitch bitch moan moan syndrome in my house. LEAVE ME ALONE DAMMIT!!!! ~pants~ I’m ok now, have to deal with some issues tho. I can tell the stress is getting to me, cuz I was playing with my daggers and cut my knuckle for fun. For those of you who are unfamiliar to my old ways, I promised some people I wouldn’t do that anymore, and now I have people calling me every ten minutes cuz Crystal saw it, and no one wants me to off myself. ~mutters~ I’m having my soul sucked out thru the phellytone. Haven’t done much lately. I plan on going to Leslie’s for a party on Saturday, then clubbing on Saturday night (I might get my tattoo!) and possibly going to the Luis Palau thing on Sunday, which will be fun, cuz Chris is driving (good god help us all, and as for the rest of you, avoid the sidewalks.) I’m having my independent moment, so that means hard times head for people who know me personally. If you know my boyfriend, you may want to offer him your sympathies, lol. Anyway, I’m going to stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into a vegetative state. Wish me luck lol. TTYL
~heather
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Tuesday, June 29, 2004

   UGH
Hey all.

Just another day in the fucking paradise that is my life. Right now I’m just pissed, which will promptly lead to being upset (part anger and part sadness) to sadness, to depression, to pure and unadulterated self loathing. Call me crazy, but, oh wait. I am.

You know, it’s not like my family had any choice in the matter of moving. I know most of u would probably find a lot of my situation an amusing redneck joke, but hey, whatever. The point is, my family used to live on a dairy farm in southern Wisconsin. It was my great-grandfather’s farm on my step dad’s (the guy I call dad) side, and I grew up there. Most of my life I was a country girl. And I loved it. Huge spaces, privacy... You name it.

But it didn’t work out. And thirteen years of struggling on a farm ended with an auction, a lot of arguments, and tons of hurt feelings. Then we moved to the suburbs. For a while I was uncomfortable. Now living here is one of the highlights in my life. I’m almost eighteen years old, and a total black sheep in my family anyway. You’d think that my decision to be happy about where I am would make my parents happy. Hell no. Now it’s Heather is such a bad person because she wants to stay here. You know what? Fuck you. God, their whole attitude sucks. They hate this place, and because they haven’t looked at it in any good way, they always will. I have friends, a life, a boyfriend I love, so why the hell would I want to stay? So yeah that was the dinner conversation tonight. Noting like being the collective freak of the house, not to mention my extended family as well.

I was looking at a photo album that my grandmother (my dads side) made for one of my younger sisters, and I sort of watched myself slip away from them as the years went by. First it was just the look, the faraway eyes of someone who didn’t quite belong there. Then it was the way I stood apart, just a step further from everyone else. Then finally and still, it’s a mix of the look, the distance, and the image. I’m so different from all of them. My mother won’t let me contact my birth father’s family until I’m eighteen, and I know my real dad hit her around. I get that’s a hard thing to let go. I let someone beat me around almost all my life, and had a boyfriend stab me and hit me too. I just wish I could see why I’m so strange to them, like maybe there’s a key to my distance. I kind of laughed off my mom’s comment about her co-workers saying that I looked sneaky and conniving in some of my pictures from graduation. Convenient, considering she and my father tell their friends what an evil little bitch I am all the time. Those people don’t know me from Jack, and if they did, I’d still stand there and yell fuck the world to their faces. Notice they probably haven’t heard about my dad sending me to the hospital, or my mother not letting me go to my senior prom. Wow, imagine that.

I don’t know. Everything seems so twisted up all of a sudden. ~sigh~ And I, as always, will deal.

Until the next post.
Love
~heather
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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

   OMFG Long post, sorry ^.^
Hey guys…
Settling down to a quiet evening with a new box of gobstoppers and a Diet Pepsi and the otaku. Ah, could be worse. Could be not talking about the absolutely KICK ASS day at Valley Fair with my incredibly wonderful gorgeous sweetheart of a boyfriend and his friends. ~sighs happily~ ok. Will start from the beginning.
Well, Monday morning around eight thirty, I called the previously mentioned love of my life, and learned that Jeanette (one of our mutual buds) had set my boyfriends birthday cake on fire, so Brian (one of our drivers, and my ride) didn’t have to stop and pick it up. At nine I was picked up and treated Brian to Caribou (our local coffee shop), after which we went to go pick up Lee. He gave us directions to get to his old hometown to pick up another two buddies, Shawn and Chris, whom I was nervous to meet for the first time. On the ride to pick up the other Sean, I was comforted to realize that they, like my other friends, are total perverts and didn’t hate me. Of course then, after telling Brian where to go, Lee tried to get us lost until I told him to can it and then directed our poor driver to the correct place.
After getting all of our people, we somehow managed to et back to Lee’s alive, where we hung out and waited for the other guests, ( Mandi, and Jeanette) who hung out when they got there. They left early with Shawn and Chris, and later Brian, Lee, Sean, and myself left, getting hopelessly lost in the process. We (finally) made it, greeting our deranged friends, who the promptly split up once more in the same groups we had driven with. We spent the next few hours together, myself being the group wuss, refusing to go on anything much taller than myself. And, in defense of my own case, I am clinically diagnosably acrophobic, AKA severe fear of heights. We later met up with Grant (monevthegale on buds list) and Dale (TheHurricane on buds list), the latter of the two leaving around 5:30.
Probably around 8:15, Lee managed to get me onto the fairly large roller coaster called the Excaliber, which got me on this adrenaline kick of absolutely loving it, and we went consecutively 3 times, ending with us in the front car. Very cool memory was my fist time up, in which Brian told me to think of bunnies to keep me from freaking out, to which I replied; “Bunnies die when dropped from high altitudes too, Brian!!!” They loved that, especially when we rode a second time, seeing a rabbit shoot into the bushes after we left the cover of the loading area. Ah, the irony.
But the one thing I think makes Lee the happiest is the fact that I rode the highest coaster in the place that I had refused to set foot on. The Wild Thing is HUGE, and he got me on and I ended up riding it 3 times as well, again finishing in the very front. Lee bought a pic of our first time riding, which is fairly amusing I suppose. We made our way out later, about ten, all exhausted and STARVING. Lee and I grabbed a blanky and fell asleep together in the trunk, until they got lost again and Lee went up to save them. Our poor driver accidently ran a red light and nearly got into an accident, scaring the crap outta me. We got him home, dropped Sean off, and Grant and Brian and I all got some food (finally) then made our way home.
All in all, I have never had so much fun in my life. The absolutely best part of the day was the fact that the entire thing was right next to Lee. I hadn’t seen him since school let out, and just being near him was intoxicating. Trusting him on the rides that scared the hell out of me, holding his hand, just being near him… again, I missed him so much. Being at home now sucks, because I want to be with him even more. Other fun stuff includes having the parking lot security thinking we were breaking into a car because I locked the keys in the front seat (blond moment) and airbrush tattoo, dancing to I Hate Everything About You in front of the Wild Thing with Lee, being SOAKED after the Wave, Chris threatening me because I said Lee was only mine, Shawn’s back-flipping, Chris and Jeanette (AWWWW!!!), Sean ‘dissapearing’, shopping…
And the beautiful necklace my boyfriend gave me. But now that I think I’ve gone over everything, and have no more feeling in my fingers, I’ll go now. Lee, you are the most wonderful person in the whole wide world. I hope you had as much fun as I did yesterday, and Happy birthday and Happy six months. Thanks for loving me long enough to prove others wrong, lol! And yeah you know what I mean! ^.~ I love you!
Love always,
Heather

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Saturday, June 19, 2004

   6 months and new update!
Hi everyone.
Long time no type. The last time I posted was a week ago, I think (maybe a little more) but lots of things have gone down. I am ungrounded, except for the fact that I was on the phone for more than five minutes, so I’m ungrounded from that tomorrow. I’ve been online really late this past few weeks, mostly because for grad I finally got a new laptop from my grandmother, which was promptly taken away by my father, which was then stolen back and hidden in my room by myself. Its net configured, but if I get caught with it, God help me. Oh well, I just cant get caught before Monday, or I wont be able to go to Valley Fair, which is my boyfriend’s birthday party deal. I haven’t seen him since school let out, so I’m super excited.
Speaking of my boyfriend, Friday was six months for Lee and I, so if any of you get the chance, flip over to Kasamaru’s site and wish him a happy birthday and congrats… He deserves it for being such an incredible person. And as for birthdays, mine is on August 2cd, so I’m already planning a party worthy of my soon to be eighteen self. Not to mention the free time I’m using to find the perfect tattoo… Oh god it’s going to hurt like hell but I can’t WAIT!!!! It will be a dragon, of that I am certain. I’m also finishing up a bunch of literary work soon to be posted on my Elfwood site, and that link will be up soon under my homepage link. And thanks to all those who have taken the time to read the little amount that is there. Your comments are greatly appreciated.
Anyway, I’ve been dancing around the house like a madwoman, trying to clean and swim and not get sick at the same time. Some of the repercussions of an abusive ex-boyfriend have been catching up with me more often these last few days, and I would absolutely kill to be able to live a normal life right now. ~sigh~ I’ve been trying so hard not to let my past drag me down, but I suppose sometimes I have to stop running and let it catch up with me a little. No more school, so I doubt I’ll ever see that bastard again, but God knows he’s burned into me. But hey, it’s not like he ruined my life- oh wait! Yeah it is!!! ~rolls eyes~ I have sarcasm to keep me going. That and a whole lot of kick ass friends. Dance class hasn’t been the same lately, and if none of you had heard, one of my very close friends in dance was recently hit by a car and killed. So I’m just trying hard to keep above water, although this afternoon was nasty. I was informed that I should work on a routine and assigned a new partner… so we worked and worked and worked. I never stopped (we’re supposed to take breaks) I worked until I just couldn’t, and proceeded to fall and just cry. Cry with the injustice of the whole fucking thing.
I don’t know if this has been a good summer so far or not. No job, no plans…. I’m working towards something. I jus don’t now what it is yet. Wish me luck k? Love you all!

Love,
Heather

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